The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A very dear friend of mine (and ex-boyfriend) is well into his recovery process--he's been sober for over a year now, mostly thanks to AA. He is dedicated to going to daily meetings, chairs them sometimes, has a sponsor, etc. etc. While our relationship is still close, I know that he has lost touch with most of his other friends who are not in AA.
However, this time of year--the run up to the holidays--is particularly difficult for him. I have limited experience with alcoholism--he is the only person I know (openly) who suffers from it, and though I've gone to a few Al-Anon meetings in the past, I don't really know what to say to help him as he goes through his struggle, especially as it intensifies. He knows intellectually that he has to simply take it one day at a time, etc., but what can I say to him that might provide some comfort? It's hard--so many things sound so trite to me, and I feel like, since I don't have these problems, I can't really offer the kind of comfort he needs. Short of suggesting that he speak to his sponsor more frequently, write in his journal, and those things, what can I do in the way of support and encouragement? I love this person dearly, and I hate to feel so helpless.
His recovery is his business. The best way you can help him is just listen, not give advice and accept him where he is at, suggesting he call his sponsor and others will have to chime in I don't see the harm provided it's something you can state once and let the to call or not to call answer be on him.
His struggle is not your responsibility, his recovery is his business. Staying out of his recovery is the best you can do. Those slogans that sound trite are often what brings me back to the present. Those are things that are discussed with my sponsor OR with an alanon friend, I know where I can go to get the support I need. I tend share with people who are going to support me and not go down the you should road.
If you really want to support him why not go back to that alanon meeting and get some face to face dealings of what other people do. You don't have to be romantically entangled to get good use out of the alanon program. You might find something in those walls that will not only help you with your friend, however help you with your over all life in general. It sure doesn't hurt.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
They address this in the program. They have marathon meetings in many places around the clock over the holidays generally starting on Christmas Eve. They fun every hour for 24 hours in a lot of cities. Believe me people will be talking about this issue in meetings so he has a lot of opportunity to discuss this.
I think its actually a good sign he is focusing on his recovery. I have known some addiction counselors and they say that one of the most common things that is hard to give up are the friends associated with the addiction.
I can't really offer the kind of comfort he needs.
Wiser words have not been spoken, and it is the honest truth... You cannot offer him the comfort he needs.... All you can do for him is to let him know you care, which I'm sure you already do..... His recovery is his - he knows what he needs to do, and quite frankly, most people don't want advice from non-recovery friends.... Just be a friend - that's a great job....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
