I have heard that being with an addict is like being with a man who is having an affair -- he pretends he's with you but all his focus is on the "other woman" -- the other woman here being alcohol or drugs.  The difference, I guess, is that when you confront a man who's having an affair, sometimes he stops, but confronting an addict -- well, we know how effective that is.

Once when I was single and lonely I was talking to a friend of mine who was in a not very good relationship.  I said, "At least you have a sex life!"  She said, "It's better to be single.  Because then you can go and find a boyfriend and have a good sex life.  But if you're in a crummy relationship, to have a good sex life, first you have to get out of the relationship and then go and find a boyfriend and have a sex life!"  That made me laugh, but it's also true. There's nothing like the loneliness of being in a relationship that isn't a relationship. I think it's normal to feel lonely in those circumstances -- that's awareness.

My take on it is that nobody gets all their needs, every single one, met all the time. But if we do what we can to get as many of them met as we can, that helps us have the strength to face the situations where other needs aren't getting met.  So working our own recovery helps take care of those needs.

I spent so long in a relationship with a man whose main relationship was with his addiction. I sure wish there were easy answers.  Hugs.

((((Kris10))))
Hey, let me just say, that things can get better if you begin to focus on you. What you want, what you like, and whats the next best thing for you to do. My loved one who is my fiance, was once a heroin addict and major drinker. Things began to change in our house when I began to change myself. I spent so many days watching him use, watching him run out to cop drugs, seeing him cop drugs, seeing him totally in a blackout, seeing him dazed out...but like I said, something changed for us when I began my healing journey. The focus on me began to put the addiction and everything he did on him. I stopped reacting. I remained calm. If he wanted to go and do something I let him go and did things for me, like calling my sponsor, listening to XA Speakers online and coming on here and posting to other people. The way I began to get better was by getting out of my own head and helping and sharing with others how it was beginning to work for me. I kept the words: Live and let live, let it be and Let go and let God with me at all times. A peace would surround me a little at a time. I would get out of his business and let him be an adult. I stopped enabling him, by doing these things: I didn't yell, scream, fight, give the silent treatment or do big talks anymore. When he woke the next morning after a blackout, I stopped all the guilt trips and allowed a serenity to move in. I couldn't do anything to make him stop. Now he is not using anymore and he is barely drinking.

He says at that time in the midst of using and insanity that he loved me so much, but he was just so sick. He said it again "I loved you, but I was sick" There in those words, I see that this addiction, this sickness is attacking a real person who is fighting for his life. He is not out there using and wanting to hurt you, he says he loves you, but he is sick. Another thing I had to do was to Quit taking it personally. He was not using to hurt me, or ignoring me to hurt me, he was in the middle of a battle for his very life. And I was so enmeshed that I was sick too, my body wasn't well and my mind was not well.

I began to come into my own when I finally surrendered to step 1. Then step 2 and 3 followed and now I am ready to do step 4. I had a big dream that helped me to get to that point that I posted about recently.

Please know you are not alone and if you keep your focus on you, that is something that can only help you. I stopped getting mad at him and started to look at me. I began to love him. Your loved one is an addict, let him be and focus on yourself. He is an addict but he is still a human being and he needs to be loved right where he is at. You may see when you begin to look at yourself and start helping others that you will too begin to get better...and he may join you in recovery. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take care of you :)

Thanks everyone.. I know I have to work on make me happy and being happy with myself.. Its just so hard and lonely sometimes ( alot of the time) I just miss how it used to be. This man when sober is the most affectionate man ive ever known. Thats one of the reasons I fell in love with him.. He was always kind and loving even just holding hands.. I miss it and as he keeps using its less and less.. I almost crave his attention and I fear that it will never be the same.. I know he loves me and he isnt a cheater but yes does feel like he is having an affair.. I hate being the only one who is working on things...

I guess for me it's soo hard because my A is kind of the only one I have... (besides my son 6 years old).. I don't get out much and have lost alot of friends since I have anxiety and agoraphobia disorder.. So, I pretty much stay in most of the time.. It's hard for me to get out and do things so I've always had him... When I don't have him I sit home alone... Nothing to do and noone do do it with... I guess that's where I have to continue to work on me.....

Debilyn...

Soo what you're saying is that pretty much every H addict is the same and they don't care about anything and all share needles???? That he doesn't love me and is just using me to "play his addict disease"??? Please correct me if I'm wrong... Also, I don't think I said anything about him abusing me... He never has and don't think he ever will because that is not in his nature.. I sure as heck did NOT define this as love... I would define this as addiction... A disease that is not "played" but very real.. I have had many conversations with him about this (sober or not) and it is not that he doesn't love me... He stays gone to not hurt me.. He knows that it hurts me to see him like that.. Not that he doesn't want to come home. He does. He has a disease that makes him need to leave.... He wrote me a poem and in it was a part that I will never forget that said "you love me even when I have to go".... Not that I'm trying to justify any of this behavior because I'm not... I also don't believe I said anything in my post about me enabling...I've dealt with this many times over and I in no way enable him.... Sure I have in the past. Everyone makes mistakes right?

I guess the whole reason for my post was to vent a little... Just saying that although I KNOW he loves me, this disease takes away from it... I sure don't believe that every H addict doesn't care about anything... They do.. Very much so.. I'm sure if I had the physical withdrawal pain that they had I'd want to get rid of it as soon as I could even if that meant I "had to go" for a while.. They don't do it to hurt us.... I know this.. It just gets hard to not always take it personal...

I understand the *poof* he's gone thing!
Man, that really sucks.
A couple of things help me when that happens. Depending on the circumstances and how I'm personally feeling I can do a couple of different things. Often times I pray for him hard, I found some literature that I use as a base, it's scriptures that I read over him and put his name in. Also, I think this is part of detachment, I don't count on him for anything. Which is a horrible thing to be in a relationship where you can't count on the other person, but that is how it is. I always try to have a plan of what I will do for myself by myself.
If I have a plan to do something and then suddenly he wants to be "spend time with me" I don't change my plan for him. Well, I guess it all depends on the circumstances, but in general.
You have to take care of you, first.

Now I'm up at 2am ... just woke up again ... just like that ... suckies cause an alterative is take a pill and wait for that unseen spirit to turn my lights out and then wakeup maybe with some shadowy low clouds laying just under my hairline and behind my eyes.  So an alternative is come here and read and this is a good thread and reminds before program...before recovery when I was married to an addict thinking that she knew how to be "normal".  I didn't even know what "normal" was and was fighting accepting our screwed up life as the definition.  Loving an addict...I didn't know how to do that.  Expecting the addict to join in on mutual love, affection and investment in the marriage was like waiting for my train to arrive while standing in a closet.   Kinda; sorta the bread in a hardware store picture.

I found a counselor who hit me between the running lights with the explanation that I wasn't getting back any of the love I was investing in the marriage and who also said what was said here, and said it to my addict spouse which caused her to leap out of her chair in denial..."Jerry feels that you are having an affair with another man."  He saw the picture (metaphor) clearer than I did...counselors can do that because they practice detachment well...No return on the investment; like chucking my love down a dark hole and yes the picture was as clear as if she was having an affair with another(s) cause she was always gone and out with her user friends...far and long, abandoning her family and refusing to investigate my concerns.  Course after a while I had worse issues than she did...LOL.  Step 2.  Came to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves could lead us to SANITY.  Life was insane!!  Get me some of that Higher Power thingy and quick and that took me another 5 years and more wandering around in the desert (literally a converted one) until I was guided into the program.  That was another alcoholic and then an alcoholic/addict after the first one I was married to.  (doing the same things over and over again expecting different results  =   insanity).

I just love how the membership shares remind me of how it was and then what I found out and do today so that I don't have to repeat what I did then.

Mahalo (Thanks)   (((((hugs)))))

It may help Kris to remember that in a normal course of a relationship, it usually gets less affectionate....The passion dies a bit and there is an easy sort of comfort in a longer term relationship. So...some of the outward affection dissipating could be just due to it not being new anymore. Obviously, I don't know the answer but alternative explanations sometimes help a person from assuming it's just them or 1 other thing (the heroin in this case).