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He's got this bad habit of taking the car and driving it to the bar even though the bar is a 7 minute walk. Even though we discussed him not doing it
Last week I was dropped off by a neighbor and took the car home and he got a ride from someone.
Tonight we were at a friends house and he left 30 seconds before I did so he should have got home first but was not so I went to the bar and sure enough... there was my car.
I got a ride there and took the car home.
I realize I can't control his drinking but I also feel like I should be able to say "no, you can't take my car to the bar" and have that be respected.
So, what to do? Someone suggested taking away his keys but that would be treating him like a child and I just don't see that going well.
Tonight after I got home I realized he had left his cell in the car so I drove to the bar to give it to him. I walked in w/ a big smile and did not give him 'xxxx'. He said he was just drinking one, which, for him is not possible. After he finished the one he was drinking when I got there, he said "just one more then I will go home w/ you". Well, after that one he needed another because he was almost at his "perfect buzz". I kept my boundary and said, I cannot stop you from drinking another but I need to leave. And I left and he will walk home.
Do you think me sitting w/ him at the bar was enabling him?
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 30th of October 2011 09:09:49 PM
I'm not sure what your situation is as far as his car your car or our car? We had just one vehicle and it was the family car. The first choice to me is don't drive drunk, however not his choice. When the van was gone overnight one to many nights and I had things to do, and only van. I drew a strong line. Yes, if you have told him it seems it should be respected. I don't know program words, I believe I did the what was in my best interest. You'll find what you need to do, for me we got a second car and I stopped worrying about not having a car the next day and the law took care of why.
Hugs p ;)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Aloha Mara...it would be so unfair to judge what you are doing without having to judge what I did before I got into the program and learned things different. We do the best with what we have all the time and when we learn more we get the choice to do different. I use to travel East to West in the valley town I lived in looking for my alcoholic/addict wife in all bars in that direction and then met another man who use to do the same thing in the North to South direction...glad we met in the meetings and not at some intersection at 3AM. Then I learned more about me and for me. I learned slowly which for me is best and learned good. She was left to the consequences of her choices while I was planning my own consequenses and then learning to make the choices to get me those.
You're doing it the best you know how to for today. In the fellowship with lots and lots of additional ESH from others I learned I can have different by doing different. Today I do different. How different do you want it to be? Do you know that there is a difference between enabling and helping and we do have a spiritual philosophy of "to thine own self be true" and that takes much listening and practice.
Take your time and continue to reach out for support and help..."If you keep and open mind you will find help...." You can hear that suggestion in the closing statement of most every face to face open Al-Anon Family Group meeting...it's what saved my life. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I think only you can determine whether or not you were enabling. I always refrain from doing so as Jerry pointed out because I would be judging. For me as long as I was operating under if it was in my best interest, then I just cant go wrong. Hence, "to thy own self be true" Shakespear
It's a fine line between what you might call enabling or not. I think the term refers to protecting someone from the natural consequences of their actions. So...sitting with him at the bar is not a consequence...Not having a car and not spending time with you etc...those would be.
Not sure if that helps or not. I don't think trying to answer questions is judging when a person asks. If a person punches me in the face and then asks "Do you think that was violent?" I will say yes. I will not refrain and say "I don't want to judge you so I won't comment." That is just not normal conversation and not a normal way to communicate. We make our best efforts here knowing that others can take or leave it and none of us knows everything. It's sad that I felt the need to add that disclaimer.
To save my husband from killing himself or others while drunk driving, I took the keys. It was the only way I could sleep at night. I don't care if he felt like a child--he should. He was certainly acting like one. My 2 cents.
I had a number of cars with the ex A. All I can say was this issue was an absolute nightmare for me. I took the keys many a time. He always got the truck/car back. He was obsessed with driving while intoxicated. There was something about being on that edge. I can't count the number of tickets/court cases there were.
I would say taking the keys is not an issue if someone is intoxicated they are behaving like a child so why would you give them an option to behave like an adult. Hindsight is always 20/20. If the bar is nearby why can't he walk because he doesn't want to lose faith. The ex A would drive half a block!
There is no easy answer. One thing is for sure. Dont' worry a bit about hurting his feelings. Remember he is medicated. Protect your assets. Does he need a key if he drunk? Is he on your insurance? What is wrong with his car/does he have one?
