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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Will it ever be done?
Post Info TOPIC: Will it ever be done?
rehprof


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Will it ever be done?
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My AH and I are divorcing. long story short we still have a joint checking account to pay loans that are joint (autopay)...inclyuding the mortgage (which I have paid ALONE since june) and a snowmobile loan.

In february,( we had been separated for 3 months then) I asked him for his debit card because he kept taking money out of this account (my money). He hasn't worked since last June.

He will deposit money in the account to cover HIS snowmobile payment -- but only occasionally.(like 5 times in the last 12 months) .most of the time I cover / pay everything because he does not, and my name is on these notes until the divorce is finalized.

Today I got a voicemail from him that he withdrew $50 from this account because he is broke.

I want to call him and say "What right do you have to take MY money? Get a 'xxxx'  job!

I have to close this account...but it is a huge inconvenience as so many of my autopays come out of this...so I'm just fuming...once again, he expects me to bail his A** out because he is broke.

Do I say anything or let it go? Am I continuing to enable if I don't confront the issue?



-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 24th of October 2011 06:22:30 PM

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tommyecat


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For me I think I have never regretted making a decision or taking an action that was in my best interest to do so.  It sounds like you have some sound reasons why you should close the account.  Which ever decision you make, it is up to you to decide what is acceptable and what is right for you at any given moment.

In support,

Tommye 



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Pushka


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I agree with what Tommy has expressed, any decision I have made in anger never seems to go exactly the way I mean it to, I try and take a bit to cool down reason things out with myself and then take a new look at the situation. I am better able to see the whole picture. It's def what is in my own best interest when it comes to any decision I make. It is always ours to own in the choices and consequences of our own individual situations.

Hugs and support, P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Lindaoakford


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HI

I was just wondering if the bank knew of the separation?  Perhaps they have some options regarding the 'type' of account that can be set up with pending settlement and legal separation?????

My ex husband and I shared a bank account for awhile after our separation.  What amazed me was that two days after our separation, his money was already being deposited into another account..... I found out later he already had another one set up... he had been planning it.. anyway, sorry, bitterness rising up there..

Angry decisions are never the best



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sookie


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I have never regretted closing our joint account--and we were still married! I could not sleep at night without protecting myself. There are *some* things we can control

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Mattie


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It seems to me that there are two issues: one is whether to move your money to a new account that he can't access, and the other is whether to confront him about his irresponsibility with the joint account.

It seems to me that you've clearly established that he can't be trusted not to take unfair advantage of the joint account.  So protecting yourself is important.  It's a hassle to move everything over, especially all the autopays, but less hassle than losing the money because he's gotten in there and made free with it.

As for confronting him, I guess the Al-Anon question "What's your motive?" is a good one here.  There's a case to be made for just moving the money and shrugging -- he's an alcoholic and irresponsibility comes hand in hand with it.  For me, it always got my goat not to give the A any feedback.  I think if I were in this position, I might say to the A, very calmly -- or by e-mail -- "I feel angry that you haven't abided by our decisions about the account.  I've changed accounts so this won't happen any longer."  And then I'd just end the conversation.  If your A is like mine, at that point he'll roll his eyes or argue or try to bait me, and that's where it takes a lot of self-possession not to react.  But we already know he's not going to be convinced, because if he were responsible the problem wouldn't be there in the first place.  Of course I'd move the money before letting him know, so he doesn't try to go and withdraw it all. 

Whatever you decide, it sounds as if you're getting a lot of good practice at taking care of yourself.



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rehprof


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Thank you all --

Sookie -- yes, I can control this...I'm just mucking around in resentment because of the hassle factor. WOE IS ME.. hahaha (I have my arm draped across my forehead as I speak...in true martyr fashion)

Mattie -- i want to confront him because HE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Duh. If he knew better he wouldn't be that way to begin with, now would he? So, my motives are to teach him a lesson!! (I've been so successful at teaching him he is worse than ever, btw...hahaha)

I can't believe he is 54 and has NO clue about how to live...he has no money...wahhh. poor me, poor me, pour me a drink.... 

What if I just said -- oh, I'm out of money...no food for the kids this week...really?..it truly is maddening what this disease can reduce people to.  Me..I want to shake him..even after all this time (a year of separation) and detachment. He has the decision-making skills of a 5 year old.

I have to move a bunch of things tomorrow and drive to the bank and fix this. But the martyr in me is REALLY MIFFED about it.

Totally unenlightened tonight...but I KNOW you guys can relate.

 

 

 



-- Edited by RLC on Monday 24th of October 2011 09:22:20 PM

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Debilyn


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I would not say a darn thing to him.

Sounds like you already did and it did not work.

Myself I would go to the bank open another account in my name only and have all the autopays from it.

He can put payments into the other account, if he ever does, you keep your eyes on it and take it out and put it in the bill account.

He is sick, we cannot expect them to think rationally. We would protect us if they had a brain tumor or any other disease!

Even with one day of taking care of this, I would make a list, then it is done,and no more concern for you!!! hugs,debilyn



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rosielee


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keep it open- so he can dip into it whenever he is short of cash - xxxx


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rosie
rosielee


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you may notice a hint of sarcasm in my voice-lol

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rosie
rehprof


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rosielee --

I'm fluent in sarcasm...and thats pretty funny



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youfoundme


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Rehprof:
I hope you find that focusing on you and what you need will help you feel better. When I started to finally get Step 1, things started to get better all around me. You can only control you and what you do. Closing out the account and making a new one can empower you. When I was leaving my ex. it helped me. Take care of you :) Sarcasm is one of those things we use as a defense mechanism. I found for me, the more I heal and work on me, the less sarcastic I get...its a coping skill we learn to make things funny that aren't so funny after all... I too am fluent in it. That and body language... HUGS!!!!!!!!

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-youfoundme

Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me... 

 
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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Will it ever be done?