The material presented
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I joined here last night, I am really impressed at the quality of the replies and that its a great resource for people that need it-like me I suppose. The alcoholic in my life is my 40 year old brother, I will be 29 in a few days and I am just so worn out trying to fix other people and getting nowhere I know something needs to change, and that is me.It is sad when you realise that it is like the end of a relationship until things change.
My brother and I have always been so close I am his baby sister and still remain so in his eyes even though I am married now over a year and have my own life, he respects that but at the same time always expects me to be at the other end of the phone to talk too. He rang my phone about 10 times last weekend looking for advice while I am happy to be there for him its taking its toll on me physically and mentally. Mentally I worry about him all the time, I went home last weekend and he was out with my husband and I and my mother, my brother wanted my husband and I to go back to his place drinking at 3am in the morning we were tired and said no which is unusual for me as normally i would, we went back to my mothers place and there was no drink there, my husband went to bed and my mother and I and my brother were drinking tea and all of a sudden my brother flipped he looked so mad and he throw a chair roaring that he is sick of being pulled and dragged by my mother and my older sister, he is suffering from Paronia and thinks the town wants him out and my sister is plotting against him, he drinks all night and does not know when to stop argues with people getting sarcastic etc he does not look well and threatened to my mother and I that he will end it all. My mother went to bed as she did not know what to do and I am left to calm the situation down. After my mother went to bed I was upset and told him I hate when you say things like that as this is not the first time he has said these things, he says sorry to me and i love you your my sister I would not do that to you but this is after he says it. I am so upset and worried that he is suicidal its just so hard.
I spoke with him on the phone sunday night and he had been out drinking again and he said when he came home that the door was different then he left it that he did not have bolt on and he reckoned my sister had been in the apartment like what the hell how am i supposed to deal with this, I tried to rationalise with him etc. My family are pretty dysfunctional as a whole but my sister would not go to his apt that does not make sense. I am just to the point where i want to move to the other side of the world and leave it all go where noone can contact me i love him of course his my older brother who took care of me as a child but I cant do this anymore...any advice on what I should do would be very much so appreciated.
Finding a face to face meeting is a good way to start. You are going to find out you aren't alone and that you aren't that different from many people out there.
I find with phone calls at least for me I have more choices than I used to think I had, .. 1 I don't have to answer the phone even though I know who is calling. That's why God invented voice mail it will be there later if I choose to deal with it then or I can wait. The point is I am ready when I call. 2 I answer the phone and just listen, my dialog has shortened a bit .. to you might be right, I don't know, what do you think .. LOL. It's no longer my top priority to give advice, listening is a really good thing. 3 While on the phone I can decide when enough is enough .. lol .. it means I gotta go is also now more readily used. I don't have to explain why .. I can just hang up the phone. I understand that it's difficult to find choices that work for others, this is strictly what has worked for me.
For me the alcoholics in my life I won't talk to when they are intoxicated, it's a boundary what's the point of talking to someone who isn't going to remember the conversation the next day? I used to get the rants from my AH's parents late night like 2am stuff, .. I would say it sounds like you don't feel well right now why don't you call back when things are clearer. Hang up and unplug the phone if necessary. My AH was horrified the first time I did it, well sorry at the time I had to work early AM and I don't appreciate drunken phone calls it was and is my house too. We removed the phone out of our room. Shocking to the whole family was we were the ones who got an apology for the outrageous behavior. Now if he wanted to sit all night on the phone with them he could in a WHOLE other room .. lol. I didn't need my sleep disturbed as well.
I do believe that you can't rationalize with an irrational person, nail jello to a tree and it's about the same image it's just not going to happen. I find anyone in an altered state of mind, (drunk, high, angry, pick one) it's just not worth the breath. I don't mean that in a mean way .. seriously, take a bottle of beer out and yell at it .. what's going to change? You can't throw it either .. LOL .. that's not the point .. yelling doesn't get anyone very far.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi and welcome here :) Glad you found us and glad you posted! Alanon is for you, to help you recover from the affects of someone else's drinking/drug use. I have learned so much here and at meetings. I am gaining tools that help me live a better life. Some things I learned right away: You don't have to answer the phone, its ok to not pick it up when its him. Its ok to let the voicemail pick up and call him back later when you are better ready to talk with him. Waiting til he is sober (usually in the morning) is the best time to say "Hey this can't go on anymore, I need to not take calls from you anymore if you are drinking (or whatever it is you need to say)" but say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. REmember you can't do anything to make him stop. You can only change your ways and change you. The first step says it all "I am powerless over alcohol..." HUGS! Take care of you
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am so glad you posted again. It is suggested in Alanon that we refrain from giving advice. Rather, we share our experience, strength and hope from our individual program of recovery.
I am the only person in my family that is in recovery. All it takes is one person to break the cycle of denial. It has been so helpful for me to learn as much as I could about the disease of alcoholism as I would any other disease a family member may suffer from. That included reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon conference approved literature. Attending face to face meetings keep me strong and teach me how to detach with love from those family members who still choose to drink.
I thank you again for posting and revealing more of your story. We are here for you in love and support.
Call 911 when he threatens suicide, threatens others, or if he does anything else destructive (like throwing a chair). A suicidal and/or homicidal person meets criteria to be involuntarily committed to a psych ward (usually for 72 hours at least). From there, he will have both his mental health and substance abuse issues addressed. Now...having said that, it probably won't be enought to change things in the long run, but it may at least help you guys understand what is really going on. You haven't written enough and I have not viewed him to say for sure but there are some clear psychiatric issues going on here in addition to alcholism.
Not giving advice pertains to how you go about personally dealing with him, your relationship...etc. As far as dealing with threats of violence and suicide, I will give you that above advice as a mental health professional and a sensible person.
Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate it. See he does this when he is drunk and then says its fine when he is sober, in my country the person has to be sober when being commited anywhere you cannot commit a drunk person, it is stressful so stressful thanks for all the replies for now there is not much I can do all I know I have to do is to switch off and take care of me I am trying to do this. I think you can become really obsessed with others in your life and you have to step back and say enough is enough its a long time coming for me and although I love my brother with all my heart I have to set myself free from worry and let him live his own life. Change is never a comfortable thing and I think I am as sick as him in a different way. Thanks again everyone.xxxxxx
They committed my ex-A for sure when he was drunk and took a whole bottle of pills...Dunno. That is strange cuz one way people kill themselves is by getting drunk and then doing things they wouldn't do sober. So, not committing someone who is drunk is dangerous.
Yes, I failed to mention the exception to advice giving that Pinkchip (Mark) raised in the event of violence or immediate harm, 911 should always be called. It is always best to err on the side of caution.
Welcome to MIP! I hope you are able to make it to meetings and find a sponsor. The book "Getting Them Sober" was also a life saver for me. I am glad you shared and keep coming back. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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