The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
we have a 11mos old and just moved, i found a bottle in front of him and he confessed, he had been drinking for the past month, probably longer because i dont know what i can believe. He has "slipped" each weekend since, today I caught it because I wanted a sip of his drink and to my surprise it was mixed with vodka! he was sober when we met and we spent so much time talking about his sobriety and how both our fathers beening active alcoholics has affected us. how much am i to deal with, where does support for him to keep working on getting sober again begin and protecting myself and daughter from this crap end? he has been going back to meetings and said today that he will really work on getting back on track and doesnt want to lose his family. I just cant take the bald face lies right to my face and all that comes with this level of betrayal. any advise?
I am trying to find an Al-anon meeting that i can get to, i just don't know what i am supposed to say, i dont want to hear the "im sorries" am i allowed to be upset with him, do i say it's ok i know your trying. He had been sober for over 5 years and we talked about his level of temptation. he always assured me he had no desire to drink or every go back to where e had been and he works in the recovery field. our talk last night when he decided not to go to a meeting was my only concern is that he do whatever it take to not drink this weekend, he said i will go to a meeting tomorrow and im not going to drink this weekend don't worry, little did i know he had stopped at the liquor store on his way to pick up the baby and had the bottle hidden in his car.
I guess my fear anger and confusion come from that my husband got caught, went to meetings for a week then drank and passed out on ther couch, another week of meetings then another slip, meetings again and today he thought it was ok to mix his vodka into gatorade and take it with himas he drove our family around until i took a sip, choked and made him toss it. I took all his cash credit cards so he wouldl not go and buy and dropped him off at home and told him to do whatever he needed to get the help he needs, it seems like its getting worse, over the past many months he has spent his time telling me how unhappy and miserable i am on and on until i tell him to go away and we end up each night fighting and me up in the bedroom wanting to just be far away from him. this isnt the man i married
I just dont know what to say to him after today. I dont want to make things worse
-- Edited by noelle2 on Friday 4th of November 2011 05:02:41 PM
-- Edited by noelle2 on Friday 4th of November 2011 06:30:56 PM
-- Edited by noelle2 on Friday 4th of November 2011 06:32:33 PM
-- Edited by noelle2 on Friday 4th of November 2011 06:42:31 PM
We strive not to give advice because only you know what's best for you. I realize that you might not feel that way right now. However, if you keep striving for your answers, you likely come to agree that only you know what's best for you.
One thing that helped me discover what is best for me is Al-Anon's face-to-face meetings. At meetings, I am surrounded by people who understand my feelings. They freely share their experiences, strengths, and hopes.
I hope you will consider meetings if you've not done so already.
Also, reading posts from this board is very educational too.
Glad you're here! Keep coming back to learn and grow with us!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Noelle...Dunno if this is on the money or not: It sounds like your partner is an admitted alcholic that has relapsed from AA. If this is the case, I want to tell you that his odds are better than most cuz at least he made it back to meetings. When alcoholics relapse, it's pretty hard not to take it personal but the disease will actually try to protect itself by creating a bunch of lies and shame that a person would not otherwise engage in. For some reason, just about all alcoholics (and addicts) in the midst of it really think they can pull it off without other's noticing and then by the time other's do notice...a good portion of those still rationalize and lie and so that they can maintain the addiction (because the addiction is larger than them at that point).
I am an alcoholic and have been sober 3 years. I can say that it is very easy to "get busy" and cut back on meetings and then stop going to meetings all together. Unfortunately, this is a recipe for relapse as your husband probably just found out. Hopefully, he will know next time to continue meetings even when he feels he is okay and especially when new changes (such as a baby) occur.
As for you, I can say that alanon would probably help you due to your history and what is currently going on. It could aid you to focus on how you are a capable person and a confident person regardless of your husband...this way you might not feel the world caving in and that sense of dread over his drinking that you might be feeling now. I would think you could even bring the baby with you as it is so young.
I agree going to a meeting is the best place to start getting your serenity back so you can remove the fog and get back to the importance of being you. No one would blink an eye at a baby there, so don't let that keep you from going. It does get better and for me I have learned what is personal and what is not. Addiction is not personal even though it feels like a VERY personal front from our sig others. Addiction doesn't discriminate, it doesn't pick someone over another it just insinuates itself into someone's life before they know what has happened. I understand it's very painful for you right now and knowing you aren't alone is a big burden that is lifted in walking through the doors of alanon.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Get a copy of the book Getting them Sober resources are available on the internet. Al anon has lots of tools that can help you, detachment, focus on yourself. Of course like any tool you have to learn how to use them.
This board can be a great resource for you because it is available 24/7.
Glad you are here even under these awful circumstances.
Hi Noelle face to face meetings are where the answers are, as everyone else has said. I think the first things I heard in the meetings which really helped me are the serenity prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change Courage the change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference.
and the slogans. theres quite a few of them
One day at a time Let go and let God Live and let live
and the 3 c's.
I didn't cause it I can't control it I can't cure it
Detachment for me, was to start to recognise the difference between my husband (who is lovely) and the disease (which I loath)
The problem with giving you any advice is that I can only tell you what worked for me... it might not work for you. Thats why the face to face meetings are so important . You'll hear bits and pieces from different people. You'll be in a position to take what you like and leave the rest.
For me, the best book to get is >Courage to change
The program won't give you any quick solutions. It has a drip drip effect when you will realise over time that things are just so much better....whether your husband is drinking or not x
-- Edited by f2fmember on Friday 4th of November 2011 08:13:45 PM
I'm looking at this and I feel like I know what you are feeling from all the responses you have got so far... I'm farely new to this alanon stuff as well and I remember everyone saying... "keep coming back" or "go to meetings" "read this board" ect, ect,....I was like "ok great but that doesn't answer ANY of my questions".. Lol It was even kind of annoying at first... But I promise you all of those things are the BEST advice you could get!!! Like said earlier, it doesn't happen over night.. I think it's alot about finding yourself and/or what YOU have become in the relationship with your alcoholic husband.... I'm willing to bet that you aren't the same person he fell in love with and married either.... Don't take it the wrong way please... EVERYONE in our position changes to help, save, change, care for, the other person... I sure did... WOW I did!!! Only just recently did I realize that the way I changed (to try anything I could to help my bf) was NOT for the good... Actually I made everything worse in my efforts to "help" my bf... I became controlling and down right MEAN... My suggestion would be for YOU to do a 12 step alanon program.... I am working on it at home, in my own time from a book I picked up!!! The one I have is called "Paths to recovery" alanon 12 steps, traditions and concept... And if you are like me you're probably thinking, "what the heck? I'm not the one with the problem it's HIM." I figured it like this.... If I was willing to try ANYTHING to help my bf (taking away money, checking things, arguing, throwing away stuff) I was willing to try this stuff too.... Give it a try!! Keep coming back!! ha ha I hate saying that but it's true.. Write on here as much as you can or want... Everyone here is more than nice and knows just how it feels.... One of my favorite things to remember is ...You will always get what you've always got if you always do what you've always done... 2+2 is ALWAYS going to = 4 right?! You are in the right place... GOOD FOR YOU!!!
I feel for you. I have a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old, and my husband is currently drinking and it is increasing. I know how angry and hopeless this makes me feel, but after a year going to meetings and sticking with Al Anon, my life and marriage are getting better, even though the drinking continues. My husband has yet to step foot in an AA meeting, so I just take it one day at a time and work on making MY my life better, so I can be a better mom and a better ME. One of the slogans I love is : Let it begin with me. Hope this helps, and I hope you can find a meeting in your area. You don't need to say a word if you don't feel like it. It works. Thanks for letting me share. I was having a rough morning and connecting with you helped remind me of some things I needed to remember. Take care.
As a newcomer to a face to face alanon meeting you can talk if you want to or you can pass and say I would just like to listen today. Do that as long as you want to. For me I think I listened for several months before I had the courage to talk in a face to face meeting.
Also, I would like to say that I have been active in the alanon program for many years now. I live with active alcoholism and know what it is like when a loved one goes off the deep end. It is true that you can find happiness and peace regardless if our loved ones are drinking or not. For me it takes going to face to face meeting on a regular basis, having a sponsor, more importantly Using that sponsor by working the steps in Alanon.
Keep coming back and get to know us awhile. I am so glad you are here!
