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level.
Well, AH and I are back from our week in Nevis, West Indies. It was a wonderful vacation and I didn't 'see' him drink during the vacation. There was one day where he went golfing without me and he came back very 'happy' and snored like crazy that night and I suspected that he drank that night, but I didn't say a word. Yep, that's progress for me. Normally, I would have asked him stuff like: did they have free booze? did you drink? You know, when you snore really bad, it's usually because you had been drinking.
You all get the picture. While we were there, we had a few knock down, drag em out conversations. Me crying, him sitting across the room listening, etc. I needed to release a LOT of pent up angst, I guess. Anyway, every talk we had went well for the most part. I put my heart out there and told him that I will be working on forgiveness and releasing myself from the bitterness and anger that I've been carrying around with me since childhood.
I had called his psychiatrist before we went on this trip and they had called me back to tell me that he isn't supposed to be drinking while on the Paxil and that the doctor would talk to him about it. AH never said a word about the appointment and I never asked(again, that's a tiny victory for me.....not prying). I did note that the day that I thought he drank, he didn't take his Paxil or Trazadone that night. So, my guess is that he's going to self-medicate himself. Drink=don't take my antidepressants. Don't drink=take my ADs. Anyway, I'm leaving that ball in his court. I have finally decided that HE needs to take care of his mental health, his physical health, and everything that goes with it.
Oh, and here's a picture of us from that night. FYI: we went to dinner with a group from his company to a historic sugar plantation called Montpelier Plantation where Lady Di was once a guest. While we were there, I got a LOT of attention from their Greek host who runs the restaurant and grounds for the owners. At first I though it was my imagination but my friends said that it was clear that this guy was interested in treating me 'special'. I got to admit that it made my night and even AH got a kick out of it. Hey, it's always nice to know you're married to someone who can still turn heads, LOL! AH said, "Well, he may like you but I get to go home with you." True, true.
-- Edited by ilovedogs on Monday 24th of October 2011 07:14:52 PM
-- Edited by ilovedogs on Monday 24th of October 2011 07:21:38 PM
How WONDERFUL!! I'm sooo glad you had a nice time!!! Letting go is huge and being able to own your own stuff without being responsible for theirs is really big. It's a freeing feeling. :) And here you were so worried before hand. :)
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Congratulations on all those 'little victories'. I certainly realize how very difficult that can be. What seems like a small step to you may just inspire someone else to try taking some of those first 'baby steps' that will lead to their own recovery. I'm so glad you had a good time. You have really come a long way, you should be very proud of yourself!
Denise
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
I think I still need to remind myself that I am just taking 'baby steps' because last night I found myself immediately questioning him in my mind. He is away on business and told me he went to Gordon Biersch for dinner, where I know he enjoys their beer. I pretty much know he drank and I found myself wondering if he was going to skip his antidepressants or if he was going to take them. I wanted to say something but I bit my tongue. Unfortunately, my mind went right to the negative. All the what ifs got clustered up there and it was soooooo hard to keep my mouth shut. I kept thinking: Great, what if he drinks and takes the meds and gets f'ed up again? What if he skips his meds again, he's already skipped a day and will probably feel some withdrawal effects? What if he keeps skipping his meds just so he can drink? And, on and on my mind goes!
So, I guess I made progress because I didn't actually speak my 'what ifs', but I still think them, LOL! Surrendering is harder than it looks.
Also, I am currently working through a book on forgiveness. I started working on it while on vacation and keeping a journal and taking notes from it, etc. It's really helping me see how anger and bitterness have taken root in my heart and how I have to let go. I really need to just learn to take it one day at a time and if that's not good enough, then I need to take it one hour at a time, etc.
