The material presented
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My husband just got out of inpatient rehab 10 days ago and is already drinking. Those 10 days were fabulous - full of hope, optomism and plans for the future. Then this freak storm knocked us out of power and he used the stress as an excuse to start drinking. Of course he hid it and if course I knew. I tried to get to a face to face meeting but no power, no heat, no meetings. I have lurked here enough to know you don't give advice but i guess i'm hoping for some suggestions. I'm terribly sad and angry. I've been reading courage to change and praying but i'm still feeling so very lost.
I met someone recently who went to one of those high-class treatment facilites for 30 days. Even used their own money for it. BIG money!
Did great at the treatment place - then drank on the plane on the flight home.
Most rehab is a chance to dry out for a short time and get an introduction to recovery. After that, it still takes what it takes before the idea of 'maybe I really do have a problem' finally clicks on. If it does and when he's ready, he'll start going to A.A. Until then, he'll probably keep drinking.
Either way, hope you can start getting to Al-Anon meetings soon. The meetings really help.
Yep, it was one of the expensive ones on our own dime. Gladly wrote the check because i hoped it would be the turning point. And he had been going to aa meetings but then just let this one stressor set him back to where he was before he left...
I am so very sorry that this disease has again surfaced in your life and I am glad you are attending meetings and are reading the Courage to Change.
Both my husband and son received care at the high priced inpatient facility paid for out of our pocket and relapsed. I do believe the foundatoin that was instilled at these facilities was invaluable.
Please stay close to your program. A relapse is definitely painful and disconcerting.
Take care of yourself, Focus on your life, continue to live one day at a time and trust HP
I am so sorry and understand the pain you are going through - the feeling of hope and then being kicked in the gut. Relapsing after rehab is unfortunately very common and sometimes, even for those who finally find sobriety, it takes several tries. It doesn't mean that all he learned from this rehab stay is lost. It's just a monster that he has to be ready to fight head on. His drinking is out of your hands, but your well being is up to you, and you can take the power back. Detachment is very difficult but it is one of the principles of Alanon that will help you find emotional freedom. Alanon meetings and literature have been very helpful to me, as well as books such as "Getting Them Sober." Please know you aren't alone and take comfort in the fact that so many people are going through what you are. Keep coming back. In support, nyc
Rehab isn't a one shot answer for all, sometimes it sticks sometimes it doesn't. When my AH started into addiction counseling he was told (I was there for one appointment) that the slips were going to happen, it was the tools in order to get back up on the sobriety horse and get back into a program of recovery. Those slips would happen however the sobriety would be longer and longer between those times.
Anyway, all of us DO understand on some level what you are experiencing the grief, anger, loneliness of what disappointment, broken dreams are broken dreams and they all hurt just the same. The best best best thing I did was stopped obsessing over when my AH was going to get in to treatment, did he FINALLY understand the devastation of the DUI to our family, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. The point was I took my focus off of him and a miracle happened .. sure I get still feel all of those things the feelings stopped running my life. I also now have other emotions, happiness, laughter, love, joy, pleasure, .. I even decided that I actually LIKE my AH .. that was a biggie. That had been a LONG time coming. I was only able to do that through alanon. My AH is not in a program of recovery and due to legal circumstances he has to be sober. I have no idea what the future holds I only know I WILL be ok (our kids are going to be ok as well) no matter what and any questions I have are going to have to sort themselves out as the future unfolds.
It does get better, hanging all of my dreams on what my AH does or doesn't does not work for me. It leads to unrealistic expectations and large disappointments. Hanging all of my dreams on my HP and myself is a WHOLE lot better for my mental health.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
you are not alone. my husband is drinking too, and i know how heartbreaking the dashed hopes can be. i'll be thinking about you today and will include you and your husband in my prayers. my sponser reminds me that each time there is a relapse, each drink my husband drinks brings him closer to a long lasting sobriety at some point. hope this i helpful and take care.
Thank you all. The outpouring of support from you is very heartwarming. I'm just going to hope that today is better than yesterday for him and for me (and i'm working on seeing how mine can be better even if his isn't) I'm trying hard with detachment but it feels like I'm giving him the silent treatment.
My husband did the EXACT same thing last month. It was his third rehab stint in the past 12 months. I can't tell you how angry I felt. For about ten minutes. Then I realized that it didn't feel good to feel angry and that I had a choice not to let it ruin my life. So I made all my plans with my husband have a plan b and I started reaching out to people I hadn't seen in a while and making plans with them. My husband is still drinking, depressed, miserable, not the guy I looked forward to spending my life with, but I refuse to allow his illness to destroy my life too. Matter of fact, it's 11:40 am where I am and he's outside in the back yard drinking right now. But it's a glorious autumn morning in New York City and I plan to enjoy this weekend the best I can!
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--Mare
Grateful member of Al Anon
"Live in and for the day, each and every day, starting right now."
Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D., "Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and
an Alcoholic."
Thank you all. The outpouring of support from you is very heartwarming. I'm just going to hope that today is better than yesterday for him and for me (and i'm working on seeing how mine can be better even if his isn't) I'm trying hard with detachment but it feels like I'm giving him the silent treatment.
There is a difference of detachment and silent treatment. Being angry and not speaking is silent treatment, being detached means it doesn't matter what my AH does or doesn't do his actions do not influence my mood one way or the other.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I always feel more equipped to give suggestions to the alcoholic... This may help...it may not, but sometimes a trip right back to rehab is in order after a slip like that...they do take them back sometimes and assume they released him too soon.
Hang in there. I live with an active A that went through treatment years ago. bought his way out of 3 dui's and continues to drink on a daily basis. He is highly functional...so, he feels no need to go into treatment. Everything that goes wrong in our relationship, is usually my fault, according to him. He had treatment for prostate cancer last year, and his doctor did not seem concerned about his drinking. I am sure that the doctor did not/ nor care to know the depth of his disease. Why should he?
These meetings here have been a godsend for me, as I don't know what I would do now that I have found alanon. Please hang in there.
Hang in. My husband relapsed multiple times right after trips to rehab. There's nothing we can do to change the alcoholic's behavior, and we learn in our own recovery not to take it personally. I felt hurt and disappointed very often, so I certainly understand. The thing is, relapse is something the alcoholic does TO HIMSELF, not to me. My life can go on whether he's still drinking or not - happiness does not hinge on it.
I encourage you to find Alanon meetings in your area. The family members of alcoholics suffer a great deal. It's a relief to meet people that understand exactly because they've been there, too. The program changed my life - saved it in many ways.
There is a great book "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews that helped me immensly. I hope you are able to make it to a meeting soon. Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Relapses are common but not necessarily "the norm." It is the norm for people that don't fully surrender to the disease and that don't go to enough meetings straight out of rehab. I never drank since my first AA meeting. I know several others whom this is also true for.
There's a fine balance between being supportive and condoning a revolving door relapse pattern.
Sorry to hear this is happening Danni...the above feedback was good...I tend to write too much from the Alcoholic perspective due to more experience in AA than alanon.
I, too, began my attempts of detatchment by what felt to me like the silent treatment, but it was the best i could do at the time and was an improvement over my previous controlling "discussions". Progress, not perfection! I have since, with practice, been able to detatch with chilly politeness and courtesy. Again, for now it is the best I can do. I am trying to be gentle with myself and patient with my progress. Hope you are having a better day.
I am so glad you are here. You know it takes what it takes for an alcoholic to keep drinking to get to their own bottom. Some have higher bottoms than others. When I take a step back and focus on my own recovery, I gladly give them their disease back to them and allow them to suffer their own consequences.
Twelve step recovery programs are for those that want it not those that need it. He has to want recovery and to do something different inorder to get a different result. Meanwhile, there is nothing stopping you from gathering the tools of the Alanon program to help support you in your recovery. I do so hope if you have not been to a face to face alanon meeting that you will consider doing so.
