The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Actually, I never left. It's been a little over a year since I posted, but I get on here at least once a week to read other's posts, stalking, I guess you'd call it. But now I'm in a bad place again, and felt the need of support.
My AH admitted to himself that he was an alcoholic 3 years ago, after 35 years of drinking. This came about because i had finally made the decision to leave him as i couldnt take it anymore. He went faithfully to AA for a year, was doing great, the change in him was amazing and wonderful. Then he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, successfully treated through surgery, and 4 months later had a relapse. Back to AA for a few months, another relapse 3 months later. Quit drinking again, but did not return to AA. Another relapse last spring, more promises of sobriety, but again no AA or any other type of support. He started drinking again a few months ago and I finally confronted him with it 2 days ago. He now says that he doesn't bellieve he is an alcoholic. However, he says he will quit FOR GOOD this time ( I wonder how many times we've all heard that line?!). Yesterday he threw out all the empties he'd been stashing away, and put 3 unopened beers in the fridge, said there would never again be any beer on the premises. All well and good, all promises I've heard before. I can deal with this, al-anon has given me the tools I need. The new twist and the thing I can't come to grips with is the fact that he now says he doesn't have a problem. He realizes that I DO have a problem with his drinking and at I won't stay with him while he is drinking. But I know that if he is only quitting to appease me, it won't last. It turns it all back around to being MY problem, not his. How do I deal with this? I have to be supportive of him in his effort to quit, and I know I have no say in how he accomplishes that. But I also know that until he admits that he has a drinking problem, nothing he tries will last for very long. I don't think I'm being a pessimist, just being realistic. So, I guess I just go along with this fantasy of his as long as he can manage to stay sober? He knows that I believe whole-heartedly that he IS an alcohlic, and he is just as firm in his belief that he is not. Not just that he's not an alcoholic, because it doesn't matter what term you use, but more seriously, he doesn't think he has a problem with drinking AT ALL. After 3 years and all we've been through, I just felt that the fact that he was an alcoholic was a given for both of us. I can handle the relapses but I just don't know how to handle his. I love him. We've been together for 40 years, married for 33. I don't want to leave him but I am determined that I will not go back to that way of life. I was to a point where I'd accepted that there would be relapses, that this was a battle we would fight together, probably for he rest of our lives. But how can you battle something that he claims doesn't exist?
I think I'm just tired of trying.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
NGB - I'm not sure if this will help but I think he's saying drinking is not a problem for HIM and this is just code for him saying he's accepted all the consequences, damage, being addicted, and doesn't care. He may not see a problem due to his age and that drinking is something he is able to enjoy without as much horrible consequences in his mind as other folks claim to have in AA.
Of course it's harder to rationalize and say "I'm an alcoholic and I just don't care about quitting" cuz that makes one sound like a gutless loser so it's easier to say "I'm not an alcoholic and I don't have a problem."
In any case, if he is quitting to please you, well that's still something. Yes, it won't likely last and it's not enough to want it for someone else, BUT its better than nothing and folks have started in sobriety to please their spouses before and then for whatever reason it stuck.
You know what you are up against and you spelled it out pretty well. You understand his disease better than he does. Welcome back and look forward to hearing from you. Your boundaries seem relatively set and that's a good thing for you.
Part of my own recovery is accepting all of my AH not just the parts that I like (this includes the addiction issue). He binges, it's so hard because it's one drink in a year, six months. The issue is the one drink doesn't stop one drink is a 12 pack, plus a bottle of wine or whatever it just all takes off, he doesn't disappear for days, and then it's what happens when he drinks. He has said in the past that he doesn't have a problem, AA is not for him. He is facing some pretty big consequences at the moment sooo .. who knows what the future holds.
I can't answer what is going to happen come Feb this next year, another legal chapter closes for him, I can tell you with the support of alanon and what is going on in my life now, today I can accept him. I have to answer that question every single day when I get up in the AM.
Hugs and in support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
youv said you cant go back- so go forward somehow.
youll figure it out. its painful but going back is worse. thats all you need to know really- to resolve not to go back to that- youve answered your own question in fact.
This was said in a meeting this morning, perhaps it will help. It is "take off the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror"
For me focusing on someone else's disease makes me sicker. I find it is SO much easier to focus on the shortcomings of another bc it is difficult to take a hard look at my stuff. The truth I have discovered is that when I turn the AH over to my HP and begin working the steps with a sponsor for me I have a chance of recovering. It is a one day at a time deal.
It's good you're back...for you and for us...we are in this together and you have great support and experiences in recovery. Denial isn't something only the enabler suffers from...the alcoholic uses it with every sip, gulp, bottle and or can. I used it and didn't know I was using it and when I was told I was using it I denied it. LOL.
I didn't want to be alcoholic myself...that's a blow to the ego and the pride both of which are so important to the alcoholic. It might be one reason why he won't go back into the rooms of AA. Shame, guilt, denial, pride, ego...cunning, powerful and baffling and so he's still on the merry-go-round with three mistresses in the refrigerator talking to his mind thru the refer door. Baffling, Powerful, Cunning over and over again.
You have learned so much in recovery and ke it all for you because that is why you got it in the first place. As Tom reminds often..."He's going to drink...what are you going to do?"
I read your post and I see a Chineese proverb about alcoholism being acted out..."First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man." Back to step one..."Admitted we were powerless over alcoholism and that our lives had become unmanagable" Time to garage sale your will and use your Higher Power's. There is no cure for alcoholism.
I'm cross talking, .. yikes .. sorry ahead of time ..
Tommy, .. I LOVE this and I'm going to write it in my journal and tape it to the fridge!!
"It is "take off the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror" For me focusing on someone else's disease makes me sicker."
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks so much for your replies. It means so much just to know somebody is listening. Posting here is like connecting with an old, dear friend- no matter how long it's been since we last talked, we can take up right where we left off! I so appreciate each of you taking the time to reply. I know that everyone here is facing their own set of demons. It's very heartening to know that you take time to listen to me in spite of all the turmoil you are facing in your own life. Jerry, you were a God-send to me in the past, so nice to hear from you again. I know I'll be ok, my HP said so, and he doesn't make mistakes! Sometimes I just need to hear from those who have fought the same battle. Mostly I think I just need to know someone cares, and I ALWAYS get that when I come here. God bless you all.
Denise
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Your awareness is awesome and it sounds like you have an armory of tools. I hope you are able to make it to meetings. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
Reading what you wrote...just 12 days ago...makes me wonder if there is something in the air. I'm so sorry that we are both in this same place together and yet, maybe just like our AH should turn and find strength in this time together to battle their demons, maybe it's our chance to turn and find strength in each other to support them both through these times.
I'm excited that my AH and I have started down this path, even if it's looming with the word "again," it's better than where we were a couple nights ago. I'm not looking forward to these lapses in time and moments of denial. However, I know your AH, just like mine the other night, is never out to intentionally hurt you. And that is the only clarity I have found. I know that in that moment, I don't know this stranger in my house no matter how many times he comes around. It helps me not to be mad or take it personally when he is saying such mean things or is even blowing smoke.
Two years ago, almost to the day...my AH convinced me that he didn't have a problem and wasn't really an alcoholic either.
Thank you for introducing me to this forum and for being my encouragement.
