update on preparing myself.... - Al-Anon Family Group

kris10 · Senior Member

update on preparing myself....

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

My best suggestion is to focus on getting healthy. A gratitude list or reading a book something to distract myself I find does wonders. Good for you on keeping the focus on you!! Hugs p ;)

Lindaoakford · ~*Service Worker*~

Lately I have found that I put some music on. When the thoughts interrupt I listen to the wordsof the song that is on.
I tried the visualisation and the breathing exercises and the "put the thoughts in a box an dput themat the end of the bed until morning" stuff. It works sometimes but I find not so much for this level of anxiety provoking.
Theother morning, Iactually started talking out loud instead of in my head, that worked a little.
Also... the other day, I found my self obsessing about his smoking.. why was there a half packed pipe still sitting there rah rah rah..... what does that mean, what will happen..... obsess obsess obsess.

I tried to stop it, tell myself it was futile and I shouldn't do it, its bad for me etc etc.

Then I thought... who says???? I obsess about obsessing when I think like that, and berate myself and feel worse and it perpetuates the negativity.

I decided... " I give myself permission to obsess, it is ok, I don't have to do it, but if I want to, then thats ok"

Do you know what happened??? I stopped obsessing...... my mind cleared. IN the past couple of days, when I have started to obsess, instead of saying.. Stop that Linda.. I have said to myself.. woooohere we go again.. ITs Ok, I will obsess and then it will stop. and it did. I stopped telling myself off.

I have felt calmer, less annoyed at myself and him, maybe it is just being attentive to my thoughts and knowing that obsessing makes no difference what so ever.

My worrying about the outcome makes no difference to the outcome. So I allow the thoughts to come and go.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but it worked for me this week

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Talking with my sponsor seems to do the trick every time.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Just keep praying. Keep telling yourself you will be okay regardless of what happens with him. You are capable. You are strong. If he makes a bad choice it will be disappointing, but it let it be his...feel the feelings, but know that you are going to be okay no matter what.

Some of the pain you've been through being with him is just as bad if not worse than the sadness you might feel if he crosses this boundary and you have to enforce it. You'll be okay Kris. Really!!

Deep breaths!

Mark

kris10 · Senior Member

I guess i just feel SO sad everyday that its not what it was.. Even more so that I dont have any hope anymore that it will ever be that again.. I always used to think. " we can get threw this" "we can work on it together". I dont believe this anymore and it brings me to tears. Ive never ever conected with anyone the way i have connected with him... That is no more. He is blank... There is NOTHING I can do.. Since my last post i have been sitting here all evening alone.. Waiting. Wondering. But feel like ive known for sometime now that there is just nothing left... Im overly emotional tonight due to stupid female hormones and being sick also.. I guess it all comes down to me thinking im not good enough.. And just plain missing what he was.. What we were. And he has only been back to using for about 4 months now... Drastic difference.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

For me it is putting my faith in my HP. Whatever is going to happen will. Take things as they come. It takes practice practice practice.

Even now I woke up worrying. Then reminded myself about faith. That worse things have always worked out. And after awhile things were ok.

Its a matter of changing those habits in our heads. Worrying, looking to the future like this is a waste of time. I learned to let go of that which I have no control over. I do what I can, I do the footwork. HP brings the result.

Deep breathing, keeping busy, getting things done I put off. So guess what? My cabin is all clean, got a nice fire going. And it worked out and my power is still on!

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

When I am at my weakest emotionally, physically, I'm tired, angry, it's not a good time to make big decisions. Feelings aren't facts, they do change. I am getting braver in turning things over to my hp and more patient to wait for the door to open. Get better first and see where you are at, hearing your hp through muffled ears and a snotty nose sometimes the translation gets lost.hugs p ;)

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Calling an alanon friend or my sponsor help me, and writing in a journal help too. I also would pray to God "Help me" and try to just breath....

danni · Senior Member

Still sending you lots of support! My AH keeps drinking, and I fight the thoughts of not being good enough. Am I not special enough to inspire him to just STOP DRINKING? Why don't I or my happiness matter enough? Then I remind myself of the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. He's not doing it to ME, he's just doing it. Easy does it, and I hope you feel better soon!

kris10 · Senior Member

Thanks everyone for all of your support that i dont know what id do with out.. Had a long night.. Abf was high and upset that i am talking about him to my " stupid alanon thing"

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I really go back to something someone said to me after the meeting and that was a justified resentment are the hardest resentments to let go of. I have to find a way to cope with my "justified" resentments. I agree with GM .. they don't to their addiction to us they do it to themselves. It's very hard not to take something very personal because it feels really personal. How is a relationship not personal? Well, it's my perceptions of what personal is if I really look at my own situation my AH's behavior is not really about me it's really about him and what he is or isn't doing. "If" he loved me he wouldn't do that or "If" he loved me he wouldn't say this knowing how it hurts, "if" he loved me he would just want to get better because of me. Those are fantasy statements they aren't reality statements. That doesn't mean I need to tolerate unacceptable behavior it makes it clearer for me what is and is not unacceptable behavior for me as well as from me ("me" being the key word here because what is acceptable for some is not for all, I am the only one who knows my motives and my person). I know my AH loves me the best he knows how to do, I know he loves me and the kids. If he could change the DUI and his drinking on his own he would choose to do so. He has to find his own way at this point to a program of recovery and he has to decide he is not going to drink anymore. 3 C's, I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I won't cure it.

Talking to my AH about alanon is like talking to the wall and it creates unnecessary tension. My program my business. He doesn't see himself as having a drinking issue. I don't point out that I think he does have an issue, the state has done the job of pointing that out to him. On that side of things I'm grateful because I would be busy pointing out to him how he has a problem .. lol .. for me the control of if and when he chosses a program of recovery whatever that is .. it's got to be his choice. I am powerless, even when it's the controlling good intesion of pointing out what a great program Alanon is.

That is what is so great about going to the face to face meetings because I get the support I need as well as start to see clearly what is and is not working. I wish a sponsor for you, even if calling the alanon hotline to talk to someone and see if they would come to you instead of you going out. It's such a great thing to be able to reach out when things don't seem clear and there are blurred lines between my side of the street and "blank" fill in the blank with my good intenstions.

The road of of good intensions is paved with controlling behavior. I have to say that to myself over and over more so recently .. lol.

Hugs P :)

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor had me journal all that was in my head and write it out when I couldn't sleep. She then had me go through it all when I put it all down on paper and had me see what I could let go of and what I had to deal with right then. Really none of it was immediate so I could let it go and if I decided to take it back up again and spiral with it in my brain the next day I could. I hope you are able to make it to some meetings. My wise old sponsor was there and she has been priceless in my recovery!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

As breakingfree had said one of the good directions my sponsor would be to start writing. I would first give her a ring, tell her about the garbage in my head, then she would give me something to take action on. Her loving guidance would always pull me out of the problems in my head and bring me back to the solution.

That is why I keep calling her to save me from myself.

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