Don't know what to think - Al-Anon Family Group

jmanning · Veteran Member

Don't know what to think

pineapple · ~*Service Worker*~

(((jamnning) ¨Is he finally admitting his problem and finally wanting to get better?¨

It's hard to say at this point. Words are cheap, actions are what count. Pay attention to what he DOES, not what he says. And continue working on your own recovery no matter what he does. I hope for both your sakes that he is serious about getting help.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It always feels good to hear those words. And many people who have said them have gone on to recovery.

When my AH first said them, I breathed a sigh of relief and thought, "At least real life can start!" I didn't quite know what a long road it is to sobriety. My AH didn't make it. He's still drinking and hasn't said anything about quitting for over a decade. So he's still an A, but not still my H. That's just one person's experience.

The good thing is that if he means it, he'll go ahead and do it. He knows where to get the help, and AA will show him the rest. And you have plenty of time to see how it goes.

Whether he drinks tomorrow or never drinks again, your own recovery will be wonderful and help you keep your serenity whatever life should throw at you.

jmanning · Veteran Member

Well right now he is county jail waiting to go to 9 month rehab facility. Which I heard was a good rehab facility. I am working on myself because that is the only person I am responsible for is myself.

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

It would be tempting for me to raise an eyebrow with a note like that, but....... better to keep the focus on the POSITIVE.

It's a very confusing time but basically, it looks like an important admission on his part. I wouldn't split hairs right now about his focus on you... that could go back and forth... we're all guilty of that.... all of us like to shift focus onto someone else, because then we avoid our own work!!

It's true, their words and actions don't always match up. But I'm powerless over that. I was taught that the universe holds a mirror for me... when I determine what someone else should be doing, it's pretty good guidance that I should be doing the same.... do MY words and actions match up? You can ask yourself, What are the actions for working on myself? Is it everything I expect him to do?

That's what works for me. ((hugs))

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs JM,

I understand wanting to run out and shout for joy followed by the caution of really, am I being set up?

I agree with all of the previous ESH, it's great if he really feels that way, actions always speak louder than words. You don't need to tell him that, he will see by your own actions of being dedicated to your own continued recovery.

The best hope is the hope we have for ourselves in getting better and finding recovery. What our sig others do is what they do, it's more important to follow through on us. :)

Hugs P :)

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Is he in jail? prison?

Ignore what they say, watch what they do. Most places have AA programs there. Is he reading AA literature from their library?

I take what an A says as hot air. I am one of those watch what what they do.

As always take a day at a time. We never know what is on a sick A's mind. Maybe he is being nice so he has a place to go after where ever he is. who knows.

Still again. working on ourselves is for us. What he does is up to him. I have love letters from AH in jail. Yea very nice ones,then he got out, went to the woman of ill repuke and has been there since cept for another dui and 2 years of prison.

sigh, hugs,debilyn

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

What great responses to your post!! Great experiences and hope. I also had to add the HP factor to the process when my Alcoholic/Addict went for the cure. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know anything about the disease but I did learn that if and when she surrendered to a power greater than herself and alcohol then she would approach sobriety with a desire to be and stay that way. I got into my own recovery before she did and so I had to get out of God's way and her way and only focus on the one person I had any hope of managing...me and I've never done a perfect job of it yet when I let go of her I had more time and ability and facility to get to straightening out myself.

Don't know what to think?...then let it go absolutely and focus on self and your HP. That is job enough.

When my alcoholic/addict wife decided that she had had enough and wanted what we have she became my metaphor for humility...really. I heard that she checked herself into inpatient of a very good local hospital program and when they came to get her for the first morning start she was sitting at the edge of her bed with a bag over her head and when her counselor asked her why she said, "I have come to believe that if I do not allow myself to be blindly led into recovery...I will never make it." That from a woman I thought I would attend an early funeral for. She (we) were soooo sick and only God and the programs could restore us to sanity. I don't know how she is doing in her sobriety today cause we parted, which was part of my amends process with myself. I do know that when I left there to come back home we accidentally met and embraced and shared a very intimate and loving embrace. We were in love without a need to be married...A second step moment hand in hand with a true 9th. I will always continue to feel the WOW!! of that moment and can still hear HP chuckle and say, "There you go...that's how it was supposed to be. Feels great huh?" I'll say.

Maybe thinking is the last thing to do. Maybe accepting is the first. Waiting for later when you find out.

(((((hugs))))) smile

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

When my husband said he was ready to go to rehab for the 3rd time, I knew by then that it was best to not draw any conclusions. Al-Anon teaches that we are powerless. I kept the focus on me most of the time.

He is into his 6 month of sobriety now and attends AA meetings daily. I continue to not draw any conclusions and keep the focus on me. My life has gotten tons better. "Our" life has gotten much better and I hear him tell others how much I've changed. I can tell he means it in a positive way.

I'm off his back these days. I don't preach to him, nor suggest what he should or should not do about anything.

It is so hard for some of us to let go of their business, but it's the only sane thing to do. Al-Anon meetings helped me finally accept that fact.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds great and like everyone else has stated watch his actions and keep working on yourself and your recovery. Sending you love and support!

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Wether he goes to AA or not please start your own program of recovery , you need support .. I pay little attention to what people say I watch what they do .. Louise

rrib · Senior Member

Debilyn wrote:
Ignore what they say, watch what they do. Most places have AA programs there. Is he reading AA literature from their library?

This is true. A.A.'s often volunteer to attend/run meetings in jails, prisons and hospitals.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Jmanning, it's a start and it's better than nothing. You cannot say for sure what tomorrow will bring for him or you. They say in our AA literature that Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful, so even after what would seem a clear resolution and surrender, people often fall back under the spell. It does seem he had a moment of clarity but what to make of it is not clear. What he does with it is also unclear. They do have meetings in jails and I know quite a few people that really started to build a great recovery program while in prison or jail.

As far as meaningful ammends....That is step 9, so if he does work the steps in order, you are going to hear about this again in more detail (how his alcholism affected you and that he is sorry. For a person in early recovery, they need to learn how to turn "I'm sorry" into a living ammends which is that they show remorse every day by acting different.

Either way J...it's good. Just don't rest everything on it...You sound like you are looking out for yourself first anyhow.

Mark

-- Edited by pinkchip on Tuesday 1st of November 2011 11:27:01 AM

rosielee · Senior Member

it sounds like it to me. its my experience that when they admit they are an alcoholic then they are nearer to recovery- there are people who have been chronic drinkers for many years and would never write anything like that.
in my eyes- this sounds very positive- very positive indeed. though for sure youll have tough times ahead. i am also aware of what others have said- talk is cheap and i know that in prison they cant drink anyway- so sobriety is easier in there.
youll have to see I suppose. I certainly wouldnt bank on it...but its a nice thing to hear all the same isnt it?

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

As it was echoed before, I would not wait until he begins his program of recovery to start yours. Miracles happen in the face to face rooms of alanon. You can see people grow and change before your very eyes. When I saw people change in miraculous ways, I wanted to be part of finding joy and happiness too. Give six or more face to face meetings a try to see if Alanon works for you.

In support,

T

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.