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I went to a meeting yesterday :) It was my homegroup meeting, which I haven't been to in ages. I flexed my time at work, skipping out a bit, and met with my sponsor beforehand. I was feeling like "Ok! You win (God)! Tell me what to do (Sponsor)." I cannot control my recovering alcoholic husband's abusive, irrational, moody, disrespectful, childish behaviors. I just cannot - probably because I'm not meant to. His treatment of me and behaviors are not ok - but not getting the support I need doesn't make the affects on me any easier. My health is suffering, greatly.
My daughter is such a gift from God - and she deserves to have her mom, present and well.
I wrote earlier about an incident this weekend - and my AH is still in his funk. Last night (though I'm ill) I was up with our daughter, and got up with her this morning - because he insists on sleeping until I'm almost late for work (he's unemployed). The lack of sleep, for the last 18 months, is taking it's toll on me, on top of my AH's behavior. This is the definition of unmanageable! And, guess what? I'm powerless over it. However, I want, need and deserve to be empowered in my life.
Unfortunately, the majority of meetings available to me are late into the evening - when I have been working all day and a full-time mom to a toddler after. By 8pm, it's torture to have to go out. BUT, I have to figure something out. I am praying to God to help me regarding the meeting I want to attend tonight.
Please pray for me. I want to be well - again. I want to be healthy - again. I pray for restoration, for light and grace in my life. I pray that I do not feel the need to get anyone's approval for anything, and that I may be unaffected by my AH's behaviors.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
Soooo glad you got to a f2f meeting and you spoke to your sponsor wtg!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Your post is such an inspiration to me! We have very similar situations (although my AH is working...otherwise, practically identical). Your perspective and attitude is giving me strength tonight!
I will always be affected when someone dishes out abuse to me. You stated that his behaviors are unacceptable and then stated you want to be not affected by them (meaning accept it). Which is it? I sense that you maybe could accept his drinking and some of the things that go with it, but not others.
P.S. I am challenging your thinking and not you personally.... I have the utmost respect for you doing everything and being supermom at the moment. That is way more than I could do for sure.
You've got my prayers my friend. What helped me was I would meet with my sponsor at my home especially if I could not make it to a meeting. This was especially helpful with the birth of my second child. That is what the fellowship is for. When people in my homegroup are injured, sick or have surgeries, we take food and meetings to them. I just did that this weekend for a friend of mine that had back surgery. It helps me tremendously giving back the time that was so freely given to me. That is the love and power of the progam.
I know how hard it is because I have two young ones myself both under the age of 7. Stick to this board and your sponsor and let the miracles unfold.
Stephanie - it warms my heart to think that I may have helped you with my post! Thanks for saying so.
Pinkchip - I see what you are saying. I think I often have this circle going in my mind. I think what I'm trying to say (based on discussions with my sponsor), is that his behavior is unacceptable, but how am I going to learn to live/cope in the midst of it? Rather than accept it, my goal is to try to be as healthy as-is-possible-for-me, while being in a situation that feels not only unacceptable, but unlivable! You're right, there are just some things that I feel I can't live with - I don't know what to do about that, because I AM living with them, and wearing down as a result (even just the seeminly minor criticisms and attitudes that seem constant). Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite! Then I just get angry. But, I made my way into the relationship somehow.
I think so often of leaving, but don't feel it's an option now. My sponsor says I'll know, and I have to be in a healthier place emotionally before I can make that decision.... Thanks for pointing that out!
Tommyecat - that is a fantastic idea. I'm going to talk with my sponsor about the possibilities. Your words are very moving to me, whenever I read your posts.
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"The first step toward success is taken when you refuse to be a captive of the environment in which you first find yourself."
