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Newbie to the boards, haven't made the call yet to find face to face meetings. Here is why? While sober my AH knows I am posting on these message boards, he understands I need to talk to someone, to vent. It has been helping, not one argument in 5 days as he still continues to be drunk daily. I am keeping my mouth shut, and going about my life.
My boys had a friend over, started out my oldest went to a movie with his friends, when I picked him up they asked if his friend could stay over. I was excited for Eric, no problem went to his house met his parents, grabbed what he needed. My AH was already passed out by the time I brought the boys home, so I kept him in our room and away from them. Sunday we got up left a note for the boys to have fun, we continued to move our shop. Get home the drinking started, I've learned to not keep count, I don't care anymore the number, one is too many in my book. Boys wanted to go to the mall, now keep in mind the friend is my oldest sons friend and my boys are 1 year and 21 days apart. Well as my AH is drinking I notice him going to the dark side, ok no problem keep him by my side, and away from the boys. He has embarassed us too many times, even kicked my family out of our own home. It is humiliating, but after time my family has found out my dirty little secret, before I always said he was working when I visited my family with my boys. So back to the story, he says why is our oldest out here and our youngest in there. It isn't his friend, get him out of there and home, no problem after dinner I asked them to get him packed up I would take him home. I had a talk with my oldest son on the way back home, if it upset him his brother was spending time with them, he said he had no problem with it. My boys have always been close, and they act like normal kids. When we went to bed it was, well how did the talk go, I told him and he had his usual "you are fibbing face, like yeah right". Then he went on to say well what is his father like? In my head I am thinking "who cares" cause I know exactly what he is trying to do. So I said "don't know, I never spoke with them" I always speak with the Mom, and introduce myself to them so they know their child is in good hands. The negativity is unbearable sometimes, but I have learned to keep my mouth shut and let him pass out, cause he does and eventually will.
What I would really like to know is how can I go to these meetings, when my AH is so negative and insecure and very verbally abusive. I truly don't like leaving my boys unprotected (me not home). I have found the drinking is getting much much worse since I have left him alone, with not saying anything about his drinking. The dilemma is that I want to go, but not deal with accusations, the who what where and when.
I am 41 years old and get my back up when I am treated like a child. I have never cheated on him nor do I intend to, but he has it in his head that I have because I did start talking to someone a couple years ago about his drinking for a sounding board, just to get it off my chest a cousin that lives in the same city but I have never spoke with before. My sister made contact and said he would be a good sounding board. Biggest mistake I ever made! My AH made my life miserable for over a year, he even justified his flirting on Facebook with much younger women. I caught some emails that he excused as nothing until I went into his account and was very shocked, he said it was because of what I did a couple years ago. Wow!! So life goes on right lol.
Has anyone gone through a tough time because of the meetings and sponsor?
First - thank you for sharing. I am not in an alcoholic relationship with my spouse (many other issues though) so I can not personally say "I understand" - but I can understand the difficulty in feeling ok about going to meetings and finding the time that is workable. Your spouse will probably continue to not make it easy on you. I hope you can find a way to go anyway. Do you have friends or anyone you can arrange to be with the boys? Some meetings actually have suggestions or places where the kids can go while you are there.
I have a difficult time doing things when my husband decides what he needs or wants takes more importance. I back down because I don't want to deal with his anger. You know what? I've started doing things anyway and I feel better. Is he any less angry? Probably not but it bothers me less because I know I'm doing something for ME. His issue is his issue. If he wants to be pissed at me or hurt because I'm taking care of me than that's not my problem. When you have kids (I have an 11 yr old) it does make it more difficult.
I hope you find a way to go. It does help. It will ultimately make things better for YOU which will make things better for your boys.
I had a tough time in the when I was new going to meetings because I had to my attending them a secret. Fortunately, there are many meetings in my area around the lunch hour or mid morning so I could go while the kids were in school. When my husband found out, well suffice to say he was absolutely pissed, thought it was all about him and who was going to find out.
Thanks to my sponsor and her guidance, she shared with me how difficult it was for her too in the beginning. I used her example which was to tell my husband that I will still be going to "those meetings". I kept it simple and went one day a time.
I have been attending alanon on a regular basis for many years now. My husband encourages and supports me. I feel part of that comes from I have changed and our marriage has changed as a result of the gift of the alanon program.
I have never had any difficulties with my sponsor other than sometimes I don't like what she has to say when she calls me on my stuff. I have found that what she shares with me comes from a place of love and support, not from control or advice. She gives me another reflection of myself and always points me towards the solution rather than being stuck in the same problem.
What I would really like to know is how can I go to these meetings, when my AH is so negative and insecure and very verbally abusive. I truly don't like leaving my boys unprotected (me not home).
It's OK to bring children to an Al-Anon meeting. In fact, they might benifit from going to Al-Anon and/or Al-ateen meetings too.
As to abusive behaviour, now would be a good time to stop tolerating it. If its verbal - don't play. If its physical - 911.
I'm not sure the age of the kids you are talking about mine are 7 and 12. My daughter babysits at the meetings she really enjoys it. My son who is the younger enjoys going however he also enjoys his one to one daddy time. I am dealing with dry drunk stuff. My AH is an involved dad even if from time to time I have to twist his arm.
I do live by he's going to drink or not drink attitude though and followed by what am I going to do. Well, I choose to go to meetings. It's my time to just focus on me and my issues. It's an hour and if he really has that much issue with an hour that is so not my issue. Sometimes it is more than an hour .. again .. he has asked me to text him and let him know what is going on and I do.
It never dawned on me not to say anything however I know people who don't tell their sig other they are going and that's what works for them. There are meetings I go to during the day that my AH doesn't know about. Even he has admitted that he likes the me of now far better than the me of a year ago.
I absolutely agree with the unacceptable behavior in our home on both sides him and myself is no longer tolerated. That has been an adjustment on both of our parts.
This is something I've been saying a lot is that control goes both ways, there is some secret handshake in the world of control as much as I take control (or really I think I do .. lol) I have given away a LOT of my power. It's really coming to a head at the moment. I'm so grateful for the alanon program and awareness.
Call your local alanon hotline and see what meetings have babysitting. LOL .. I know my AH likes the meetings that have the childcare because of course I'm not really alone out wandering the streets causing trouble. HA HA .. if he only knew. :) No seriously, he got used to those meetings and then I started attending more.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you all for the support. I have put so much off just to not deal with grief, I will make that call. My boys are 13 and 14, I planned on getting them in to the Ala-teen meetings, just so they have support as well. They need it as much as I do, they always say don't worry Mom, but I do. My AH isn't in a dark place every time he drinks, but I find when I am not home the sky is the limit with how much is consumed. It is time to get me back, for my families sake.
