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I am a mother of a 28 year old son newly returned from treatment. He is very sensitive and irritable. He doesn't want to talk about treatment too much. Today I clearly was nervous because it was his first day alone with no family members around. When he didn't answer his phone I got really worried that he had begun drinking agin. When he did call me back, I made the mistake of asking him if he had drank. He got very upset with me and hung up. I need advice on how to handle all of this as a parent.
One of the best things you can do is stay out of his recovery and get your own. He's a grown kid, who is doing the best he can without using. Everything you are feeling is totally normal especially not having tools or coping skills to deal with this particular situation. I empathize with wanting to ask questions and I have come to the discovery (and I wanted to smack the person who said this to me) my AH's recovery or his choice not to recover is really none of my business. My business is living my life and letting go, letting God and allowing my AH to have the same dignity.
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you. I think I know what to do...but, my question slipped out before I knew it. It is a mistake I won't make again. It is his life to regain and I need to let him have that journey.
It's not a mistake, this is your kid and it's hard to watch someone you love sig other or child hurt themselves. I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area. It will help a great deal. You don't need to live your life walking on pins and needles thinking the one wrong move is going to drive someone else's behavior.
Hugs again P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Living with the disease of alcoholism infects us all in a powerful and destructive manner. We develop irrational anxiety, fear, and anger.
I too would like to suggest that you find support for yourself in the rooms of alanon face to face meetings in your community.
Breaking the isolation, connecting with others who understand as few others can, learning new tools to interact with helped me to develop unconditional love for my son, the alcoholic and still take care of my sanity.
p.s. if you haven't tried them already, check out the 'Getting Them Sober' books, by Toby Rice Drews.... She wrote four different volumes - #1 is mostly for those living with active alcoholism, but I believe one of them is more specifically for those in early recovery....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi and welcome. The best way for me to stay out of my A's way is to work my own recovery program. Face to face Al-anon meetings saved my sanity and that is where I found my brilliant sponsor who has been through it and is walking me through my very own step work now. MIP is a great site to visit to hear other's share and be able to relate with.The book that Tom mentioned above was so full of helpful information!! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
The best way to support the alcoholics in our lives is to have our own program of recovery , please find Al-Anon meetings for yourself you need support . We have to get off thier back and allow them the dignity to live thier lives the way they choose . Trust takes time and has to be earned asking an alcoholic if he has been drinking is an invitation to be lied to or at the least an argument . If he had drank there is nothing you can do about it anyway .. Let go and Let God works .
I appreciate the good advice and the books that have been recommended. I guess I thought the hardest part was the intervention to get my son into treatment. However, I realized yesterday that it was the first day out of treatment that he was alone and it bought on this wave of worry and anxiety that was irrational. So just when I thought we were on our way to feeling better, I felt horrible all day. I wasn't prepared for that feeling and it overwhelmed with anxiety. Hopefully, I can gain some perspective through Alanon. Even as I write this, I can think of the things that are good: 1-He got into expert 28 day treatment 2-He didn't drink until he was 22; 3-He is dealing with it relatively early (after two years); and he has a supportive family. I will try to keep the perspective and keep myself healthy. Once again, thanks.
New sobriety is very hard - different from the challenges of active alcoholism, but not the rosy walk in the park that my mind told me it would be. I don't have a child that's an addict, but my husband went to treatment several times. Each time, I got my hopes up that he'd stay sober and this time it would work. I felt very calm while he was in treatment because I knew that he was sober and getting help - very different from the chaos leading up to treatment. Each time he got out of treatment, I was a train wreck emotionally because I was so worried he'd get out and start using.
Alanon saved my sanity with the last rounds of treatment. In there, I found people that understood. I'd found that people that were not members of Alanon assumed that it was my job to make sure my A stayed sober after treatment. They assumed that I had some sort of power or responsibility to control whether he drank. I assumed that I had some kind of power or responsibility also. In Alanon, I discovered that the only way I could ever have peace and serenity was to give the responsibility back to the other person. I wasn't their higher power, I wasn't their babysitter, and no amount of effort on my part was going to keep them sober - just like no amount of effort on my part had ever been able to make them stop drinking in the first place.
Mousie....Your asking isn't going to stop or change whether he drinks. He is either going to grasp recovery and go with it or he wont. Just pray and maybe have a discussion with him about boundaries so that he can tell you what will benefit him as far as how to support his recovery and you can be honest about your worries and that it's hard for you to not be "a traditional worried mom" but that you are working on recovering too as alcoholism is a family illness.
Thanks for the description of the first week of recovery after treatment. I didn't really think about how I would feel once he was out, but, I realized the past couple of days were as hard as the intervention to get him in treatment. I do appreciate the advice about letting him have the dignity to his own recovery. I also realize the triggers that get my anxiety spiking. Not answering his phone or returning my calls have been associated with him drinking. I have to change that thinking. It may just mean he isn't available to talk to his mom or doesn't want to talk to his mom. Either really is OK as long as he isn't drinking.
One more question....I have chosen to not tell many family and friends about my son's treatment. My logic is that it is his to tell if he wants and not to tell if he chooses to keep it private. How do others handle this privacy issue?
One more question....I have chosen to not tell many family and friends about my son's treatment. My logic is that it is his to tell if he wants and not to tell if he chooses to keep it private. How do others handle this privacy issue?
Exactly just what you have said it's his business to share. Or at least that's how I've tried to approach things. I do have people I can share my feelings with about things, I've actually edited down what I share and I am working hard to keep it about me.
As far as my AH's family and any friends who aren't more than aquaintences I keep it to myself.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I understand that those who are in recovery have alot of emotional maturing to do and I know from my experience with my ex A. he had a hard time becoming a man because his mother treated him like a 12 year old. In little and big ways, calling to check on him constantly being one of them.
He resented it but couldn't even find enough indpenedence to tell her so.
It was a sad situation because they both loved eachother so much but she was always worried and controlling and he was always avoiding her or not telling her the whole truth...(not really anything to hide it was a habit he had gotten in from years of her calls).
I hope this will not happen to you and your son. This was my experience watching an alcoholic and his mother...
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 2nd of November 2011 01:41:32 PM
I am so glad you are here too. I wanted to share that I have always found it best to let people in recovery tell their own story. You have your own too. Stick to sharing your experience, and let your son share his.
well...I believe we already have a relapse...I am so sad
Hugs Mousie1,
First off, relapses happen, just because someone goes to rehab the issue is not "cured" there is no magic wand to wave over someone at these places and presto bingo the A is cured .. ohhh if only it were that easy. It's more important to have the tools to get back up on the sobriety horse and keep going forward, sometimes the times between getting on the sobriety horse can be longer than others.
The reality is it's going to be a long road for everyone involved, alanon helped me see that it doesn't matter if my A chooses recovery or not. YES .. I want him to choose recovery I did not cause, I can't control and I will NOT cure him of his chosen addiction. HE has to want that for himself. HE has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. I got there this time last year, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and nothing else in my life was working I knew alanon wouldn't hurt me. I'm so very grateful because it helped me.
I truly encourage you to go to an open AA meeting sit and listen to the people speaking, they have lived the life your son is walking and they walked out of it alive. The open meeting I attend is a wonderful speaker meeting and I sooo enjoy it. It helps me understand my A better as well as understanding myself in the stories they share. It gives me hope that if my A choses to practice recovery that he can do it. Regardless if he does or not, I only have to be responsible for my part in any given situation of the day, which includes my own happiness and being able to love my AH where he is at right this moment. Some days are easier than others that's why I love this board it reminds me I am not alone and there are all kinds of wonderful people if I choose to reach out.
I also encourage you to find an alanon meeting in your area. I think it will be surprising to hear that you are not the only parent going through this and that no matter what you can still love your son as an active addict. I used to feel I needed permission to love my AH because of what we have been through now I know .. I'm a child of God and so is he, and just like me he deserves to be loved, .. I work on liking him from time to time .. lol .. I would garner the feeling can be mutual.
You have not failed your son. I'm going to should you a bit .. lol .. with a good heart behind it. You should forgive yourself whatever it is that you think or feel you did wrong as a parent and alanon would truly help you find ways to heal yourself. I think you would be surprised how much easier it is to love an addict where they are at with the help of this program. No matter who our children become, our children are our children for life some of them take a little longer to find the path home.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
