The beloved addict in my life - Al-Anon Family Group

Skylark · Newbie

The beloved addict in my life

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs and welcome, so glad you came to share your story. addicts are addicts are addicts, it doesn't matter to what to me it all shares a similar core issue. It becomes an issue for the people who love the addict. Some how our behavior is affected. There is a great book by melody beattie, co dependent no more. It was a big eye opener for me the second time I read it. I can say I wish I had gotten alanon the first time around. I didn't. That said it's not a regret I am exactly where I need to be right now. I how you will stick around get to know us as we get to know you. Most of all you aren't as alone as you think and your situation isn't as unique as you think either. Face to face meetings really made a big difference to me in learning how to cope with unacceptable behavior from my ah. Hugs p ;)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome
I agree this is a great program to work on ourselves regardless of the reason that brought us here. Well done on coming.
You sound like a lovely person that loves to help others.
You have enough insight to know that yo uhave to guard yourself. LIken it to putting gloves on before you help in a first aid situation so you do not get blood on you, and you do not give any infection tothe vulnerable hurt person.
It is a boundary, a barrier and a smart thing to do to avoid hurt both ways.

My first suggestion is to read alot of the posts on here, read the answers that come, and go to meetings to help youself to help your friend. Enabling and helping can be a fine line.

Establish what your boundaries are with your friend and make them clear and stick to them. Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean.

Welcome and I look forward tohearing more from you.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Wow has anyone ever told you, you write beautifully? Loved your share.

Your question? I wish I had known that alcoholism is a disease that is genetic in nature. As soon as I learned this, instant compassion.

Would have liked someone to invite me to research the disease itself. That what he did and said was total insanity, it meant nothing.

His disease is his,his own, not mine.It was none of my business. That part of his life is totally up to him. He needs to make all his decisions. How he lives, how he gets somewhere. That I was not to do anything for him that he could do for himself.

No driving him to rehab four hours away only to have him come back the next day on the van. No taking him to the meetings, he can find his own way.

To not allow the disease to suck me dry.

I am sorry your dear one is so sick. My AH, and friends were on all kinds of drugs,to the body a drug is a drug whether it be narcotics, alcohol, meth whatever. Addiction is addiction. Glad you are here!!!

hugs, debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Skylark and welcome to the board and you stopped me dead in my tracks when you said, "I'm ignorant. I know so little about addiction or even about drugs", because that was me also. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and still I was to find out that I was born into the disease of addiction when I found the Al-Anon Family Groups in face to face meetings and was told to "sit, listen, learn and then practice" what I heard others doing. Mind and mood altering drugs...altering...becoming not normal...under the influence...dressing normal...looking normal...acting insane or strange or??? When I got to Al-Anon at the age of 47 I was insane cause I was trying to live in the disease acting like a normal person and that doesn't ever fit. I was married for the second time when I got into Al-Anon. My first wife was/is an addict, my next relationship was severely alcoholic and then my 2nd wife was alcoholic/addict...many of my natural family were the same or affected by the same as I was.

I can only recommend what worked for me...face to face meetings, literature from the meetings, other helpful literature, talking tons with those in the program that came before me, doing as much as I can to learn which included college, getting a power greater than myself...a God of my understanding and program sponsors to support me when nothing I could think of doing or was doing made any difference to my brain and I could only do insanity.

The alcoholics and addicts in my life were also beloved and I treated them very very well...surprisingly they only got sicker and then I stopped.

Keep coming back and listen, learn, practice, practice, practice. In love and support (((((hugs))))) smile

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You seem extraordinarily insightful. You have awareness and acceptance and the last step is change. You sound like the issues you are talking about relate to codependency more than alanon even. You even mentioned it in your writing. The CoDA board here is not that active unfortunately. The programs of alanon and CoDA overlap some but I do think CoDA could be really helpful as the main things you described that were bothering you were really about your needing to help others, not putting self first, needing to please people....

I suggest a face to face CoDA meeting. The changes you want to make are going to feel wrong at first, but you have noticed that something is awry in the way you respond so it is going to take acting in a way that feels wrong for a while. Sticking to reasonable boundaries is going to feel like you are acting like a huge bitch when actually you are just bringing sanity back into your life.

Anyhow, all of that is for you to find out through your own 12 step journey. Coming here and sharing/posting is always helpful cuz there are lots of folks who know a lot about recovery in general here and that can be of service to you.

Mark

**P.S. - Please don't take my suggesting CoDA as a negative thing. Codependency is VERY common in folks that start out in alanon and also in AA/NA as well. Just that the relationship is the most toxic in the former and the alcohol and drugs are the biggest problem in the latter. Working on Codependency is actually a step further along in recovery for many people.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome! You sound very aware of yourself and that is a huge plus. I grew up with an alcoholic parent and a drug addict parent and there was very little difference to me, they both were all about their addiction and nothing else came first, including their children. I married an A not knowing the cycle and here I am. I found Al-anon a year ago and life has been so much better, still harder, but more than merely surviving. I am codependent and a people pleaser and care taker, which leaves me feeling burdened, so I now have learned to dettach and take care of myself first and choose wiser projects without as much drama (distraction from myself). I am an addict of people and food and I tend to be attracted to A's (alcoholic's), must remind me of home. I am learning to change my thinking process through Al-anon meetings and with my wise ol sponsor. I hope you are able to make it to face to face meetings and continue posting here at MIP. Thanks for sharing!

Michelle814 · ~*Service Worker*~

No two paths are alike, no two paths can become the same. They can intersect at times and cross, perhaps, become parallel but ultimately they remain separate.

You are definitely on the right path, just remember, that the addict is on his own path too.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Skylark,

I am glad you found us on 11/17/11. I wanted to take the time to introduce myself to you as so many others have to welcome you to the forum. I see you have received many suggestions thus far.

For me face to face alanon meetings really was the trick to help me to detach from the active alcoholics in my life. I think Alanon would be an appropriate place to get started. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend. I would venture to say everyone in the world has know an alcoholic in their lifetime. So, consider giving it a shot. Should you go, it is suggested you attend six or more meetings as close together as possible before making a decision as to whether or the program is for you.

Thank you for introducing yourself to us. I do so hope you will continue posting and sharing.

Respectfully Yours,

Tommye

Skylark · Newbie

Hey all!

I've been a little busy being codependent to come back on the boards. *sigh* It fills me with no small amount of chagrin to note that I knew a month ago that I needed to watch how invested I got in my addict's life, and I let things get even more messed up anyway. Live and learn, I guess.

I've attended three Al-Anon meetings, and I can't begin to tell you how many NA meetings I've been to because my addict needed a ride and asked me to stay. It's a smaller number of times I went to visit him in the psych ward, but he was only there for four days this month. And then things started getting hot and heavy--yes, I KNEW better--and before you know it, he's practically living with me. Now, he did wise up and realize that pursuing a relationship right now is not what he needs for his recovery, so he called things off yesterday. If he didn't, I was going to. Had the speech all prepared. I'm sure most guys don't expect to see a big grin on the face of their almost-girlfriend as she's getting the news that it's over. I told him I understood and agreed completely. This is not a good time for him to be distracted.

So, the Al-Anon meetings. The first two were near-complete duds. I went to those with a friend who also wants to figure herself out in the pursuit of helping an alcoholic/addict friend. Under a dozen middle-aged to elderly straight white women sat far apart from each other in church basements, talking in monotones about various pages from the Al-Anon books and their alcoholic husbands. It was frankly, disappointing and uninspired. If it works for them, great, but I feel that would be more torture than codependency itself. At least the NA meetings tend to have energy, with people showing emotion and talking about their daily struggles. Those two Al-Anon meetings were hopelessly disorganized, with no clear focus or passion. The newcomers meetings consisted of, "Oh, hi, you're a newcomer. Well, coffee is over there, and here are pamphlets."

The third one was much improved. There were actually men at this meeting, some people of color, and people in my age range! (I'm 28.) Whether the relative amount of diversity included queer people, I'm not sure. Attendance was over 60. The majority of this meeting, in contrast to the others, was people sharing from their experiences. When there were readings from the Al-Anon texts, they were carefully selected to go with that week's topic, forgiveness. The energy in that room could not be contained in a small hatbox like my previous two experiences. The sad part about finding this meeting is realizing how rarely I'll be able to go. It meets on Saturday mornings, and I work 3 out of 4 Saturdays a month. I'm still going to keep trying other meetings as my schedule permits. The only group meeting tonight was the first one I went to, and I have no desire to revisit it.

Since I'm no longer the person my addict is asking for rides to NA meetings all the time, this frees up my schedule a good deal for Al-Anon and if there are CoDA meetings near me. I've put out the word among my people that I'm looking for the Al-Anon books inexpensively.

So, the nutshell is my addict and I are still close friends, we might after much recovery for both of us look at "something more" again, and I'm having mixed results finding an Al-Anon group that connects with me and where I am. That's part of why I wanted to come back here, to have some measure of support (because I loved the responses I got here) in this searching process. I will need to get a lot more comfortable with the various people at whatever group I frequent before I can remotely share all that I've shared with this message board. A few people talked with me on Saturday, but nothing like what I've seen with my addict and the other addicts at NA. Is it terrible that I keep comparing this to NA? I just get the sense that he's got this connection with certain addicts in particular, and I want that with people I meet in Al-Anon. It'll mean I have to "Keep coming back", I know.

Thanks much!

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

If it's an option amazon.com is a great place to find used alanon books or new alanon books it is really up to you.

Congrats on making it to some meetings and sticking it out until you found something that fit your needs. Alanon is for all kinds of people .. so just keep an open mind.

Hugs P :)

Skylark · Newbie

I have now found two Al-Anon meetings that I loved and made a great initial connection with the people. My boss has so far been amenable to enabling me to go to the one that is on a weekday morning. I'm switching departments (promotion!) soon, so I'm not sure what will happen then.

My addict friend continues to make dramatic progress, cutting toxic people out of his life that I didn't ever think he would, fessing up when he did something wrong to me, and it's very encouraging just to watch it. And I'm not attempting to control it, which is probably the best part!

The Al-Anon folks have been supportive when I brought up some family issues that didn't specifically relate to addiction or alcoholism, but were nonetheless painful and needing of healing. I might not be able to carry on a jovial conversation with my grandfather at Christmas, but I will internally be in a better place than I was even a month ago. My sixth meeting will be Saturday, but I already know I am going to keep coming back.

Madm · Newbie

The beloved addict in my life is my beautiful one and only daughter. I am so worried for her. I cry continually / She hit bottom. Lost a 30,000 dollar a year education of which we payed for, lost her condo, lost her wheels to 2 Dui's before the age of 21. She is sick with a Generalized anxiety and depression disorder but never makes her appoints so is now out of medication. I am willing to drive her to those but she always has the wrong TimE etc..yesterday the doctor charged me 350.00 for a missed visit. She recently moved in with a girl who is in recovery. I pay her rent and she just got a job nearby starting in sat. .I am heartbroken and sick. I can hardly function. I saidnsome really mean things her yesterday about how she is too smart to let drug take over she screwed up her life unbelievably. And that this was killing me. She did text me about my rudeness while attending an aa meeting. ( good thing ) I feel out of control and fear for her life.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Madm Welcome to the MIP Borad

I am so very sorry for your pain and the sadness you are experiencing. Alanon believes that alcoholism is a disease and that we who live with this disease become so distressed by trying to force solutions that we need a recovery program for ourselves.

Although we did not cause this disease,and cannot cure it or control it we try desperately to save everyone but ourselves. Because we do not focus our energies where we can do the most good.(On ourselves), we become confused , depressed and full of fear.

I urge you to try alanon face to face meetings in your community They an be found by checking this site

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Breaking the isolation, connecting with others who understand as few others can, learning new constructive tools to live by enables us to find successful solutions to a seemingly hopeless situation

You are not alone and there is hope

PS

Why not introduce yourself by starting a new topic so tha teveryone can get a chance to welcome you.

Madm · Newbie

I will try alanon face to face

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.