The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my boyfriend for two years and lived with him for one. I didnt know he was an alcoholic until about 8 mo into our relationship. He has recently (about 2 mo ago) started a 12 step recovery program. Things were great between us until he started going to open AA meetings. For example he used to be very open with me and incorperated me in his recovery, but since he started the open AA meetings he has changed. I was looking in his papers and the question who has your addiction affected, and I noticed I wasnt listed. I brought this to his attention and explained how it hurt me. I also told him I feel like he isnt involving me in his recovery anymore. After that he told me he cant talk to me anymore until he is ready. He told me I was trying to ruin his recovery and that his meetings are teaching him to take care of himself and to not worry about other peoples feelings. This has hurt me so bad, because I stuck by him and did my best to see him get well. I feel like his open AA meetings have turned him against me...any advice?
I understand your confusion and pain. I too felt very much the same way when my hubby discovered AA and seemed to push me out of his life.
That is when I found AlAnon Face to Face meetings and this Board.
We who have lived with the problem of alcoholism become affected and need our own recovery program.I urge you to find an alanon face to face meeting in your community and make a point of attending.
Here you will break the isolation caused by this disease, learn new tools to relate to your partner and the world and also develop a sense of how to take care of yourself, just as your Boyfriend is doing in AA
Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 2nd of November 2011 07:59:01 PM
Hi and welcome here! Here are some things I did to relieve the tension and pressure:
I got and read the AA big book. This helped me see what he was going through. Alanon has helped me to work through things I never thought I could. Alanon helps us recover from the affects of alcoholism and work on ourselves. When I began to focus on me, things began to get better for both of us. Having something else to concentrate on can only help. I can only say whats worked for me, reading One Day at a time in Alanon, Courage to change, As We Understood..., the AA big book, and Getting Them Sober. This board and meetings, getting a sponsor and beginning to work the steps have all helped me. Surrendering to Step 1, was a magical day for me. Each day is a new day and I can choose to be happy and in good attitude or not and if I remember that happiness comes from within and not from others, I am empowerd and better, little by little. I remain teachable and ready to learn :) HUGS and support to you, take care of you
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself , you need support .. we too have to change not just the alcoholic for me that is the best way to support his efforts at sobriety , His recovery is his business his papers are his business .. AA meetings are what are keeping him sober at the moment his life line , you cannot do that for him and I am sure you really dont want to take on the responsibility for his recovery . It took my husb 3 yrs sober to realize how selfish he has become when he drank , they figure it out when they figure it out period . some times all an alcoholic can do is not drink amends come in many forms , changing thier behavior , new attitude etc and we have to make that enough .
why were you looking at his private recovery papers? that in itself is not respecting his recovery process. i think your boyfriend is right- m sorry to say- its his recovery and he has to work on it on his own- thats what its all about- the people at AA- they handle people with full blown problems- and take on big mental health issues that the governement should be providing therapy and assistance for. They deal with my mum and she has chronic mental health issues- i think AA should be respected and the persons recovery is really important- he is trying to tell you that its getting in the way, you need to trust that they can do it without you i think.
I find that when I mind my own business, which my business is me, I feel so much better and I worry less about what my AH is or is not doing. Change is hard especially when at one point we've been included and now are excluded. I went through a very hurt time last year when my AH decided he didn't want me in specific things in his life. I had to find a way to accept it. Part of my own recovery is realizing that I needed help and I found alanon. Whatever my AH decides to do as his own recovery it's not my business, that is his and I honor him by on my own side of the street.
Hugs P :)
It does get easier, you are worth it and it really works if you work it. :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Going to face to face Alanon meetings and reading the Big Book of AA and Alanon literature helped me to understand the disease of alcoholism. If my loved ones had cancer, I would read everything I could to understand it better. Doing so for me helped me to gain a better insight to this disease and begin my own journey of recovery.
I do not share with my spouse about my recovery in Alanon nor do I share who is or isnt in meetings. If I am speaking at another group, when he asks how did it go, I will say well, but that is about it. It has nothing to do with not including him. Rather it has to do with preserving confidentiality, anonymity. I share challenges in my life with my sponsor who has never failed me with her wisdom and guidance. With that guidance, my relationship with my spouse began to improve and change in tremendous ways.
I myself cannot help an alcoholic nor understand why it is they drink. My alcoholic loved ones cannot understand me, how I feel when they drink. My Alanon sponsor understands exactly what it is like because she has a similar experience as me. She shares how she pulled through and gives me direction to take when I fall apart. That for me is why I keep going to alanon, being sponsored, and letting go and letting God handle the alcoholics recovery or lack thereof.
@ rosielee- I looked through his papers because he told me to. I asked how things are going and he pointed to his notes, telling me to read them. I dont think the problem was me reading the notes, but more my reaction.
Thanks everyone for replying and giving me advice!
my life was so wrapped aroud helpig my partner thats all I thought about, everything would be o.k if he just stopped and loved me as much as i did him. I loved him so much and had a picture of how good our life would be. We were dependant on each other I LOST ME. my partner has been in and out of AA and rehabs for past 2 years. I have learnt that when he drinks it is not personal he is ill. I have also learnt in al anon meetings that even if they stop drinking they are still ill and it takes a lot of hard work for them to recover. it has to be their main focus. i fely so abandoned just like u and so unappreciated. Today I am trying to find me love me get my life back. He is sober and focusing on him. I have asked for a seperation to give him the space to do this and for me to get support from al anon to get bettr too. It hurts I miss him but I was so addicted to him. Hopefully that fantasy i had may come true one day but till then i need to live my life, learn to love me and resp;ect him enough to be abl;e to sort his own stuff out. I can change no one but me.
