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I've been going to Al-Anon for several weeks now. He has relapsed, and has pushed me out of his life for the most part. I now understand what I can and can't change, but I seem to still have doubts that it is his disease that pushes me away.
But I've done and said so many things that were wrong or hurtful in the past in my attempts to "help him." I know I did the best I could with my resources and knowledge, and I am trying to do better with my new resources and knowledge.
I still feel guilty. He always pushes me away when he's using, saying I try to control him. And I think he has a valid point. Not control him, but control his disease. I've learned this isn't possible, and I've apologized.
But when he didn't respond to the apology, I got upset and now I feel guilty that maybe subconciously it was just another thing I thought would make him come home.
I feel like I've really screwed things up in the past, and like I can't get them right even now. How can I stop beating myself up over my mistakes and truly learn from them?
I struggle with this too. The key is they are PAST - there's nothing you can do without a time machine to change it. Forgive yourself - go easy and recognize that they were probably actually learning points for you - and what you see as a mistake - may not actually be that. Try to focus forward - you cannot change what you've already done but you can choose what you do now. Sounds good in theory anyway.
The good thing about the Al-Anon program is it allows us to start over everyday. The past is the past and even our Higher Power can't change the past. Put the baseball bat down and repeat the three C's to yourself.......I didn't cause it.......I can't control it.......and I can't cure it. The problems alcohol caused in your life didn't happen overnight and they will not go away overnight. Continue attending your meetings, work the program to the best of your ability, call other members of your group and listen to their experience, strength, and hope. (what worked for them) Keep coming back and posting because your life will change for the better.....One Day AT A Time.
Today is a new day and a chance for a new beginning....continue your recovery.
Hi jazzcat, and welcome! Before realizing that he was an alcoholic, my AH went to a marriage counselor. In one of my sessions with her, I started re-counting our problems and telling her about things I'd done wrong, trying to own up to my own responsibility for the problems we were having. She finally stopped me and said, "I'm sure you are not the perfect wife. I'm sure that you have said things that were hurtful and wrong, and done things that were not helpful to your marriage. You get mad, you get upset, younger human. But, it wouldn't matter if you WERE the perfect wife. He would still find a reason to drink, and a reason to make you feel guilty for it." wow, that was really a revelation to me! And the beginning of the change in myself and my way of thinking. That's when I really started to believe that I didn't cause it and I couldn't control it. And that, no matter how many mistakes I had made, none of that really mattered when it came to the issue of his drinking. Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the very best you can, and that's all anyone can ask.
(((hugs)))
Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Thank you. I tend to have an issue with patience, and I guess I just need a reminder. I feel like it is doing nothing to be patient when I logically know it is an action itself. Sometimes I feel like I'm learning things and feel positive after Al-Anon F2F, but there's always a flip side.
I don't need to count his drinks when we are out with mutual friends, and I don't let it hurt me to watch him drink. I've been doing well with allowing his alcoholism to be his problem. I obviously care, but I realize I didn't cause it and I can't do anything about it. I feel like I've made progress as far as detaching from the disease.
Our relationship problems, however, now seem to rest heavier on my shoulders. I thought I had drinking and drugging and his addictions to blame for our issues. I thought he pushed me away because he wanted to use and I wasn't cool with it. I thought he loved me, but was sick. Al-Anon has made me feel that maybe it's my fault. I've made demands, and said harsh things. I've set weak boundaries, when I've set them at all. I've been over-bearing and obsessed with his habits. I feel like I've done everything wrong.
jazzcat we all make mistakes, we all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Never forget you were and are dealing with a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. Be gentle on yourself, and keep all the focus on yourself. That way you will be doing what the program tells all of us.......To always take care of yourself first. Having awareness, as you do, is 90% of the solution.
None of us had any clue how to deal with the addicts in our lives and yes, I'm sure we've all done damage that didn't need to happen. The reality is we can only do the best that we can do with the tools we have. All of us did not have the tools to cope with the unreasonable situations that addiction presents or we wouldn't be here on the boards or in the rooms of alanon if we had all the answers. None of us do.
It's why the program is so great, while at first we may take on responsibility for everything that went wrong at some point it clicks. As I have healed I've been able to see I only need to be responsible for my part. Maybe my part is 1%, maybe my part is 100%, maybe it's 25.99% .. lol ... it varies based upon the situation. The relief is I only have to be responsible at any give time for my own stuff. Not my AH's addiction, not his behavior, not his reactions, and so on, yes I'm sure there are a million things I could have handled better years back. I am right where I need to be right now.
As I have healed I also realized that the Lord's Prayer is exactly what I need to hear about seeking forgiveness for myself from my HP as well as allowing myself the freedom to not be perfect. It's OK not to have all the right things to say, know when to say them or even how to say them. It's all a learning process of what works and what doesn't and what I had been doing a year ago did not work for me.
Keep up the good work, keep going to the meetings and realize this is a barometer for a big learning curve of discovery.n Be easy on yourself and know no one is works a perfect program, it's all about progress not the perfection.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
"Al-Anon has made me feel that maybe it's my fault." I am so sorry that 's been your experience with al-anon so far. For me, the people of al-anon- both here and at meetings- have made me finally realize that I am NOT to blame. I hope you come to believe that because it is absolutely true. You have no influence one way or another; if he's going to drink, he's going to drink.
And also,
" I feel like I've done everything wrong." Like I said, maybe you have. I know I did. But it makes no difference because, again, had you been perfect, he still would be drinking. If you truly believe you didn't cause this, then believe that nothing you've said or done has "caused it", either.
Give yourself a break, and take good care of yourself. You're doing the best you can. Keep coming back!
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Let's say you really did do everything wrong. You did everything Al-Anon urges you not to do. The thing is, those things weren't wrong for him. He'll choose whether to drink or not to drink. You could be Al-Anon perfect for the rest of your life and he would still decide whether to drink or not off his own inner workings, based solely on whether he's hit his own bottom. Doing things "right" doesn't control him any more than any other method of control.
If you did those things "wrong," you did them wrong, as I see it, for your own happiness. I hear your thoughts, "If only I had done X and Y, things might be different with him..." I had those hopes too when I started out. Then I took in the three C's: you didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, you can't Control it.
The thing is that when we change, the whole dynamic changes. That doesn't mean they'll stop drinking -- most drinkers don't, so the odds are against it. And when they do, again, it's on their own time scale. But when we change and the dynamic changes, the whole picture changes. Our serenity soars. We emerge from the chaos. So by doing things in a healthier way, you can change that for you.
It's the relationship that I feel guilty about. I feel like I've hurt MYSELF by making mistakes. He can push me away like our relationship means nothing to him, and like it never did. A friend I made from open AA meetings with him tells me this is normal behavior for many addicts and it is caused by his addiction and his guilt and shame. I want to believe that, and that I didn't cause it and can't cure it. But then again I feel like I'm just laying blame instead of taking responsibility for my own actions.
It sounds like you are blaming yourself for a failed relationship, the reality is it takes two to make a relationship and two to break a relationship. Now that's my two cents. Who are you laying blame with? I guess I'm confused .. no one is saying that we don't each have a part in our relationships with others. No one is pointing the finger at our particular addicts saying it's their fault. It's our fault.
We are all responsible for our own actions and consequences .. yes, .. the addict has a disease .. whatever it is, I believe at least that we are all collectively only responsible for the part we play in the dysfunctional relationship. Just as we the stark raving sober person is responsible for our own actions, the addict may have a disease they are still responsible for their own actions and consequences.
Once I got back on my side of the street and stopped trying to figure out what was wrong with my AH, my relationship with my AH improved naturally because literally I got off of his back about what he was or wasn't doing and focused on myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
You are not the reason he drinks , regardless of what we say or do we simply are not powerful enough to make someone drink or Stop. Yeah we all made mistakes when dealing with this disease , bottom line Love will not cure this disease .. when we know better we do better. Keep recovery simple for now do the exact opposite to what you would normally do and it has to work out differently. keep going to your meetings focus on your needs and your gonna be just fine . Your learning a different way to live now do it to the best of your ability we strive for progress not perfection . I have been in recovery for a very long time now and have not yet met anyone who does this perfectlyso lighten up give yourself a break judgeing yourself is such a waste of time . Louise
I have been coming to Al-Anon for almost a full year now and i still struggle with guilt, too--towards things I did to my AH and to myself. Al-Anon provides the tools to help recover from these feelings and move forward--and for me it is becoming clearer that I have to really really put the focus on me. I need to forgive myself first and I can make amends to the AH when I am ready. I am not ready yet--still pretty darn angry some times about the things he has done. But I deal with it different now than I did a year ago and I understand my situation so much better than I did, and I am grateful for that. I am grateful for your post--it made me think a lot about my own situation.
"I need to forgive myself first and I can make amends to the AH when I am ready." That's exactly how I feel. I don't have any desire to give up hope that my A and I can one day have a healthier, happier relationship (no matter if he is drinking or not). But I do understand that my first priority is myself. I guess I'm just hoping someone will tell me that it's normal in a relationship with an addict to be pushed away and then pulled back and that this doesn't mean he doesn't love me and that I didn't cause it. Right now I'm feeling like I caused it, but there's nothing I can do to cure it or control it.
He probably loves you the best he is capable of. Addicts and alcoholics are often damaged people and not capable to the kind of mutual and mature love that you may be looking for. It is up to you whether that is enough and whether it is acceptable. Beating youself up doesn't help you at all. When you reach a realization about yourself that you don't really like, that is not a bad thing. Just something that you have become aware of and that you will work on.
I would work on accepting you are a good person and worthy of love right now....period. The things you do and learn in alanon will only enhance that.
Thanks, Mark. I'm trying. I really am. I'm scared of what I'm going to find in myself, but something had to give and the only thing I have control of is me.
I like you felt I bore a tremendous responsibility for the failure of the entire relationship based on my "mistakes". What I will share with you is it has been those "mistakes" that have made me into the person who I am today. I have learned from my mistakes by working the steps with a face to face sponsor. The relationships with the active alcoholics in my life have changed and improved which is nothing short of a miracle. Mind you they have not changed their drinking, I have changed.
When I finally got into enough pain and was willing to do something different, I asked for a sponsor in Alanon to guide me through the steps. Then and only then could I see how necessary the mistakes were for me to be willing to change inorder to gain a new perspective of my life and those around me who still suffer.
Be gentle with yourself. There is a lot of irrational guilt that goes one when living with an A. Please try to banish the idea that you caused it. It is common for them to try to blame everything and everyone for their drinking when the fact is, "they drink because they drink" (or as one recovering A told me "we drink because it rains, we drink because it shines, we drink because we're happy, we drink because we're sad...") You did what came natural to you (and lots of us) - and that is trying to help someone you love stop a destructive habit. As lots of us learned the hard way, that is ultimately up to them and is out of our control. You can however control your own happiness. I think so many of us get so wrapped up in trying to make them get better, that we don't take care of ourselves. It is exhausting and self-defeating. Letting go of the guilt takes time. It's part of the recovery process. But it gets easier. Sending you lots of support, nyc
I can totally relate to the feeling abandoned in the relationship. I am going through the same thing with my Abf. He has pushed me sp far away. We go months without talking and he is so deep in his disease that it is like he doesn't even remember that we were in love.
I struggle through every day as I am still new here and began going to f2f meetings. I cry all the time. And I try to figure out ways to "reach" him. But the reality is, he has to feel low enough as in hit bottom so that he CAN feel. And the truth is that if he loved me before his disease progressed to this point, then he will still love me once he reclaims his brain from the addictions.
They have to want to get better in order to get better. And they have to hurt enough to stop hiding from the unbearable pain that they believe they can't face if they stop drinking and/or drugging. They have to want to change themselves. And when they hit this point, they are working very hard to hide from themselves. So you see, they can't face us because we are reality. And they cannot handle reality.
It's a disease. The hardest part I'm learning in understanding the disease is to not take it personal.
I truly understand the hurt you feel in missing him. I choose to pray. And I pray that the crisis that needs to happen to wake him up happens soon. And I trust in the universe (my HP) to make things right.
Try the video link John posted at the beginning of the board. It is about the physiology of the brain and how addiction effects the brain. I found it very helpful in understanding what he is going through and why it isn't about me or us.
Stay positive sweetie! Keep coming back. A new day will always be ahead.
(((hugs)))
Nic
