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I was reading the "Getting Them Sober" book by Toby Rice Drews. Up the back it had a section about the sexual side of things. One part jumped out at me on page 122 down the bottom "Karen and Sara both realized they weren't dealing with "regular" husbands who could or would improve their behavior through "communication." The sexual, physical, emotional side of the illness was part and parcel of the total sickness.
Then it goes on to say on page 123 - So they learned not to feel the traditional guilt about going after having their needs met. They began to internalize the beliefs that ghe guilt of the wife and the selfishness and guilt-producing of the alcoholic are part of the sick lock-and-key relationship that goes on in bed or out. They actively sought ways to improve their lives sexually too, as another step towards health - and that was good for them and their husbands.
To me it sounds like Toby's saying that it is ok to look outside of the marriage for fulfilment in areas if we aren't receiving it from our sick partners. I'm wondering if this is how other's are perceiving it too?
I hear what you are saying and it certainly does sound like that. I also had other thoughts though.... self gratification was one of them. The other was to initiate the needs in the relationship and instigate sexual closeness when the wife wants it. Given that it says it was good for the wife and the husband this may be what they are meaning, that the wife has sexual needs as opposed to 'romantic' needs and initiates what she wants from him instead of waiting to be approached sexually. I don't know others views on sexuality but apparently it is more unusual for a woman to initiate sex in a relationship full stop, and the female usually waits for the husband to offer her the sexual nature of the relationship.
I think they are saying.. take the initiative, that or I am just naive that a book like that would tell you to go and have an affair
When I read this, I took it to mean self-gratification. I really don't think any reputable self-help book would advise having an affair, as any one with any knowledge knows that this would only add complications to whatever situation you are in.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Ok. I re-read what was written before the other passages and it says to speak up and tell them what you want. Even if they try to prevent us from enjoying ourselves we may as well say something as he's going to behave that way regardless.
Another passage says "Karen got the courage to say "no" when she didn't want to, or couldn't have sex. She learned to initiate sex when she wanted it. She figured, "I learned I'd better go after what I wanted with him. He's so wrapped up in selfishness that I would have never gotten my needs met, unless it happened to coincide with a time when he wanted it too."
Thanks for replying I was thinking it sounded a bit odd. Dr. Phil kept popping into my head saying you don't need to add another person into the equation. It makes things worse.
I wouldn't exactly say that. I think that much of Getting them Sober is about detaching. Muich of it is also about acknowledging that the alcoholic, even in early sobriety, is not going to be the partern so many of us crave.
Toby has a web site and there are 4 books in all. I don't think anyone in recovery actually suggests leaving, not leaving, finding someone else, it is a process. I eventually left the ex A. I have not had a relationship for 5 years now and there's good reason for that (beyond being working all the time). I am adamant I will not have another relationship with an active alcoholic. I have to work on me for a long long time.
I think if anything Toby suggests working on ourselves rather than looking for anything beyond ourselves to solve whatever the problem is.
I would echo what many others have suggested. I don't feel like she was encouraging folks to seek comfort and support in the arms of another.
For me I faced the same problem in my marriage. What helped me was to do a 4th step inventory on my sex life .... rather lack thereof.... with my sponsor to walk through those feelings. I could not get to the place I am today without doing this work on my own, from reading a book. My twisted thinking could not fix my broken thinking. It took the insight, suggestions, and love from my sponsor to help me restore this area of my marriage. That is what worked for me.
