The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been pondering.. as I do... What are examples of boundaries that people have? Particularly those of you in Al Anon long term (lets say over a year or so for the sake of it), and living with the active user.
Other comments naturally appreciated also.
Where do you draw the line? If you know the person will be using you don't 'be with them', one sip of alcohol in front ofthe TV and you leave the room, no alcohol/drugs in the house? Its ok toyou if they use/drink but if they become abusive you leave the room? None of the above????
What has worked the best for you to stay sane with an active user and maintain your boundaries
I hope some people respond to this...this is one of the biggest questions I have. I am just beginning and started leaving the room when he's drinking. I plan on not speaking to him on the phone if he calls while drunk and leaving the home if he starts getting obnoxious.
The Boundaries that I have are all program tools that keep me functioning in a healthy manner and enables me to communicate my wants and needs to others in a constructive manner. They are focused on my behavior, my thoughts, words and actions. I to not control others with my boundaries, I use them to enrich my life.
I defined My Principles
Learn to Focus on myself (only person I have control over)
Live ODAT and do not project to future or dwell in the past
Treat everyone with courtesy and respect
Say what I mean and mean what I say
Pray
Mediate
Work program by doing the Steps and attending meetings
Review my day each day in order to validate my life (10th Step)
Trust HP
Then I place these Principles above Personalities and live with serenity, courage and wisdom.
Linda, great question: I am only about 6 months in but my current one and only boundary with my husband (addict of multitude of things) is this: I will not be mistreated verbally.
This is the one thing that has been the hardest for me in our marriage. He would get very verbally mean either when using or from guilt of using. Using my tools from Alanon a while back I waited until he was in a calm place and informed him that of all the issues he has (we have) the only thing I will no longer tolerate is his tirades against me. I calmly told him this is my line in the sand and I won't live like that. I can deal with the relapses, the lack of being able to hold down a job and basically being the responsible one in the relationship, I can live with those things, but to heap verbal attacks on top of that was simply too much. I said it in a super calm way, it was'n't a threat, it was simply a statment "I will not live like that" I didn't need to say I would leave him if it continued, it was implied and he got it.
I will say since this things have improved a lot and he has had a few small slips, in which I immediately removed myself from his presence and he quickly understood and got back on track. Through my work with Alanon I am more hopeful than ever about my future, one day at a time. Much love to you. sg
I like what HotRod has shared, I hope I can aspire to that level at some point .. lol .. I'm so not there.
I tend to go with what promises I make to myself that aren't about controlling other people.
If I can't say something nice don't. I only have to be responsible for my part in any given situation. It's ok to say no and not explain myself. If I am uncomfortable with a situation I can remove myself from it.
I have more however those are the ones that I remind myself daily. I like this topic!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I am only 9 months into the program. My boundaries, at this point, are about keeping myself and my children mentally and physically safe:
I won't allow the kids or myself in a vehicle AH is driving if he has been drinking. I will no longer accept the unacceptable: affairs, verbal or physical outbursts, etc.
My AH doesn't drink in front of me. If I feel he has been drinking, I refuse to be in his presence: if I have a vehicle, I leave and go to a friend's, to a park, etc. If not, i talk a walk, go to one of the neighbors to visit, or work in the yard. If i can't get outside, i go to another room and read, write letters, take a bath- something i enjoy. I refuse to talk to him if he's been drinking - it's easy to tell, he's one of those Jekyll and Hydes". And, at this stage of our game, I refuse to live with him unless he's actively seeking help and trying to stop. Thanks for the post, it's helpful to me to stop and recount what I'm doing every so often, and I don't do that wothout a prod!
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
My boundaries with my AH (we're separated, he lives with his mom now but comes over for visits with our son) are that he must be sober around me and our child. That is non-negotiable and he knows it. I simply can't handle it otherwise. He hasn't drank for about 2 months but I'm not counting on anything and not harrassing him about his recovery - I just tell him that around us, he's got to be sober, period. At least I can maintain my sanity that way. Being sober in our presence is a clear cut boundary. But I do have issues creating boundaries in other (yet related) areas, that are not as clearly defined. For instance, how much/how often do I see him, how do I deal with my family, etc. That may be fodder for another post - but it has been something I've been struggling with a lot lately.
I don't care if my current boyfriend has a drink or two in public or at a party. I would start freaking if he got drunk and was pouring multiple drinks at home. This would bring up issues for me about my own drinking and I would end the relationship. I would have to do that to avoid relapse.
I've only just started but this past July it had reached a point where the verbal attacks were horrible. I determined that if he didn't turn it around in 7 weeks then I was leaving. I didn't say anything to him about this, stating it would have given him the chance to push me away even harder. I did confront him on how he treated me the night that I thought I was in physical danger. It happened on a Thursday night and I had to work my restaurant job that night, I took a personal day from my full time job, I confronted him the following Saturday morning when he was sober, and told him that he has a problem, which of course he denied, I realize now that my approach was incorrect but that was before I started researching this horrible disease. However it was then that I started establishing boundaries.
By the time September 17 came on the calendar he was no longer verbally attacking me. Up until that night, and that night I refused to buy alcohol. He was starting his spiral, where he gets ahold of the topic and won't let go and it gets worse and worse. I looked at him and asked if he wanted me to leave. He said no. I said then stop speaking to me like that, you are not going to treat me this way any longer.
I realized that whenever he's drinking I can't be in the room with him. Because he normally drinks at night and late into the evening I'm able to go to bed and get away from him. I wake up at 4:45 each morning so I have good reason for being in bed by early on nights when I don't work the 2nd job and as soon as possible on the nights I do work.
I have clearly stated that I don't agree with the pot and alcohol, I stated this and told him it was the last time I will discuss the topic with him. I said it's not my job to tell you what to do, how to live, or what you can and can not do, you are an adult you have to make your own choices. I have not brought it up again, and will not. Another boundary that is for me.
I do not search for or pour out his alcohol or dump the pot, no matter how much I want to I understand that it's not going to help matters. I have started researching, I want to fully understand as much as I am capable what this is. I attended my first meeting. He said I was going to hear a lot of sob stories and project them on him, I told him I'm going for me, and from what I can tell that is not what Al-Anon is about at all. Then I stuck to it and went to the meeting.
Last night I found out that he's not been paying his parents anything for the place where we live. I was LIVID. I have my own condo which I rented out because we agreed to be located where he already was established. I had arrived home from my restaurant job and he was drunk and high, so I didn't say anything I just went to bed. I confronted him this morning about the fact that we should have been paying all along and I'm appalled that we have not been. I stated that I'm glad his mom is handing all of that back to him. I didn't state this to him but I know She has realized that she has to quit enabling dysfunction.
I have given myself until June. I know that change doesn't happen overnight. I know that I have to change me. I know that I take this one day at a time. I will read, attend meetings, do everything to help me be the person I need to be. Perhaps he will change in the process. I have to let go of what I can't control, and I am powerless over this disease. I refuse to just give up and walk away and I also refuse to allow my future to drain down a bottle and up in smoke.
Those are my examples of boundaries so far, sorry this is so long.
I am similar to others...though I am getting to the point where I can love him right where he is at. Depends on the day, and how I am doing in my own recovery. When I focus on me things go a lot better. I work on if I am in a bad mood, and he is drinking and I don't like it, leaving the room. I go to bed, read, call my sponsor or an alanon friend...for the most part I try to not get negative because that causes a fight. I focus on getting through the moment and being in the moment. I pray for help (God, help me) he knows what I mean... Here is a normal night without booze in the house: We talk, laugh, watch tv, and so on. If there is booze and he is drinking it goes like this: I come in and see it or smell it. I have to check myself before I wreck myself here so I do that. When I am surrendering to step 1, I get it. I can do my thing, smile, talk, hug, laugh etc. If I am in a HALT mood (Hungery, angry, lonely, tired) I have a hard time surrendering to step 1. If I can force myself to call my sponsor, I am golden. If I can't, and sit there and stew, it goes all wrong. SO...the best thing I can do for me is to keep out of HALT, stay in the moment, focus on me and God, call my sponsor and if I can't get ahold of her, I go on MIP or read alanon literature. So I don't know if thats boundaries, but its working for me. If he drinks, I stay in the room if I can surrender to step 1. If I can't, I do the other things, including leaving the room without HUFFING and PUFFING out of the room. I will usually hide the car keys too, in a manner in which he has no idea I am doing it... HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
My personal boundary is to mind my own business. When I do so, I dont have the time to meddle or pay attention to what other people are or aren't doing. The more important question for me is, What AM I Doing?
I love that reply, too, tommye! It's gonna be hard for me, but that's the main one I'm working on now.
For instance, I haven't heard from the ABF today...he's travelling. This isn't typical for him and I'm a bit worried because he quit cold turkey, he's on the road and was complaining of pain last night when he called to tell me goodnight. I only called him once around 10 a.m. He usually calls several times a day.
I just called while writing this and his phone is turned off...he works in manufacturing plants and gets business calls all day...
What really works in keeping the focus on myself is to read or reread old posts on this board to occupy my mind in a healthy way. In doing so it serves as a positive distraction from the thoughts "what is he doing or not doing" because I am learning something new. Other ways I occupy my mind is to read alanon literature, or write a gratitude list. Anything to prevent my mind from going to the dark side until you hear from them.
On nights that my loved ones are drinking, I sometimes get on the board and try to help another person out. That for me helps lighten my worry load knowing I may have had a positive impact on some out there who is still struggling. That feels so much better than carrying worry, anger, and frustration.
YFM.. thanks. that is the exact type of answer I was after..... physically and practically... what do you do when you see/smell/know your partner is using.
I see that you can still be in the presence of him and enjoy his company, I see others cant' because of the abuse and they disappear.
I see what you say too, it depends on how you are coping with it... I get that.
For instance, how much/how often do I see him, how do I deal with my family, etc. That may be fodder for another post - but it has been something I've been struggling with a lot lately.
This is where I am. How much/how often and dealing with the family...tough one for me.
My current active qualifier is my mother. I don't live with her so I don't have quite the same day in, day out issues that someone would if they were living under the same roof as active alcoholism, but some of the boundaries apply with anyone.
1. If it's after 4 and my mom is calling, I send her to VM. Whenever I listen to the message, I can decide if I want to call her back that day or the next. [She likes to drunk dial and either cry or pick a fight, neither of which I will indulge. If I do find myself on the phone during either one of these, I will interrupt her mid-stream to say that I need to go, and that I will call her tomorrow. And then I do call her the next morning. I just don't consider it a productive use of my time to sit there and listen to a drunk person cry or rage.]
2. If I go to my mom's house, I do not go with the expectation that she'll be sober. I go just expecting to love her where she's at. That keeps me from getting resentful or disappointed when it doesn't go the way I wanted. That said, if she's abusive or I'm uncomfortable, I leave.
3. This goes for any person, alcoholic or not - I don't get in cars with people who have been drinking or abusing any substances. Period, non negotiable.
4. This also goes for any person - I will not drop my life to go bail an A out of jail, pick an A up at the bar, buy booze, etc. I did that for a long time, but I do not take on any of those responsibilities anymore. If it's a life or death health situation I'd drive someone to a hospital. Other than that, I stay out of it.
5. I work really hard to just mind my own business. That's the best boundary of all for me, and the one that does me the most good in my recovery.
