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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Post Info TOPIC: The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Michelle814


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The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
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I never understood that there truly is no joy without sorrow until now.  I am reading the prophet and it is as if kahlil gibran watched the past six months of my life unfold and then wrote the chapter on sorrow and joy and the chapter on marriage for that matter.  Its comforting to know that obviously I am not the only person who has gone through such sorrow, and in fact, this is a normal process in life.. for there are books written on it.

I believe the two are entwined now and do not exist without the other.  If every moment were happy and joyous what is there to compare, what is there to humble you.  The world is a sorrowful place and this is true but also it is a joyous place. and the joy lays where the sorrow had been and the sorrow can only exist from something that had once brought joy.

I feel grateful that my HP grabbed hold of my life and had me experience true, drop to my knees, sorrow.  Yes, I've felt slivers of it but not like this and now I have and now I have a measurement of sorts.  The little things can be outweighed, overlooked, pushed passed and forgotten like the tailgater, or the rude cashier, I can overlook the clock blinking 8:34 when work started at 8:30 or the garbage can overflowed after I had expected it to be on the curg.... its not worth it. its petty. its silly and its out of my control.

To know true joy.. the kind that just fills you up so full you cant move. you just smile... you only know it if you know true hurt, true sorrow.. the kind that pulls you down so low.. a rug pulled out from under your feet and you begin to slouch and squirm.. grab at your heart and there is no words to describe that pressure that you feel inside your chest... but you shrink down to your knees like the wicked witch with the water poured over her.. to the ground you melt... until you're just a cloak.

rainstorms have rainbows if the sun is just right, right?

I feel the humbled grateful feeling for being moratalized again.  I am grateful I no longer feel better, or right, or deserving. I feel human and real and raw.  I am ready to listen and to learn and to grow in every which way God sends me. 

If I had felt this way when I met my husband we would not have gotten married. i know that much is true. and what worked then doesnt work now and I need to know that it all happened for a reason and went the way it went because it was supposed to go the way it went and just stay in today. this moment. my fingers typing what my brain is calculating. thats all i have to focus on... the present.

 

thanks for reading... nice to get my words out of my head once in a while.



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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
hotrod


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Dear Michelle
 
 
Thank you so much for you clear, powerful honest experience. I too have felt that kind of sorrow and pain .The first time was when I found alanon and staggered in thru the doors seeking respite.
 
 
The second time I was already a full fledged member with a permanent seat, HP and all the tools at my disposal The gut wrenching pain was just as devastating however this time I had HP in there with me and it is then "That He Carried me"
 
 
Mother Theresa once said" Love until it  hurts and then there can be no more hurt only LOVE "  I now understand that statement
 
Thanks for sharing this journey


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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oldergal


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Thanks You Michele that was beautiful and so real. I hope your are keeping a journal.

Oldergal



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tommyecat


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Great awareness Michelle!  Thanks so much for sharing from your heart with the forum.

In support,

T



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Pushka


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Hugs Michelle,

Great share!! I think that book is going to be next on my must read list.

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
pineapple


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Michelle, great, thought provoking post. Thanks for sharing.

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Breakingfree


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Thanks for the share it inspired me! Keep up the great work! Sending you love and support on your journey!

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666

" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
pinkchip


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I have wondered why God made me have depression, why god made me gay, why did god make me an alcoholic?!!?! I am now stronger for having come to terms with all of these things. I am poised to help others and that is a gift my HP has given me.

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mchlipala


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Thank you for your posting.  I needed to read that this morning, especially the drop to your knees sorrow.  I am trying to find a balance between sorrow and joy.  If you had asked me 3 weeks ago, I would have told you that I was the most joyous and free that I had ever been, basking in HP love and a solid connection with who I am and where I am headed in life.  A huge relapse from my husband and all the ugly truths that go along with that have left me upside down and all that joy is pouring out, like I didn't deserve to have it in the first place.  So thank you.



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Mary Chlipala
tommyecat


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Mchlipala,

I see you are new to the forum.  Welcome to MIP, I am so glad you are here.  Won't you consider introducing yourself to the forum via a new topic so that we can get to know you better.

Thank you for sharing!

Tommye



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Michelle814


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mchlipala, what you just said... its as if I typed that... change three weeks to five months, though. I have felt the exact sorrow you are experiencing. I am still feeling it. I am also a better person for it.. more humbled and aware. It was snowing this morning when I woke up.. the whole street looked like a snow globe.. with my car driving down the center of it. I glanced to the trees and the sky and the rooftops.. all white and glistening and I thought.. I have never really seen this, really seen this. til now. i can only thank my HP for knocking me off my pedistool and right down on to my butt. I was happy and alive and free then because i did not know true happiness or livlihood or freedom. I cant blame myself for the naivity because it was.. all i knew. I would never have been with my husband had I been the way i am now .. then. Thank God for that because I truly believe we're meant to be... that being said. My recovery is not about our relationship.. my recovery is about me. my thoughts, my attitude, my control... Its about letting go. It's about the rainbow and the storm.. for both are so beautiful.

hotrod, loved the quote. wrote it in my journal. so to answer oldergal as well. I am keeping a journal. its quite cluttered but the clutter on paper is, I believe, settling my mind. when i first started in alanon i couldnt keep a thought still. my brain was a tornado. and now i think progress not perfection and i settle on one idea at a time.. something hard to do for a popular sanguine with adhd.. haha.

thank you all for posting.. you people and the people in the live meetings are what keep me motivated and keep my head in order. i am so grateful for my husband's relapse bringing me to this program, and the people who i talk to daily.... so i guess what im saying is I am grateful for god's will.


Pushka, HI! I highly recommend you read it. its a light read, short and easy.. and just so full of wonder and hope.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
Michelle814


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mchlipala, " all that joy is pouring out, like I didn't deserve to have it in the first"

I know exactly how that feels. questioning every aspect of everything. remember that you had what your HP wanted ou to have and will have what he wants you to have. it is a feeling of foolishness especially when your husband relapsed... but lied for a year.. trickery I call it. but it was not my husband it was his addiction and alcoholism. I jus keep telling myself. I am way worth love and especially love from my HP and its surreal how coincidental things have been for me. the fact that I lost our baby a week before i foudn out he had been using for a year. meant to be. the way I found out while at a memorial service for a friend who relapsed.. meant to be.. and just the way it felt that day and others. some days for me now have a supernatural feel. sounds strange but they do. its like aura is around the day, the place, or who im with at the time. i hate words because they cant explain.. they are so concrete and i hate that... need to make up new words for what I feel spiritually i guess. but ill tell you the moon shines brighter for me now. I am rambling again. I guess if i cant say it here, where can I right? because in the real world if you talk like this youre crazzzy. hahah

hang in there, mchlipala, you deserve the good.. and the bad. the bad humbles you and molds who you will become,... and you deserve all that sorrow to carve at you so the joy can pour into those indentations and fill you up again.

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Michelle!

No one can take away your peace of mind unless you let them.
pinkchip


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Uhoh....here comes a recovery slogan!!!!

"Life is not about weathering the storm. It is about learning to dance in the rain."



-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 11th of November 2011 04:06:01 PM

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youfoundme


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Pinkchip, thats one of my favorites :) Great stuff here :)

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
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