New here, not to addiction though, need support - Al-Anon Family Group

dawnrg7 · Newbie

New here, not to addiction though, need support

never going back · Senior Member

Hi (((dawn))) and welcome!
I'm so glad you found us, and that you are going to al-anon meetings. Recovering yourself is the most important thing you can do right now. I hope it helps you to know that living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. That's also why WE are here, and at the meetings, and reading the books. You are not alone.
You said,
" this is all I've known for 23 years, always thinking if he would just get sober, our lives would be fine." Boy, do I identify with that! I said the same thing for 30 years. Then I finally realized I was spending all of my time just waiting for things to get better, and they never did. They only got worse. Nothing changed until I changed. As to couples counseling, that's totally your decision. In my case, we went to a marriage counselor (this was before my AH admitted to having a problem). She said that he was an alcoholic who was deeply in denial and told us that it would be a waste of both our time and money to try to work on any other issues in our marriage unless/until he addressed that. She recommended individual counseling instead (I went, he didn't. It was very helpful to me.). Your situation may be different, and counseling may be beneficial. That has to be your decision. One of the things that has really guided me through all this, figuring out what to say and do, is the book "Marriage on the Rocks" by Janet Woititz. I have read and re-read my copy and continue to find great advice and insights. Also, 'Getting Them Sober' was very helpful. Again, glad you found us and keep coming back! Denise

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Dawn and welcome,

WOW .. your post really struck me. I highly suggest and encourage you to do the exercises in the back of the book as well they are really amazing and for me it brought about a LOT of aha moments like what you described.

My AH was recently without his license for a year. I have to say and you'll gasp .. lol .. or at least I would have and did when it came to the driving issue. My AH is our sole support of income. I have many posts about driving .. LOL. I found out how much I enabled him by doing the driving .. WOW WOW WOW .. very scary stuff when I look back. After 5 months of driving and being treated like crap (granted my AH is not in a program of recovery) which I allowed I had a God (my HP) moment inadvertently my AH gave me a release from the guilt I had about driving. I stopped. We had an agreement if there was no ride I gave him a ride obviously why shoot myself in the foot. What it did for my AH I have found is that it gave him the opportunity to gain back his self respect and confidence. He wasn't tied to me constantly. He realized he didn't need me. It also relieved my stress of driving him back and forth in my case it could be all hours of the night. It forced me to let go of control too. As much as I thought I controlled I have come to realize that I allowed him to control me through driving as well. There's a lot of power in being the sole driver. I didn't see it so much as I did in the beginning of my journey with the DUI. Trust me I rationalized, justified, how could I not give him a ride there went our financial situation where he went. The truth is he is a better man because he also found out that he could make it for a year without the license. He had to stop punishing me for his consequence, he was angry wow.

Anyway, just something to think about, when I hear other people talk about their sig other loosing their license knowing what my motive was for driving and not for driving was a big one. I have discovered the only person I have any power over is the power to change my thinking and my reactions to specific situations and I no longer have to tolerate unacceptable behavior. I can be heard and be kind, compassionate and caring while saying what I mean and not saying it mean.

Hugs and keep coming back,

P :)

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Dawn,

I am so glad you found us here! It is so nice to meet newcomers on the board. I do so hope you will keep coming back and share as you have today.

I would encourage you to go to face to face Alanon meetings. Working step 1 by yourself is a totally different experience than when you work it with a face to face sponsor. Alanon is a wonderful program. Being sponsored is an intergal part of the recovery process. If you have not been before, it is suggested that you attend six meetings before making a decision as to whether or not alanon is right for you.

So welcome aboard, stay for awhile. I am glad to have the chance to have met you.

In support,

Tommye

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

this is just my opinion but get a little recovery under your belts before you attempt councelling its much more affective if both parties are thinking clearly . your husb is newly sober it will take a few months before his brain slows down long enough for him to hear anything much . work your own program , support his but take care of yourself and let AA take care of him . Sobriety is not easy mostly because we expect too much too fast , just enjoy the sober days accept whats offered and make it enough for now . Some days all an alcoholic can do is not drink .. good luck Louise

rosielee · Senior Member

my mum was the A....i expected things to be rosey when she sobered up- but it wasnt. the turmoil and chaos and drama is gone though- thats good. a lot of positives came out of it...but her main issues stayed the same. she was doing the same behaviours but doing them sober. it was very tough- it got so tough i had to move out. i really would concentrate on yourself, like someone said- AA will take care of him...now you have to take care of you.

orchidlover · ~*Service Worker*~

Get the book Getting them Sober. I can't recommend highly enough that resource. Low expectations are so key.

I'm so glad you are at step one. I hope you will try to get a sponsor and have as much support as you can in this key time. The holidays are tough for an alcoholic (that's why they have marathon meetings).

Maresie.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie are great reads! Marriage counseling is great if you can find one that has dealt with addiction it is even better. I am glad to hear you are attending Al-anon. Keep coming back and I am sending you love and support on your journey!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.