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I actually had a good conversation with my husband yesterday before the addict monster came to play.
I spoke to him about a 'spiritual reading' and how the lady who was channelling said that she knew he was smoking marijuana, and that it isn't going to stop and I have two choices to accept it or leave him. That we have to work it out or it will be the end of us. She also said that she feels he is using it to cover 'pain'. she also knew that he brought me flowers and she saw a future with both of us in it.
I told him this and his surprising reply was.... I don't feel it works for physical pain, but she might be right with other pain. He looked a bit sheepish when he said this. I didn't want to push and I just asked if he had 'other' pain. He just siad that he might but isn't really aware of it.
He admitted he is smoking too much and that yes we have to come to an agreement. I told him that I am never going to like it and he has to stop trying to forceme to change my mind about that.
we agreed thathings ahve been good lately with me not badgering him aobut his smoking when I am at work, and him not smoking around me. He said that there has been many times that he has wanted to smoke, but I am home so he hasn't because it would upset me. I asked if he thought that arrangement was 'fair enough' and he said he thought it was ok.
Having said that...... he had bought more of the herbal stuff (a new one, herbal hash, not THC but gives a high) while I was at the spiritual thing. He asked how I would feel if he had a smoke and watched TV. He says this after our conversation....
I said that I had the feeling he would anyway. I promised that I would not get angry, but I reserve the right to remove myself if I don't like the way he looks, smells, or is interacting with me. He started to say, well of course I will look stoned etc etc. I merely repeated... "I reserve my right to not like it and remove myself if that is the case, and you have no right to get angry at me for maintaining my boundaries". I said it very calmly.
He just looked at me and agreed. He gave me a kiss and said Thankyou. I said thankyou for talking to me about it. He went away and I did what I was going to do anyway. He came back and it was all good. He didn't look stoned at all, he smelled slightly and he interacted well with me. It was ok. the sky did not fall in.
A couple of hours later, he stood up and said he wanted antoher one would that be ok. I said "does it matter?". He just asked me how upset would I be? I said a little upset, you have had some rah rah. I said I would prefer if you didn't. I knew he would.... so I saw no point in protesting, I just said, dont get too smashed please (I dunno why I said that).
For some reason I was hoping he heard the "I would prefer if you didn't" and didn't but of course he did. I walked out the lounge room door and saw him on the balcony. I got a bit upset and yelled, 'so you did anyway regardless' he just turnedaround and said "yeah".
I removed myself. I took a book and sat in my spa.
He came downstairs and asked if I still wanted to watch the movie (one of my favourites), I just looked up athim and said, No.. I want to remain here. He said ok and walked away but looked a bit sad.
I did some thinking. I did not express a "NO, that would make me angry" If I had said that, he would have done it anyway and I wouldhave been mad anyway. I can't control what he is going to do but I can express my point of view clearly. I think I gave a mixed message. I then realised I have no right to tell him NO. That woud be controlling him. I thought that he looks ok, he is acting ok, he is even talking tome and not slurring (some hash???).
What am I running from? I went back upstairs and said, Did I not make myself very clear that I would be upset, and he just replied, Not really. I know the addict was listening to me, not my husband. He had previously admitted he was addicted again and he is fooling himself becasue it isn't 'real' pot all the time, its a herbal mix from a herbal shop. Perfectly legal. IN fact, my Mum drinks passionflower and damiana tea... my husband just smokes it instead... I said, you are still chasing the buzz. He agreed. That was when I was talking to my husband.
I gave him a kiss and continued on with some other stuff.
I did not sleep that night. I feel scared. This feels different. I do not know what this means. I feel scared that now he will think it is ok to smoke at any old time. So far he admitted he is thinking of my feelings and not smoking around me
I am trying to tell my self just because I think it, or feel it, it does not make it real. I am feeling scared and troubled. Why??? Is it becasue I have done an act of 'acceptance' and it is so foreign to me that it is a strange and frightening feeling????
I really love it when we connect, it happens so rarely lately like it used to, but that conversation was so nice, it was like the old days. I know now though, to not get 'hopeful' about any conversation and to just enjoy them when they happen.
He was my husband and I loved it, then the monster came, which woke up mine but Ithink I put mine back to sleep, but only a fitful sleep.
Isn't the control dance of addiction an interesting dance? He wants you to change your mind and you want him to see things your way. Easy does it my friend, the distance between the head and the heart are the longest 18" you will ever find.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I once asked my sponsor after one of many attempts at controliing my exAH's drinking through a conversation, why wasn't it working, she laughed. She sited this: Insanity "Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results". She was right and she had me read the serenity prayer over again until it really occurred to me what I could control was me. "Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing." I hope you are able to get to meetings and find a sponsor. That is what helped me most to let go and give things over to my HP. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Linda said...."What have I done?????" Sweetie you just did a bit more changing the things you can. Sometimes when you look at it, it seems to be one way until you ask others who have done it themselves.
Breakingfree spoke of what she has done to heal and suggested it. It is also what was suggested to me and worked for me also. I won't suggest something different. I won't know if it would work.
Not all changes come with fireworks...((((hugs))))
Accepting the things I could not change. (my alcoholics drinking was not one of them).
The courage to change the things I could. ( That was me).
And the wisdom to know the difference. (That came with practice, practice, practice).
When I did the three things above God granted me the serenity I was looking for.
Everything I have learned in this program, and everything I practice in this program, came from those who came before me, the oldtimers.
When I first arrived in the program I didn't want to accept, didn't want to change, didn't know how to practice. But I knew how to listen, and I listened to what had "worked" for those that came before me. When I started applying what they shared with me and asked myself the hard question......"How has what you have been doing been working out for you?"......I had my answer.
Since then I have been doing the same things over and over, but I'm getting a different result. The difference.....I'm working my program to the best of my ability and allowing my alcoholic the diginity to do what she is going to do without any interference from me. She is in HP's hands, I turned her over to Him 100% and never took her back. I now have serenity and peace of mind. The oldtimers who came before me were right, I only had to listen, and practice, practice, practice.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 13th of November 2011 10:53:09 PM
ok so do you all think I have applied those principles here and I am feeling 'strange' because it is a new way of doing things????
We talked, he smoked, I was home, I was in the house with him stoned, we had a good evening, I had my issues in my head, we didn't argue about it..... Is "What I have done" a good thing and practiced the principle?????
I will repost here my sentence..... I am trying to tell my self just because I think it, or feel it, it does not make it real. I am feeling scared and troubled. Why??? Is it becasue I have done an act of 'acceptance' and it is so foreign to me that it is a strange and frightening feeling????
It totally sounds like you did the right alanon things. Maybe you are scared because it feels like you gave up some control. Just rremember you never really had control over his addiction. It also may work out for good because his habit will become less taboo and he will maybe not crave it so much? Or at least resent you less, because you are no longer the warden, you know? I think you let him make his own adult decision and that's all you can do. And you stuck to your boundaries
For me change means new and different...new and different means not normal...not normal means uncomfortable and therefore negative and full of fear....False Evidence Appearing Real. "I am trying to tell my self just because I think it, or feel it, it does not make it real." Get use to the finding out. (((((hugs)))))
Change is totally uncomfortable, it just is uncomfortable because it's new. Was it hear someone said it's like breaking in a new pair of shoes? Ehe, the shoes look good they don't fit right at first because all of the places that rub aren't broken in, .. yet. Acceptance is letting go of the hallucination of control totally and completely and THAT is very very scary. Do I want the new shoes or do I want the shoes with holes in the sole (or holes in my soul works as well). For me it comes to a point of if nothing changes, nothing changes it's not the last pair of shoes I'm going to get and have to break in at this point in my life.
Short term discomfort for long term gain. I so understand how hard this has been for you and I can see how far you have come. Just keep doing the best you can you aren't suppose to be perfect in the program. It's measured by progress not perfection.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
My sponsor taught me to do an inventory ANY TIME I feel a resentment. Any time and every time. She said this was the ONLY way to figure ME out.
I think we know columns one and two here... but what about column three? How do his actions affect you, what part of you is threatened?? (self-esteem? security? pocketbook? ambitions? personal relationship? sex relations?
For me when I was where you are at.... most of that was going to be affected. (Your sponsor is an invaluable tool here ) When my husband kept doing what he was doing, and I KNEW I'd never be able to live in peace with it.... it affected my sense of security. I knew I was going to have to do something different. And, for me, that was sooo frightening because, I held a belief I couldn't live without him, I believed HE was the one taking care of me all those years, I had made him my HIgher power. And I knew if I left him, it would affect my self-esteem, my sense of security, definitely financially, and.... who would love me if I left him????!!!!!
All that needed to be smashed. (It's easy to see it in retrospect.) Just to the extent that I do as I believe HP would have me do...AND HUMBLY RELY ON HIM.... does He enable me to match calamity with serenity. I eventually stopped relying on my husband for my sense of security. It was a necessary path for me, to move me closer to Higher Power. More and more, I have come to believe... that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. Take what you like, my friend.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
We cannot control anyone else, only ourselves. When we give up that control, it feels weird. My loved one would say "I am going to buy booze". When I hadn't really given up control, I would say "I would prefer you didn't, I don't like it...wah wah wah" and he would do it anyway. My answer became later "Why are you asking me this? I don't want you to but you will anyway...wah wah wah" and he would do it anyway. Then my answer was "I love you" and things began to change. Little by little. My sponsor helped me with this, and supported me. HP had his arms around me...I stopped taking it personally, and I stopped trying to control. Then I finally accepted the things I couldn't change and began to change me. It feels weird, but it gets better... one day at a time....
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
