The material presented
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Well--I remember last year at this exact time (right after my AH's first DWI but before his 2nd DWI and stint in rehab--and BEFORE I found Al-Anon) and the holidays were pretty bitter. Here it is a year later...so much has changed and yet in some ways, it still feels glum. I think I am in a funk.
I guess it is natural to feel down this time of year. My AH has moved out and is struggling with his sobriety (Ummmm, and I am certainly not a "perfect" Al-Anoner either but I suppose we are both making progress.)
We had the uncomfortable conversation about what to do for Thanksgiving today (we have two small kids). I just do not even know how I feel about the whole thing. Not excited, not looking forward to it, not wanting to even let myself enjoy time with him, not wanting to give him false hope, yet not wanting to be alone either....I just wait to see what unfolds each day, and how I will feel. Sigh.
I can sooo relate to your post. This will be my first Thanksgiving since separating from my AH seven months ago. I have made plans to go visit two of my three daughters and my new grandson who all live in Texas, and will be leaving my remaining adult daughter here to spend the day with our relatives (she is also estranged from her dad). I am glad that I will be away for my first Thanksgiving without my AH, but I am not looking forward to Christmas when my daughter who lives locally will be out of town and the rest of my immediate family will be in Texas. My workplace will be closed the entire Christmas-New Year's week, so I am going to have to find ways to keep myself busy. I'm looking into maybe volunteering for a couple of days during that week and also possibly taking a few days to travel out of town with my mom who will also be alone since her husband (my step-dad) died a couple of years ago. I might also go to more than just one Al-Anon meeting that week.
I'm doing a lot of praying right now and looking to my HP to guide me through these very challenging times. I'm sad and a bit lonely, but I know that ultimately, I'm in a better place right now- both physically and mentally. Hang in there and know that you are not alone through this journey.
I remember having the holiday blues and in the week before Thanksgiving the topic would come up and members would share. There was one person that said this years ago I have never forgotten. They said "It's just lunch, what am I stressed out over?" When I heard that perspective, I said to myself, that makes sense to me, it is just lunch.
That is how I approach the holidays. Quite a few family members are drinking heavily, falling down, saying the darndest things. Me, I am just there to have lunch and be kind and courteous because I know this too shall pass.
I felt pretty much the same about the holidays with the now ExA. I totally bought into it.
What I had to come to terms with was that the holidays for the now ex A meant using and drinking. That was his highlight. No matter what I did, what I asked for that was what he wanted.
I couldn't come to terms with that until now and I left him 5 years ago.
Low expectations help. I know its hard to hear that. When people first broached low expectations to me I was absolutely furious. How dare they over the holidays. I people pleased, screamed, manipulated, demanded, cajoled.
Nothing shifted the ex A and he was as adamant about using. I took it all extremely personally. Then I shifted to trying to make my housemates appreciate me. I slaved over dinner for them. I didn't even get a thank you and a couple of sinks full of washing up to do too (not to mention an empty wallet).
Whatever you do and its hard to "do" around an active alcoholic, be good to yourself. Have a thanksgiving for yourself. Of course when I was part of a couple I had no self so I had no inkling what that was. Carve out time for yourself. Carve out your own appreciation list that does not include him or the situation you are in. Write affirmations every day it really does help.
I sooo relate and just had this same convo with my exAH and I am trying not to rush into anything with his family over Thanksgiving or Christmas and he tries to keep us all seperated lately too. I started it and it seems to go smoother, but something in me hates that he has decided to seperate me from his parents too. I am just sitting on it until I figure out what is being true to me and the kids. I like what we did last year, but who wants to be totally alone on Christmas Eve, but then I get Christmas morning. I am going to celebrate regardless and in my own way I just decided anyway without rebelling even. Thanks for the post it sure helped!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
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