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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Do I just forget???
Post Info TOPIC: Do I just forget???
Lindaoakford


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Do I just forget???
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Hi

I am starting to think I must have the worse memory in the world.

On Saturday, I went out to the shops for about an hour.  I knew in my heart he would have a smoke and I was only half uptight about it.  Before I went home, I rang to see if we needed anything, milk or whatever.  I had to ring a number of times before he answered.  A little bit more stressed.  Said I was on my way home (the shop is literally 5 to 8 minutes away)

anyway... I got home to him shoes on and ready to run out the door.  Sunglasses on, says to me, Oh I was gonna ask you do you want to come wiht me I am going to pick up a pump for the pool.  I had bits of shopping in my arms etc... bit more annoyed.. can I put my stuff down first I have just walked in the door... sure, but be quick he says.  I gave him a kiss and he stank. 

Stank of the weed, the ash the smoke, it just stank.  I said to him.. oh you stink?  He sniffed his fingers and said.. why I dunno why???

I asked if he had just had a pipe and he said .. Yeah... I walked away from him and that triggered me.  Go by yourself I said.  he gave me a kiss to say seeya and I just said, You stink!!! (it really did).  As I walked off I said, why did you do that wen you knew I was on my way home, you must have just had it.  His reply... cos I wanted to.

I just replied something along the lines of.... excellent... or something equally as sarcastic.. and slammed the door on him.

I was soooooo angry.  Do I just forget that I said to myslef I was not going to react????? It totally ruined the weekend. 

In my head I say, it was his fault for smoking. I can see what he thought woudl happen, he owuld hurry up and have a smoke and get out the driveway before I got home, but I got home before he left and I smelled it.  Sunglasses or not.  He tried toget away with something that he knew woudl upset me, buthe got found out.  Then he puts all the blame on me for getting angry. 

IF I hadn't gotten home early, he owuld have just had his smoke, gone out, I would have been none thewiser and I feel like he would be sitting back going... hehehehehe... I did it and she is thinking I didn't and is all happy for the wrong reasons... see... it doesn't matter if I smoke cos I can get away with it. ... hehehehehe.....

I feel like I keep going back to square one.  Last week I was feeling ok about stuff.  Today again, my brain is telling me stories that I thought were true my first week here.

It just gets so confusing.  I did say sorry to him for getting angry.  I dind't turn it into a lecture like I would have before.  I just apologise for my outburst and walked away and left it at that.  I am NOT sorry that he made me angry, but I shouldn't have expressed it in the way I did.  It just turns out that way....

I feel like I have ruined it now and he again will say, "see . you get angry every time I smoke" which isn't true.  Idon't get angry every day and he smokes every day.  He sees the times I do get angry and throws them back at me.

He says he doesn't smoke EVERY day.... I say he MAY have one or two days off a week.  I am so over this



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Linda - a work in progress
Breakingfree


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I am thinking these 2 slogans may be of help to you and I am hoping you can take care of yourself in mid spiral.
"If I keep doing what I have always done, I'll keep getting what I always always gotten."
"Recovery isn't winning, it's not playing"
I hope you are able to make it to some face to face meetings and in time find a sponsor to help in your recovery.

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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree

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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."

"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Pushka


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Hugs Linda,

I do think a lot about being powerless over alcoholism. That's the great thing about the program .. ok .. I slipped .. it's an opportunity at any given point and time to start again. It doesn't mean the whole day or weekend is ruined, it just means I need to start at a the point I'm at and refocus my own energy.

I've shared with my daughter when she's had a bad day of (me) so what I'm hearing is your whole day was awful .. her response has been well no, it was an hour out of my day .. (me) .. out of a whole 8 hour day only 1 hour was not great that qualifies that the entire day was ruined? Her response is well, I think I might be over reacting to just one hour out of my whole day. No my whole day was not ruined and now that I think about it I actually had a lot of fun, the hour out of my day wasn't great it doesn't mean my whole day was bad. I encourage her to focus then on what were the good parts of her day.

The other thing about detachment for me is that no one makes me feel any given way, I give away my power and react to others around me. They only have that power over me if I allow it. If I am holding on to my power, if I am acting and not reacting to the situations around me I am grounded and solid with right where I need to be. If I am not I have to stop and figure out what is going on.

I do a LOT of THINK and How Important Is It for my own slogans.

Hugs, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Lindaoakford


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I did calm down and my day was okish for me. But he decided to not go ahead wiht the plans that we had because I yelled at him and made him feel bad so he didn't really want to engage with me.

That is what I meant by it was ruined. We were going to go out together and do things (hence why I was so angry he smoked) together, but he didn't want to after that and sulked all day.

I will try to repeat to myself 100 times
I will put the focus back on me, I will put the focus back on me,

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Linda - a work in progress
hotrod


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Hi Linda 

 It is very very hard to practice this program  You are doing well.  Even after many years in alanon I repeat automatically to myself (at difficult times)  "I am powerless over people, places and things" and "Let Go and Let God"

It does work 



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Jerry F


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I also learned to do what hotrod describes because I kept doing the same things you have done too.  I needed a power greater than myself, the disease and the alcoholic/addict I was married to or else I would continue to keep repeating what wouldn't work...mind, body, spirit and emotions over and over and over until there was nothing left of me and she went on without me.   I always had in mind that she would drink and use...always even when I was trying to practice what I said I was doing different.  I talked the program then and wouldn't walk it.  I was doing it "my way"; "my program" not "the program" and so I keep getting the same consequences. 

Someone said some days ago don't ask questions I already know the answers to in relation to did or would the alcoholic/addict drink and or use.  That is one of the letting goes Ihad to learn...don't ask questions I already knew the answers to and also...knew that when I was told I also knew it would hurt my feelings. 

Weed stinks to me also...I stay away from it and from people who do it because of that.  It is offensive and I don't need talk about it or explain it or mention it or whatever. 

Weed and being high from smoking weed is more important that you Linda...always was and always will be until or if he decides it isn't.  It use to offend my sense of pride and my ego and my need to have the alcoholic/addict affirm me until I stopped.

Keep coming back.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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GailMichelle


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From my experiences of striving to forget stuff, I finally realized that I was strenghting the attachment of what I was trying to forget.

So instead, I strive to focus on what I can control and what makes me feel good.  If my mind still wonders onto negative stuff, I pull out some paper and take quick gratitude notes.

Be kind to yourself.  It takes lots and lots of practice to unlearn undesirable behaviors.  I feel as though I will have to practice the rest of my life.  But I'm willing because it feels so much better than running on automatic with my undesirable behaviors I learned long ago.

I still say that you are doing quite well and I'm impressed with your willingness to  carve out a better life for yourself.



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
kris10


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Oh Hun, you didn't go back to square one.... You said yourself that you said you were sorry instead of turning it into a big lecture like you used to do..right!!! So you had a little slip.. YOU REALIZED IT!! Don't be so hard on yourself... We all do it..

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Kristen

Debilyn


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Remember him using is none of our business.

We cannot control it.

He is only acting out the nature of the disease.

It't not personal.

Addicts lie and manipulate.just the way it is.

accept it and use tools, fight it and stay miserable

 or go.

Linda we all back slide hon. It seemed better when you were using your tools right? This may just be another bout of pain for you to learn!

hugs!,debilyn



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tommyecat


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Going to face to face meetings hearing the suggestions in the meetings help me practice the program.  I lean on the slogan progress not perfection because I slip too.  It is just picking yourself up, dusting off and moving forward one day at a time is what it is all about.

Keep on keeping on.

T



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pinkchip


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Linda, the only thing I disagree with in your interpretation is that he is trying to pull a fast one on you and thinks it's funny or that you are stupid for being able to be tricked. He is going to smoke when he finds the time and it's either going to be in your face or he's going to try and hide it. You have described many times where he pretty much does both. The attempts to do it secretly are somewhat because he doesn't want to hurt you. I don't think he's laughing at you when he doesn't get caught. He's avoiding upsetting you and getting to do what he feels he has to and wants to. Whenever I tried to hide or minimize my drinking, it was because I didn't want to face the truth of how bad my problem was. I didn 't want to hurt loved ones in their face. I could much more easily push away the evidence of what I was doing and keep going about my business... That is addiction. None of it was funny and I never went "hehehehe" when I was not confronted about it. I only got angry when I was. That's the nature of addiction.

Linda, you can work and work and work at this Alanon thing but, if in your heart of hearts his pot smoking is a deal breaker - That is your call to make.

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Jackie11


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@pinkchip thank you so much for sharing that perspective!! That just helped me so much!!!!!

@Linda, hugs, I hate seeing the big bottle back on the shelf and then it was gone this morning and I hate seeing that pipe. I'm trying to remember that they are his choices and I can't control it. It is so hard to detach and not feel anger over those choices!!!!



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Lindaoakford


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Pinkchip
I guess somewhere in my brain I do know that..... its just so situtational at times, like him hurrying out the door and having a pipe cos he thought I wouldn't be home in time, or wouldn't notice. I know if I was home, he wouldn't have done it. That is where I get the idea that I can save him if I just stay with him all the time..... one I am changing. After all, I did go to the appointment when I knew he would be home alone, I went to my other appointment the other day when I knew he would be home alone, both times I knew he would smoke when he usually woulnd't have if I were home.
I am still going to that medium on the 18th and I know that leaves him alone on a Friday night... I am actually going to go out to dinner also. So basically I know he will smoke and I am chosing to go and do my own thing. Saturday just felt so.... deliberate... that he must have only just had it... and then tried to rush out.
I guess its sad in a way that he thought... ooo.. I have a spare minute and get out before her.. the thing is, he was in such a rush to get there before the shop shut, if he didn't have the smoke and just went to the shop, he wouldn't have had to rush so much!!!!

Anyway..... I think I know for me.... it is th elying and the broken promise and decieving that is a major major issue. I have worked that out. I am not sure it is the substance perse.

I have promised myself to give it 12 months. I will see how I think after my therapy starts, I have been on this board for a while, I have learned how to focus with either TAi Chi or breathing, and I have been to the healer a few more times. After my second wedding anniversary (which we are going to Europe for.. yes.. including amsterdam,....) I will see what I want to do then.

Until then, these are all lessons and whinges I guess

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Linda - a work in progress
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