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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Well do you love them?????
Post Info TOPIC: Well do you love them?????
Debilyn


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Well do you love them?????
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For me it is not that we don't say anything, hold it in, feel frustrated. It's not about the A asking me what is wrong.

It's more it is none of my business, it is his life, his disease is his own. I love him, I am glad he is home, I am sad he is so sick. But I choose to live with him as is.If he is not ready to go into recovery, or if he is in active I am just fine, there is nothing wrong with me, whatever it's not my inventory!

Honestly it is not that they are drinking, had drank whatever. Becuz people get just as upset with, uh did you go golfing after work? Naughty, you need my permission! Are you going fishing AGAIN!? um so whats it to ya?

Are you going to want dinner if you eat that corndog??? (Everyone Loves Raymond)Um are we the stomach police??? Hey I told you dinner was ready, its going to get cold. Well too bad, maybe they don't mind if it is cold, they are busy. so what?We did our part by making dinner!

I mean really they can warm it up. Or if you choose to and you both give to each other, you could cuz ya love them!

I would not like, are you going to eat again? Another bowl of ice cream?

You wearing that again? Are you taking more pain med? Have you had a beer?

Are you going to whatever? It's none of your business buddie!!

We are adults, we have rights to be who we are. If someone does not like it that is their problem not ours. I am not his mother, probation officer or God. I am his wife. I chose and choose to live with him as another adult who does not want my life questioned either.

The best thing we can do for those we love is to love then as is,  not try to change them or roll our eyes at them. What right do we have to do that??

Besides if he had measles are we going to say, omgosh do you have all those spots again!Low blood sugar again!?

Al Anon is humbly teaching us to stay on our side of the road. Work on us, on how we can make ourselves better people. To love others how they are,not how we want them to be.  We ask to be able to "ACCEPT" that which we cannot change. we ask we may have the ability to change what we can, we also hope for guidance that we know the difference.

If I cannot accept someone as is, then I don't deserve to be in their presence. I am not anyones judge. I can love them, but not love what they do, or love the sickness they have.

It is NOT personal. Our loved one is coughing from a cold, headache from a migraine, they are an A, the use drugs, They lie, they manipulate. Or whatever symptoms they may have.

Would LOVE to see my ex AH even if he was drunk or had been drinking. To at least have him home. Sadly part of his brain damage is horrible abuse.

I would love to have my dead AH here, being silly, drunk, sober asleep so I could see his curly blond or grey hair, hear him laugh. Just be here.

Sometimes we forget that we are here because someone we love is an addict. Could just as well be we are here becuz we love someone with cancer.

I guess I am yacking becuz both the men I loved and love and married are not here. And I know Al Anon tools work as I had a chance to use them.

And I miss the two idiots so very much. hugs,debilyn the dipstick they both chose to marry.....



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Very Very Tired


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Debilyn, Thank you. Those are the words I needed to hear tonight. Really. My tears are flowing. Thank you. That was beautiful. My AH, in whatever condition he is in, is here tonight. And, as painful as it is, for that, I am thankful.

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Jerry F


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Debber...For me that was dramatic and I've missed it now for about a week.  My wife is out of town and I'm surviving myself.   How mysterious...LOL.  You do drama so very well.   (((hugs))) smile



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rosielee


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i think everyone case is different. if you can accept your partner and his sickness then its always good to accept people if you can- but if your partner is turning on you and making out you are the one with the problem- or if your partner is making your life hell on a daily basis- which so often they do- then this cant be accepted. becasue its sacrificing one self for the sickness of another. but i think you are right- at the end of the day- if there isnt too much problems- yu have to accept people for what they are- as we are all imperfect and actually we all have faults.

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rosie
White Rabbit


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Thanks, Debilyn. I agree with much of what you wrote.

For me, I did love him ... but I did not live the chaos and drama, the legal and financial trouble, or the feeling that I was in a marriage by myself. So while I did love them, maybe love wasn't enough. I'm not sure I know the answer to that.



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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
GailMichelle


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It's evident that you loved your two ex-husbands.  I wish that things would have turned out differently for you.  However, perhaps the past has transformed you into a more loving person than you were before.  Who knows the true answer.

Keep taking care of yourself.  smile



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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light.  Lama Surya Das

Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die.  Malachy McCourt
Debilyn


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yes Rosielee, in many of my shares of my own experience, I share, we can either learn skills to be able to stay with them if we choose.....

Stay do nothing, complain and be miserable....

Or we can remove ourselves from the situation....

I my first died from being drunk and getting ran over.

My second after eighteen years, was wonderful. Had a medical relapse and woke up a monster. Al Anon was great and worked however when the horrible physical abuse happened that was that, he was out of there.

I never, ever say stay with an abuser. Any kind of one.

The post was to remind us when we decided to stay, we do get frustrated, disappointed, that is so natural, we would get mad at cancer too! But also to remember we do love the person, its the disease we hate and are frustrated by.

We can always love the person and hate the behavior.

love,deb



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
newlife2011


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Hi all, I am new here.  Never been to an AlAnon meeting but plan on going!  Newly married (for the second time) and my husband hides bottles of vodka, sneaks it in his drinks from the quickie mart or a glass of soda.  Also opens beers to cover up the vodka breath (I guess) but rarely finishes the beers.  I am frustrated, angry that he thinks I'm too stupid to know he is doing this, hurt that he is hiding it (feels like a betrayal almost), and worried because his mom is a wicked angry alcoholic (vodka...go figure) and his dad has issues also.  He (hubby) just told me a week ago that he had checked himself into rehab in his 20's.  I have called him out on this sneaking thing twice.  It has been happening since April that I know of (first time I found a bottle in the trash) but am sure it's been going on much longer.  I am looking forward to going to AlAnon because I do realize this is not my problem, it's his, and I can't control it.  I can't even tell his is drinking other than he is tired, but it bothers me and he is sneaking it so I know that qualifies it as a problem.  Guess I just wanted to put all this out here because it is 1:15am and I can't sleep as tonight I found his cup up in the top of one of our closets; last night it was in the laundry room.  I am so upset and don't know how to talk to him about this!!!  It is eating me up inside!!!



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newlife2011


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P.S.  YES I DO LOVE HIM WITH ALL MY HEART!!!  HE IS A WONDERFUL MAN OTHER THAN THIS!!!



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Jackie11


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I have asked myself this question so many times over the past few months. Do I really love him? The answer is yes, it's why I'm still with him, and why I've sought out a program to help me  understand how to accept and love and yet not enable or make the disease worse.

You are always honest, always real, and you have a wonderful way of asking questions that makes me think!!!

Thank you for this post!!



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hotrod


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HI Deb
 
 
After pondering your posting I feel reminded of the song " What's Love Got to Do With it.". I have heard so many times" If love was enough to cure alcoholism then there would be no alcoholics"
 
 
I do believe everyone who looks for help here or in the rooms of alanon truly does love the person affected by the disease. I also believe that in my case , I did not know how to love unconditionally, without expectations, without strings. Mine was an imperfect love and very filled with keeping score and being hurt..
 
Alanon taught me how to "Love" unconditionally and for that I am truly grateful.
 
My husband gained sobriety, remained sober for 6 years even during the worst of times suffering from incurable cancer and died sober My son gained sobriety, lived a powerful enriched life for 13 years , relapsed and died from this disease in a short time .
 
 
I was able to be with both until the end. I am truly grateful that alanon taught me how take care of myself and to love unconditionally ..


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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