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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> facing my mom's alcoholism - again... thankful for alanon
Post Info TOPIC: facing my mom's alcoholism - again... thankful for alanon
amills4294


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facing my mom's alcoholism - again... thankful for alanon
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OK, I know it never goes away, but I've done a fairly good job detaching myself from her disease.  But, I'm not perfect and there are times that it just hits me in the face again.  She went in for surgery for a blocked carotid artery.  My father told me the night before she went in, she went out and bought 4 large bottles of wine.  Something, he won't do for her anymore so she wanted to make sure she was stocked before she went to the hospital. 

I chose to drive both of them to the hospital and stay with my Dad during the surgery.  He is getting older and is getting confused more easily, and honestly he is always there for everyone else, but rarely is anyone there for him.  I took the day off of work and picked them up early - my mom was nasty and bossy to him as she always is.  I know that is his battle not mine but it still unnerves me when I see it.  I do understand she was under a lot of stress and anxiety - so I just helped her as much as I could before she went in.

During the surgery my father told me that she has been drinking at least 6 glasses of wine a night and several hard liquor drinks after he goes to bed.  She justifies all of this because she never starts until after 4pm and never drinks during the day.

When we went to see her in recovery, it really struck me hard to see her lying there.  Of course she is not young anymore, but she was always a beautiful/striking woman.  The alcohol has destroyed her.  She has a petite frame and has always been thin naturally.  She was never atheletic.  Lying there, she looked like she was 8 months pregnant.  All her weight is in her abdomen - not arms or legs.  I know it's the alcohol.  My mother has never liked her self, I know... it's apparent.  At least, not on the inside.  That's why she always wore lots of makeup, dressed impeccably etc.  Within one hour of recovery she was asking for her makeup... 

I could feel the pity and the anger welling up in me watching her... she has done so much of this to herself and she has not understanding or care of how her actions have in many ways, destroyed our family.  No one has called her an alcoholic - no one has confronted her with any of it.  We've all just danced around it.  I know it is her disease.  I know she is responsible for herself and her own happiness and I am for mine.  But I want my chance to get angry - I want my chance to tell her that she's not fooled anyone all these years but I know that it will not change things... but it sure would make me feel better!!!  I just have a difficult time watching her kill herself slowly.  I kept repeating the serenity prayer over and over and over again in my head.  My dad is soooo codependent.  He gets angry about her drinking and then defends her the next.  He doesn't believe alcoholism is a disease - he never has. 

I just needed a place to vent... I needed to share this with people that understand.  My husband doesn't get it, and honestly I don't feel any compassion from him.  He just feels like I should just shut her off.

Thank you for this board.  Thank you to my HP for Al-Anon.  I sooo need it now.



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White Rabbit


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Oh my goodness, I related to SOOOO much of this. I actually read your last post too, and meant to respond but I don't think I did. You were talking about your mom switching doctors when one catches on or wants to do tests. Mine does that too. It used to make me angry - the reality of it now it just makes me sad.

My mom is also an active A - has been for 20+ years now. She went to a couple of years of AA but then went back out. That was almost 10 years ago now. A year or so ago she went to see her usual doc to get some med she's taking refilled. He wanted a full blood panel, which she wouldn't allow. She switched doctors, but the new doc made her have a blood panel before he'd even prescribe whatever it is (cholesterol meds, I think, but I don't know - not my biz). She got the blood panel and was really shocked and upset by the results. She's never mentioned any of this to me - I heard it from my stepfather via "don't tell her I said this, but ____ " - not sure if that kind of conversation goes on in your family of origin, but that's extremely usual in mine. Anyway, I had a couple years of recovery under my belt, luckily, so I've never even mentioned the liver thing to my mom. Before recovery, I would've made it my business to explain to her at every opportunity why she can't drink, why drinking is bad, how she's killing herself, etc. But in recovery, I know that she already knows all this. She does not need me to remind her because she knows.

My mom was dry for a couple weeks after her diagnosis but she's back at it now, worse than ever. It's hard to watch, knowing that something is wrong with her health that she has never told me. It's hard to think that knowing she's aware she's killing herself, she doesn't stop. My stepfather buys her the wine, reasoning that if he doesn't buy it, she'll buy it herself and drive drunk. He gets angry at her for drinking, but if anyone else says anything he gets angry at them and explains all the reasons why she drinks. Like, she drinks because her job is stressful, and she only drinks when she gets off work, etc.  Yikes.  He also explains that she quit going to AA because she got tired of people telling her what to do and that she was a bad person.  Whaa??  Anyway, they're both very sick.

It's soooo hard to watch. I thank my lucky stars every single day that I don't live at home with them anymore and it's no longer under my nose the way it was when I was a child. Out of there, it's easier for me to get better, to learn how to detach and not take someone else's behavior personally, and to have compassion because my family members are so incredibly sick.

Blessings - glad you're here, and keep coming back.


Summer



-- Edited by White Rabbit on Friday 28th of October 2011 07:14:40 PM

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
Debilyn


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I invite you to be angry at a disease,not your mom.

She was never trying to fool anyone, she is and has been very sick. Your mom and the disease of addiction are two different things.

Of course you have every right to be mad at this horrible disease. Every right.

I loved my mother so much, I cannot tell you how important she was to me. Cancer killed her. I HATE cancer, I gave all my rage and pain and hurt to that freaking disease.

It's not your moms fault, its a horrible,horrible disease that we as a society have made prejudice against!

People look down on people who are addicts!! How insane is that???

Anway bless your heart, sending you love,debilyn



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> facing my mom's alcoholism - again... thankful for alanon