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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Trying to not be afraid
Post Info TOPIC: Trying to not be afraid
KeepingFaith


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Trying to not be afraid
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Im learning so much in coming here and f2f meetings, my sponsor, my counselor, & a couple close friends that have lived through their journey of loving an A. I recently set boundaries with my Abf. And in part of it was ending the relationship until he enters recovery. Nothing changes if nothing changes, right? And it all begins with me... So I began as I needed to. He hasn't been treating me well and has totally pushed me away. So I let go... Just as he asked of me before I realized that he was an A. He contacts me. Was a smartarse. And succeeded in provoking me. I responded - desperate to find out if he had entered into treatment. I learned the best lesson from my slip. I have to be strong and stand with my boundary. I caved and I felt terrible. I was horrible to him and I went against my own limitation. I regrouped myself. Apologized to him for allowing my anger to speak and explained what I wanted to know. He responded to that only to state that he didn't understand where all this was coming from or what it meant. That too aggravated me. So I let it sit a couple days and finally called him to reset my boundaries. He didn't answer so I left a message and was precise that I didn't want to hear from him until he chooses to get better and enters treatment. I told him that I love him, but his disease causes him to behave in a way that I cannot stand because that isn't the man I know and when the man I met resurrects himself, I'll be right here. But as long as he is choosing to live each day lying to himself, I cannot stay because it is unhealthy for me and my son. And this time I meant what I said. He wrote me a text 2 days later an said "I don't understand what happened." I haven't responded. That was only last night. And I feel strong that I cannot cave in. I realized that as much as I love him and want to be gentle and loving and true to my heart, i have to love deeper and lead by example. It kills me that he knows just how to tug at my heart strings, but I got off the merry-go-round and I'm not jumping on for a text. I decided that I want him sober and drew my line in the sand. He thinks he can pull a buggs bunny on me and dust it away, just as he always did. But not this time. If he said he was getting help then it would be a different story. Yes, I'm very scared he'll forget us or drink & drug himself to his grave, but i have to totally let go and have faith in HP and leave it up to HP. And he has to see I'm serious. All I can do is hope one day he decides to do the work. Sometimes love is space and time. And I love him enough to give him the space he needs. It's only going to be in his time. I hate the flux of emotions... Wanting so badly to talk, but knowing that if we talk, im only talking to the disease an therefor will only be mad and hurt an miss him more. But I finally feel a little good that I didn't cave and stood with my boundaries. It's not easy to refrain from trying to talk, but I can't live in fantasy land. I need to see that he loves me and I can't see that until he loves himself. So I will sew my lips and sit on my hands until he says he's in rehab or counseling or detox...whatever the case may be long as it's on the path to recovery. I wont enable him anymore. All my "understanding" did was give him a false sense that he was ok and he only slipped further into his addictions. If losing me helps him feel, then I love him enough to let him fall and pick himself up. Thanks for letting me vent and share. Love my new fam! xox

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GailMichelle


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Sometimes it's best to walk away.  It doesn't always have to be forever.

I wish you strength and courage during this difficult time.

Be true to yourself. 



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
KeepingFaith


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Thanks Gail :) It's not easy to have to let go this way, but he isn't able to face me and when we do communicate, he goes on the attack emotionally. I understand it is a part of the disease, but in our case, we don't live together as it is, and if I let him think I'm there as I have been for the past year, it will undoubtably continue to let him be free of consequence. Everyone else in his life turns a blind eye. They just dismiss it. And they adjust to not upset him. At this point, he's been drinking for over 30 years and has been pilling the last year and change. I am the only one close to him to say: oh no. This isn't you. This isn't the life you wanted. I won't be your suicide partner. At times I wish he were my husband because when we are f2f he cannot hide from himself. Given our situation, he avoids me like the plague so he doesn't gave to face things. So it's either tough love him and say I'm gone (even though I don't want to be-basically giving him the silent treatment but letting him think he's lost something he waited his while adult life for) or stalk him. Lol. And I'm not gonna become a stalker so tough love it is! :) Ugh. I do feel wretched about it, but the last year of being in his comfort zone hasn't helped him or me. So thank you as this new journey scares the *bleep* outta me!! I'm so greatful for the wishes :) ((((hugs))))

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Debilyn


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thank you for sharing! Its great to hear you sticking to your boundaries and being strong.

You sound very sure and strong. Though I know it has to be very hard.

Keeping things simple has always worked for me since I was blessed with MIP here.

Keep coming!!! love,debilyn



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Pushka


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Hugs,

I just wanted to send you support and love during this difficult time.

Hugs p :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Breakingfree


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Sending you love and support, keep taking care of yourself!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
tommyecat


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Keepinfaith,

I am so glad you came and vented too.  We have all been there a time or two.  We are glad you are part of the MIP family.  Please keep coming back and sharing.  That is how we all grow.

In support,

T



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