The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have recognized that I have to change me. The anger that I was so often feeling is less and less. I'm more able to let go. The whiskey bottle that was sitting behind the end table next to the couch, was just that, I had no reaction to it.
Last night I arrived home and my husband was working on dinner, it was fantastic. I only have 2 nights during the week that I am home. Mon/Wed/Fri I work my part time job in the evening. So any significant conversation with my AH is limited to just a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays before he starts drinking, and smoking pot. Tuesday nights I have my meetings which takes me out of the house for an hour. I say all this to say, this doesn't give me a whole lot of time to share information about my life with my husband.
I own a condo, which I rent out. I took care of all this before we got married. I work with a property management company who handles all the legal stuff of renting the place out. I just listen and provide information or approval when necessary. Something had come up a few weeks ago, and came up again, and I had handled it. I was trying to share this information and my husband is furious that I didn't say anything to start with. I look at him, and I'm thinking but don't say, I can't talk to you about anything except for just a few hours (if that) on Tuesdays or Thursdays.
I've not told him that I won't talk to him when he's high and drunk, I just don't. I listen and I do my best to be pleasant and loving, and if I can't be then I go to bed. He's mad that I'm not keeping him informed of my decisions, and I get that if I was married to someone who was not an A then I would need to handle all this differently. I'm just lost right now because I pay for my bills, and he pays whatever it is that he pays and I have no intention of merging anything. He said last night he doesn't understand why his name isn't on the lease agreement. I did not respond, the response in my head was because I handled this before we got married and you have never paid a dime for my condo.
NC is a 50/50 state so I understand that legally he now does have rights to my property. I also understand that I have to maintain my finances. He tells me that he's speaking "truth" to me regarding the fact that I'm not including him in my decision, and the response in my head is "truth" is that I can't trust you and I'm certainly not going to ask your opinion when I'm managing my responsibilities just fine.
How in the world am I supposed to be open and honest with someone who I can't talk to except for a few hours every week. I don't want to be rude, I don't want to be disrespectful, I also don't want to allow someone who is so actively an A to have any say when it comes to my responsibilities.
Where I live if you owned the property before you were married then it should be considered yours, sole and separate. Should you refinance and put his name on it, then it would be joint. If you want to find out, you can call the real estate title company where you did your closing.
yes- i know what its like- yu really do get lik that- they dont understand just how sick they really are- thats the problem sometimes i think- my mum looks back on it all now and cant believe her outlook and beliefs back then. but i think, if they dont understand wouldnt it be good to say why you arent doing certain things etc? but i guess you are at the stage- when even that wouldnt make any headway- i know what its like- living with it.
That's a tough call Jackie. At some point you may detach to the point that you just don't care how it comes out.
The big connundrum here is that you don't want to be disrespectful, but he is doing things that cause you to not respect him. I guess sometimes you might need to be factual at the expense of hurting someone else's feelings. He will probably still argue and say your reasoning is BS, but at least you are not holding it inside and forming an even worse resentment over it.
The big connundrum here is that you don't want to be disrespectful, but he is doing things that cause you to not respect him.
This is so much a part of what I'm processing. I know it's important to respect him, and to a point I do my best. However I have no intention of not managing this responsibility, and not combining everything (not just finances but merging into 1) goes against everything that we discussed in pre-marital counseling.
In my meeting the other night though, someone said, I totally get it. "I've spent a lot of time in church but that can't help with this", never were truer words spoken when it comes to my life.
And I suppose this just all falls back to, work the steps, work on me, and know that HP/God is in control of it all.
It is a difficult thing. My spouse is not alcoholic but he has compulsive spending habits for things that only he benefits from and has put us in debt many times. In the beginning of our marriage we had everything separate but then he wasn't contributing what he should so we joined everything so it was "open and honest" about all that was available to us. Then he spent credit cards up behind my back and would only come to me when the debt couldn't be hidden any longer. This happened 3 different times. Don't get me wrong - I had a little debt but nothing like his and all that I bought was for our home or our daughter. We both make good money but there was never anything left over it seemed. We manage it through Quicken software so we could see what was being spent but it still seemed to slip through my fingers. The last time I finally said I would like separate accounts again and agreed on how much we would each contribute to the joint account. Suddently I had all sorts of money at my disgression and I saved it. His disgressionary money he spent and still ran up debt. When we separated I had a cushion and he did not. I thought the separation would force him to be more responsible. He is as far as he pays his rent and his other bills - no problem - but again he spends everything else and rationalizes more debt.
It drives me crazy. We are maintaining two separate households (mine is the heavier load) and I still have money left over and he does not and if he does he spends. I believe this behavior is never going to change and it makes me crazy.
I understand your not being able to discuss those things with him. If I were in your shoes I would be doing the same thing. That was yours prior to the marriage and in most states that is considered yours because you acquired it prior to the marriage.
Sorry for the rambling but your post struck a nerve with me! :)
I left my exAH his house that he bought before we were married even though we had dated for 10 years on and off before he bought it. It is cheaper for me to rent and not have a hefty mortgage and a second mortgage lingering over my head. I have a feeling he will lose the house in time anyhow and I don't need that happening to my credit. He is working less now than ever and I am surprised he can make any of his bills, however he can still afford to drink. I left him the house, because I didn't want anything to feel guilty about while divorcing him. I needed to be true to myself. I have had people tell me all sorts of things, but I had to be true to myself in the end. With my HP by my side I will continue to grow and be better in every way! So I guess all I can say is be true to yourself whether it be in communication, financially and emotionally. I am sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I was working so hard on detaching that I found I was holding back things that needed to be said. My AH and I went to therapy together and my therapist said that its okay to say what is on your mind at times but not to nag or repeat over and over. just state what bothers you so that you are being honest. I dont know if this relates to your situation, luckily we dont own much of anything so when our finances were horrid it wasnt to the extreme of losing anything or our relationship really struggling over money. It makes me mad every time i think about the money he was 'wasting'.. our money.. while i was waiting for my paycheck to buy cereal and milk... but he knows how i feel about it.. he knows he cant take it back... so now i feel i can detach and if it happens again ill know to cut all our bills in half and have him come up with his share. if he can't then its his problem and I will go from there. I guess what Im saying is its important to detach with love.. its also important to be honest with your partner. Not expressing how you hate that he's drunk is a good thing because im sure he knows it, doesnt need to hear it, focus on you. but talking about finances or how youre feeling about them may need to be addressed. I don't know if this helped. I can't relate exactly b/c I don't own a house or property but I can imagine how hard it is for you. Prayers for your serenity. Thanks for sharing.
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Michelle!
No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Thank you Michelle, this absolutely helped. You're right it's so good to be reminded that I do need to communicate, not about the drinking and pot, I've stated where I stand on that. I do need to be honest about the finance stuff. I'm working on how to approach that. I'm a written communicator, he's a talker. He tends to talk over me when I'm trying to express something so I have to make sure before I bring anything up that I know everything I need to say. I'm learning, I'm a work in progress :)
