Hello from Petit Sourice. - Al-Anon Family Group

petitsourice · Member

Hello from Petit Sourice.

petitsourice · Member

Oh, and we are an alcohol-free home at the moment. She poured out the last bottle of wine with me after we had our talk about her stopping and how I need her to quit. With all of her behaviour though I am worried she will not stay off of the booze. Time will tell.

petitsourice · Member

Oh hell - AND social services came by the night she got arrested (she was home by then -- they should have kept her in jail for the night - she was still plastered and actually puked while they were here).

Had I had a drop of booze at the party, they would have taken the kids... had I mentioned that I asked her not to drive... I am not sure what they would have done.

I can't stand that agency. They started with the best of intentions, but are now nothing more than legalized kidnappers.

And tehy are still investigating us - but the investigation has gone well.

-- Edited by petitsourice on Sunday 13th of November 2011 02:33:19 PM

nyc018 · Senior Member

Hi petit, I'm relatively new to Alanon, but by now have attended close to 10 meetings. I wasn't sure what to expect at first but from my experience it's nothing at all about bashing the alcoholic - in fact at first I was almost surprised at how little the discussions were about the alcoholic. I left my first meeting wondering "why weren't people there talking more about alcoholics?"

Now that I understand the program a little better - I realize it's quite the opposite. The common thread is that everyone has been affected by alcoholism. But it's about shifting the focus away from the alcoholic and onto one's own self and well-being, realizing that what the alcoholic does is out of our control.

The "coed" meetings I have gone to (there are some I've attended just for women) were split pretty evenly among men and women. They say to try at least 6 before deciding if it's for you or not. It is certainly worth giving it a try.
In support, nyc

rrib · Senior Member

petitsourice wrote:
same misgivings that I have about alanon... its a chance for people to get together and hate their spouses communally ... things are different with a drunk wife vs a drunk husband. And also of concern is that it could damage the marriage

Al-Anon is a program of personal spiritual growth. Sure, sometimes people have a bad day and vent at a meeting just like you did here on the board. And that's OK. People understand sometimes you just have to get things off your chest. But really the focus of working an Al-Anon program is on you.

A drunk is a drunk. Alcoholism knows no gender boundries.

You are living in an alcoholic relationship and your marriage is already damaged by it. Al-Anon is about YOU becoming emotionally healthy if she gets help or not. When one people in the relationship gets better, it increases the chances that the relationsihp can get better.

Best luck. Welcome! Glad you're here.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Petitsourice and welcome to MIP!

Great post- I can say the same exact thing happened to me, as well, only the pearls were then downgraded to crumbs. ... and, yes, for me those precious morsels had me hooked and maybe, to a much lesser extent still do.

I had misgivings about Alanon when I first arrived and gave it some months; left thinking it wasn't for me- only to return some years later because there is no other place for me to go. This time around, I started getting the principles, the slogans, and what it is all about.

I guess, for myself, things had to get even worse before I could hear how I could spiritually and emotionally grow. (I can be very stubborn.) Before Alanon, I thought I was mature and knew what I was doing; now, I know I have a lot to learn and am doing my best to be open.

Alanon is a supportive community- some meetings bring more to me than others, but they all bring at least one good thing. I love walking into a room or on MIP and know that everyone will understand and perhaps show me a better way to perceive something differently, or, send me off with a more positive focus. As mentioned in previous posts, sometimes it's healthy to vent and Alanon is a safe place for that. I would encourage you to try different meetings and find a sponsor to work with.

One thing I can say is that the program does work- having the courage to accept and change things that aren't serving me well has created miracles that enriched my life.

Glad you are here.

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

building on what bud says, there is no other place for "us" to go - no other group of people truly understands what it is like to be a part of the insanity of alcoholism. I can try to tell my family but all they say is, leave him, why haven't you left him, why are you staying, etc. Outsiders don't understand like insiders do. And, its nice, with all the insanity, to be in a place where people understand why you are still there.

-- Edited by likemyheart on Sunday 13th of November 2011 07:26:45 PM

petitsourice · Member

likemyheart wrote:
building on what bud says, there is no other place for "us" to go - no other group of people truly understands what it is like to be a part of the insanity of alcoholism. I can try to tell my family but all they say is, leave him, why haven't you left him, why are you staying, etc. Outsiders don't understand like insiders do. And, its nice, with all the insanity, to be in a place where people understand why you are still there.

-- Edited by likemyheart on Sunday 13th of November 2011 07:26:45 PM

Now here is a brave heart. Well said. And I too will not / can not leave my wife. Better or worse. Even if its REALLY REALLY worse. I could separate, but never divorce.

Had a nice long chat with her tonight about things... I think we will be OK.

Jackie11 · ~*Service Worker*~

petitsourice wrote:
Now here is a brave heart. Well said. And I too will not / can not leave my wife. Better or worse. Even if its REALLY REALLY worse. I could separate, but never divorce.
Had a nice long chat with her tonight about things... I think we will be OK.

I understand your concern about the meetings but as others have mentioned it's not about bashing anyone. It's wonderful that y'all are talking, but she is going to say whatever she has to say to appease you right now. Addiction is a baffling, powerful, and cunning disease.

This program educates, and helps us to understand and know that we are not alone. My husband was furious that I was going to a meeting. He said that everyone would project their sad stories on me, this is so not the case. You have mentioned that you said a prayer, I've said many many prayers, and continue to say prayers.

Read the 12 steps and the Serenity Prayer, and really look at them, they have helped me so much!!! I've only been to 3 meetings, 4 tomorrow night. But the difference in me after such a short period of time is huge!

danni · Senior Member

Welcome! Before coming to al anon, I was worried that at meetings people would think my lovely and loving and alcoholic husband was a "bad guy". My husband was too, but I kept going, and I tried several different meetings until I found a few that felt like the right fit for me. What I found was a community that doesn't vilify or demonize the alcoholic, but a community that helps those affected by the drinking by understanding and offering support. I was of the mind set (since I was in so much pain and had been told this by "others") that if he drank ONE more time, I should and would leave. We have a two year old and a five year old. He is still drinking, one year later. How comforting it was that not one person at al anon ever suggested that I leave him. In fact, a year later, I am more committed to my marriage than ever AND I'm getting better, regardless of what my husband does. One Al Anon idea is 'Take what you like and leave the rest". I kept an open mind and kept coming back and what I found was a group of understanding compassionate people who gently and loving supported me while I stumbled my way out of misery. All my best, and I am sending you lots of support!

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Alanon is for you to work on you. Its a spiritual program of healing from the past and focusing on now. Addiction is a disease, of the mind, body and spirit. The most important things I did for me was: I read the AA Big Book, I read alanon's One Day at a time and Courage to change and the book Getting Them Sober. You see I have found that when I worked on me, things in the relationship got better. The pressure was off and there was a release... I learned the slogans "Remain Calm and Don't react" really well. And as far as I have always heard, it has nothing to do with where you live, because wherever you go, there you are. Location doesn't matter, in other words. I live in New England. I have all my life. If I were to go to Dixie, I might think it was Dixie that caused all my problems. But its not where I move to, its me that causes my problems, they were there all along. If you do go to a meeting you will find support to help you learn to change you and learn new tools for living. Its a program that has been around a long time.
I had to stop trying to control everyone and everything and thats where the first step came in: I am powerless over EVERYTHING, and my life is unmanagable (without the help of God, my higher power). When I surrendered to that step, things began to feel better...
The AA Big Book really really helped me change my perspective. I am glad you found this board, and I am sending you support in your decisions :) Take care of you!!!!

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

petitsourice,

I am so glad you took the time to introduce yourself to the forum. I see you have already gotten so much experience, strength and hope thus far. I just wanted to thank you for your contribution as it helps us all to hear from so many perspectives. Stay awhile, get to know us better. I am glad you are here.

In support,

Tommye

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

We are called Al-Anon family groups , which has always implied to me the goal is to keep family together if possible . We do not talk about the alcoholic in our meetings .Al-Anon is about you for you . I chose to stay in my marriage with the help and support of the groups i attended I was able to get happy regardless of what he was doing . We are enablers , we lie for them we cover up thier mistakes , we make excuses for their crappy irresponsible behavior , so in essence we are actually helping them to continue to drink & that really ticked me off . Until we stop doing these things nothing is going to change , detach with love Protect Your children and allow her the dignity to do life her way . Above all we have to protect our children they dont have a choice WE do ..

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post reminded me of what people have been "told" about Jehovah's Witnesses.

Mostly so very untrue, scathing lies. shaking head.

No one will tell another to leave them if they are truly part of Al Anon. No one should leave unless they are ready and that is their choice. We strive to teach and share skills to be able to stay with that one we love.

I would have stayed with mine. But he became horribly,physically abusive after a brain surgery and relapsed.

I did not divorce for years, until he commited adultery, the Bibles only reason to be able to divorce and remarry besides death.

Not that I want to remarry. I still love him.

Anyway I hope you gleaned some info from here. Many wise words.

Welcome. debilyn

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