hi grace, you didn't say how old son was. But it sounds like they both are into drinking and partying. however i sure hope and pray she has stopped now that she is pg.

We can hope and pray she gets those hormones that tell her she is a mommy now and partying days are done. Hopefully she will make that benchmark.

He may too. But from my experience, it takes men awhile longer. They seem to get feeling jealous of the baby and miss that attention. She is fine as she will have those hormones saying You are a mom now, have a baby to protect and feed. The attracting to men sorta is still for awhile lol

Hopefully he will come to you to talk about that stuff.

I think most kids who get married are in such a world of their own. Its natural to pull away from family. Plus they both may be dysfunctional so it may be chaos at their place.

My son was in a tough bad marriage to an A. She was well a woman of ill repuke. seriously.

He finally divorced her. Now he for the first time  he said, has a lady. Told me he has never met anyone like her, she is more like his sis and mom. A lady. They are so cute falling in love, taking their time.

BUT now I KNOW I won't hear from him much. I do need him terribly. But I am doing my best to do this alone. I give him his space, and I am glad he is in his own world, happy for the first time probably in his adult life.

Grace, I don't hear from my daughter much either. But we always have fun together. BUT again I give her space. I remember loving my Mother and Dad so much, but honestly did not think about them a lot during certain times in my life.

Its painful I know, but honestly they have to pull away to grow and be ok with out you.

Believe me they will come back. They won't know what they can do if they stay too attached. Some stay away becuz they are afraid of being sucked back in. Or they are hanging on to their new adult life tight and don'twant to feel like a kid as the do with us.

Its ok to let them be who they are. We can focus on us for a change!

If dil is an A, well keep coming back!

I am not sure if I said anything. I guess I am saying I learned to step back and just live my life,missing my kiddos, but let them go. we are closer than ever now. they are 35 and 36.
I asked them when they were coming home until they were 30. seriously. lol

Its hard to let go., but it will make ya closer in the long run as they learn to come to us, ask for advice. I about died when my daughter called me for advice about her son. His first day at kindergarten first morn, he lost it and wrote on the teachers pants! lol lol the principal called lol lol kindergarten!!!!! omg

It turned out he was just so frustrated and it was all new etc. he does GREAT now.She was all do i punish him what do sI do???/ I told her no negative reinforcement.

find the good things. He immediately was all better. Those two are Always together so it was his first time to really be away from her in a structured environ.

Anyway hon. you are going to be a gma!!! how neat!!! hugs,debilyn

He might be happy now but it sounds like you see him making choices that will be hurtful in the long run....The eternal parent's dilemma. When to protect vs. let him learn on his own through his own choices. Unfortunately, anything you try to "teach" him will be thrown out the window in all likelihood cuz he will just run to his wife and in-laws.

My mom can be sweet and thoughtful regarding gifts and such but she's still critical of me and my life. After a while in adulthood, I did distance myself because I didn't want to hear the criticisms. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life (including becoming an alcoholic) but I come back to my parents and they raised me pretty well. I guess I'm saying criticism distanced me from my parents in the past so I'd be careful there...

Mark

I understand how you miss your son.  I have 2 grown sons as well, ages 34 & 35.  There have been times in their lives that they have distanced themselves from us.  Now that they are older and seemed to have worked out the "kinks" of early adult life, they seem to be more a part of our lives.

Our eldest son for the longest time did not acknowledge my birthday.  It was easy for him to overlook it because he lived out of town.  I quietyly took it personally.  But now I see that it wasn't about me at all or his lack of love for me.  During this time period of unacknowledged birthdays, calls and/or visits, I always acknowledged his birthday and continued to invite him to family gatherings.  In time, our relationship grew into a very healthy one.  I'm glad I gave him space to do his thing.

I had a good friend, who is now deceased, that had a son and a daughter.  When her son got married, he gravitated towards his wife and her family.  He'd go to holiday gatherings with his wife and rarely showed up at his mom and dad's.  I don't know why that was.  His parents, my good friends, were loving parents.  She took it very personally and suffered a lot.

One other thing I'd like to add is that the past year I'm taking better care of myself.  I've noticed that our grown sons call more often and usually rearrange their schedules to come to family gatherings and/or invites to dinners out.  Perhaps they see a happier mom and want to be around her.  (not suggesting that you aren't happy!)   Perhaps they sense that I don't want anything from them to make me happy because I now know happines is an inside job.  I don't know the reason.  Perhaps they have matured and now value family more.  Who knows?

You seem to have a good life going on for yourself.  Embrace it, take care of you - however that looks.  Perhaps your son is going through a stage where he needs space and not distancing himself because of you.

I know I needed space from my mom and it wasn't because of didn't love her.

I hope this doesn't offend in anyway.

-- Edited by GailMichelle on Tuesday 1st of November 2011 09:06:09 AM

Mark,

I'm cross talking, you brought up such an interesting point. I listened to someone speak last month and something they said was exactly what you verbalized about not feeling like they fit in and alcohol made it easier. They lost their shyness, they became someone else, even though that someone else usually couldn't stand up or speak well, they could pretend they had a role and they did fit. I don't think those feelings are so isolated in addiction issues and again this is actually the 3rd time I've heard someone else express themselves in such a way. I never felt part or connected to my own family and I've walked a really funky shade of gray with addiction. I think things have manifested in a different way for me. I just think it's very interesting to hear others talk about the not fitting in.

Thank you for your share, P :)

Grace,

We can only do what we can do, the biggest thing I learned very early on is not to take my children's behavior personally. I grew up with a parent who took everything personally, still does, anything I did was a personal front TO her. I developed an attitude of why bother because it's never going to be enough and I now have my own family who needs my attention. I don't do Christmas cards, birthday cards or anything along that lines for anyone. LOL .. if someone gets a card from me they would probably call the police thinking I've lost my mind. I do pick up the phone and call. It's just my way and for me it was hammered at me that what I did was never enough, so again with the why bother.

I think it's usually more natural when kids get married to gravitate to the daughters family vs the sons family. It's what I have seen and experienced, in my case we are out with my AH's family which is sheer irony as I am the only child of an only child.

Anyway, keep the communication open I do strongly suggest and encourage you not to add guilt to the situation with your son. Comments such as I haven't heard from you for a while, do not open doors of wanting to have the next conversation. I've seen my AH's mother rail at her boys about not calling or coming around ALL of them do not visit. Even my AH doesn't visit her often, no one wants the guilt and the stress. I think it's more important to know that as children age attitudes change as they mature. I would highly encourage you to have communication with your kid. Picking up the phone is not a one way street. Also calling for no reason is a good thing too.

I'm not saying you have done anything to cause this what I'm saying is the expectation of he should or could only leads to disappointment of what reality is.

Hugs P :)

Thank You everyone.  Mariese, I will get a copy of that.  I do not try to make anything happen or not with them.  I just plain miss him/them.  I have told them I miss them.  Our not drinking has much to do with them not coming around, I am certain of that.  I have No need to have the craziness in my life.  I look at what they do vs what they say. 

It was interesting to go through stage 4 cancer, surgery, treatment, chemo and radiation daily for 7 1/2 weeks.  I nearly died.  I did not hear from this girl who lived locally or her family during this time.  My own parents lived with us then as well, we were full time caregivers for them.  Not a card, flower, phone call, NADA.  I also nearly died just befoe the wedding.  Very strange.  I was diagnosed one month after they met.  I then had home health here, 3 of us, hubby working ft and taking care of us!  Thank GOD for the wonderful friends who brought food in for my parents and hubby!  My son didn't tell his friends about my cancer, including his best man who only found out about it b/c his Mom goes to my church and told him.  He was stunned and upset since I had known him since they were young.  So odd isn't it.

Oh well, onto greener pastures.!  I will celebrate a birthday this month, and Birthdays are a Great Thing!!!

Thanks Pinkchip.  Now, when you have a moment, call your Mom and say Hello:)

Oh, but she blocked me long before his ex came into our lives again.  And, that just happened.  Neither one of us was looking for it.  She, actually my son bought all the rights to the pics, so when I went to order some, I was told I couldn't, had to get them from her.  I don't want them now.  It is a sore spot though.  Their wedding, all turned into ugliness for me.  I was in the hospital dying and the Wedding Group all ignored all of us, me, my husband, my Mom and Dad who were living with me.  This is just too sad!  I could move on, IF I didn't feel like I Have to walk on egg shells around them all the time.  I wrote I swear 20 different responses.  I don't think she can handle any of them.  She takes a benign thing and makes it a BIG thing!

Thanks Again....I still remain, Blessed!  My feet touched the floor today!