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So, my other half came back home after rehab at the end of May. Most of our relationship was heart breaking because of his hidden addictions. Since August he has not really worked and has been going back to some familiar issues. He began spending entire days out of the home with lies about what he is doing. He ended up spending time with his addict uncle who he noted in rehab as a trigger and to stay away. The lies got worse and worse and it didn't take much for my anxiety level to be back at the 3 years of hell level. He has been lying so much these last few weeks and doing who knows what as he spends all day up to about 8PM in town. Today a new limit was set - he left sometime while I was sleepiing let us give some benefit and say 4 or 5 AM. He said he was going to meet a friend in town for a run and would call me when he was done or after his 9:30 AM meeting. I went crazy - he has cheated in the past. I was hyperventalating. Especially after several weeks of not knowing what he was doing. Plus he has been smoking and has not been exercising and all of sudden leaves a note meeting a friend. Wouldn't most people talk to their other half or leave a name??? Why would it just say friend?? Here is the best - once again no contact and it is after 8:30 PM. He has been gone for like 16 hours with no contact and knows how his recent behavior has impacted me. Right now I just want to not let him back in. I am hurting so bad. Is this normal behavior???
(((denise))) Denise, I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're not alone. Most of us here have been/or are where you're at right now. You asked if this is normal behavior. From my experience, unfortunately, it is normal for an addict. The only ESH I have to offer is try to take the focus off him and put it back on you. I know that's easier said than done. But he's going to do what he's going to do, and you worrying and going crazy doesn't help you or make him change. The three C's come to mind- You didn't CAUSE it (his addiction), you can't CHANGE it, you can't CURE it. My A does some of the same things. It took awhile but eventually I was able to sleep even on those nights he didn't come home. Alanon is a big help. Have you attended any meetings? If you can't get to a face to face meeting, there are meetings online at this site. There is also a lot of wisdom and knowledge shared here on this board. I'm sure others will have more to add. Please take care of yourself .
I am new here downdenise. From what I can tell, for an addict, this is what they usually do. I am sorry you are hurting so bad and from what I can tell too, for those of us with addicts (now or past), that is also what happens usually. I am not sure what to say to make it better right now, but if you read and read and talk and read you will find some comfort here, and maybe even learn something along the way.
Denise, God is in control and you/we are not and right now I am praying the Serenity Prayer for you and for me. God please grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, and the courage to change the things that we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Also, the Al Anon slogans are very helpful as well. Like, Let Go and Let God, Live and Let Live, and Detach With Love. We have to let go. We really are powerless over anyone else but ourselves. God is the only one who has power over people, but even with that the person must decide for him or herself that they want to change. Live your own life. What is it that will make you happy, peaceful, joyful, relaxed, etc.? The addicts in our lives can't do that for us, we have to do that for ourselves. I agree with a previous post, put the focus on yourself. You have to work on your own healing. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have peace. Not turmoil and fear and anxiety. Live and let others live however they choose to live (even if they choose to use substances). That's their business. Not yours. And detach emotionally from the situation. Back off some mentally. Put some distance between you and the circumstances emotionally. Decide not to react. Make a conscious decision to stand back from it some (in your heart and in your mind even if you can't actually remove yourself physically). Detach by disconnecting your reactions from his actions. Decide that whatever time he shows up is on him. Not you. You can take control of your reactions easier if you detach some. I am praying for you. God cares and so do we in Al Anon.
downdenise, I know what you are saying. My AH is still active in his addiction and he has cheated multiple times. I am choosing to stay for now because that is my choice for what I need to do in my life.
But, there are moments when I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest--moments when I want to scream and rant and track down AH and do all of the crazy things I did before I began my recovery. When my AH has unaccounted for time, those gaps in time that just don't make sense, I never know if it is affair or addiction behavior (or both). What I do know is that I have to take care of me.
So, when I have those urges to hunt AH down and begin my crazies, I give myself permission to be insane. I mentally tell myself that I absolutely can shift all my focus to my AH and his actions and fill my life with insanity again. OR, I can play a board game with my kids, or read to them, or swing on the swings with them. Then, I ask myself which will make me feel better about myself: chasing down a lying, cheating addict or doing something wonderful with my children? Because I feel such shame for my crazies before recovery, I usually pick focused time with my kids.
When that doesn't work, and I'll admit sometimes I can't talk myself through the intensity of the pain and anger, I again give myself permission to be insane, but I tell myself I have to call my sponsor before I take any action. And, I know what my sponsor will say.
Is there a F2F meeting you could get to? The people in an Al-Anon room know and will listen.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Thursday 20th of October 2011 10:34:23 PM
There's a big difference between "being crazy" and being in a crazy situation. Addiction doesn't make sense -- the lies, the cheating, the unpredicatable behavior...so if you are feeling nuts...well..who wouldn't?
Focus on YOU. Know that you are having normal reactions to a crazy situation. I like to think about the storm metaphor. You are in a storm of addiction. You can't stop it or control it, but you can take care of yourself while it blows (hahahah -- that has a double meaning).
Keep coming back here, Im fairly new to the board, and have already found it to be of great help.
oh- i meant using as in "using substances" i didnt mean using people or anything. its just that this is what people do when they are addicts. and if you think he is cheating on you too- thats doubley worse.
I want to thank all for just listening and your response really hit home. My kids need me to be strong and there for them. I am not sure if I did the right thing but when he came around at 9 PM I did not let him in. He had stories and even a trip to the hospital and 10 stitches but none of the details he was saying made any sense. I still felt the lies and still the hurt that he could make me feel so horrible and worried again. I am aching so bad today but know I have work and things to do with the kids tonight. I don't believe I can just let him continue to lie and hurt me. He is going to many meetings and I am not 100% certain if he is using again but he is lying and acting the ways he did when using. He said to me that he hasn't done anything to not be allowed in. All I know is he has been lying all the time, spending time with a person he always partied with and while I am working and he is currently out of work he disappears all day and does not get in until late. He is breaking every promise he made to come back home after rehab. I had to kick him out where through my pain and heartbreak he was gone for a year. I prayed and prayed that he would get help. I wish I could attend some meetings as I haven't been to any since I was in High School. It is so hard when I work full time and the kids have fulln schedules. I thank you all for listening and be encouraging. I don't fully grasp everything but I think in the end I have to do what is best for me and the kids. I sometimes want to do what is best for him too as I think kicking him out will only lead him back to using and criminal activity. On the flip side, honesty is vert important to me and faithfulness and I just don't know how I can recover from all the hurt.
I know he has cheated, I know he had a full fledge girlfriend and then oh so many nights he wasn't home that I am not sure how many times or people. It hurts so much and I am trying to recover but it will take time and him to rebuild trust. Sadly he is working the opposite angle and destroying every ounce of it. If I was slowly feeling a little better after he got done with rehab in May, it went away these past 4 weeks. It si sad that I feel so weak by all of this. I know I need to be stronger, I left work early, I got into work late and I have high principals when it comes to work. I can't stop worryign that he is using and possibly cheating again. He never was honest about anything before and I know he has been lying many times now. He has been caught so many times recently in lies. I don't want to feel weak but I do. I don't want to breathe hard and have my chest hurt so much. I do not want to go back to where we were before I finally had the strength to kick him out before rehab. It was so hard. I felt so guilty as at first he stayed outside and in the laundry room. It killed me. I thought I was such a horrible person. My kids were suffering, I was suffering and I was losing my mind. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to focus and keep telling myself he needs help, it is the best thing for him. Now I am confused because I know he is lying but he tells so many stories, I don't know what to believe. In my heart, it is not how a married person should behave. I keep asking myself, I already been lied to for over 3 years constantly, he is still lying all the time, is that what I want? I keep trying to tell myself that I am not happy and I am miserable. I am trying to tell him what his latest behaviors are doing to me. I wish I could find the peace, so many of you sound like your heads are strong. I admire it and wish I could find that..... THANK YOU
And I left him a note this morning going through my emotions and his behaviors this last month. He tells me I have no right to ask him to stay out but I believe the horrible things I have been going through is enough. Everyone has different breaking points but I believe the constant lying and breaking of promises and the worry and anxiety he is putting me through is enough. But I feel so guilty. But lately I have also felt so much hatred. It is like a double edge sword. It is like I am having a conflict with myself - part of me is saying he is not good for you and the kids and the other part is showing the concern and love for him. At this point I don't think a note will do much. I can place bet that he will come around and give me the most sincere apology but is it sincere when the lies and questionable behaviors follow it........ I wish I could just wipe all these thoughts from my mind......................................
The breakup that got me started in Al-Anon occurred when some guy brought her home at 5 am. If the relapse had just been drugs and alcolhol that would of been one thing but add cheating .... it was a real boundry I was simply not gonna cross.
Wow, this situation is really spiralling out of control. I typed a response that was many paragraphs long about how it seemed you were already at the conclusion that he was not good for you, but there is not a whole lot I can say or than anyone else can say that will "make" you do anything your aren't ready for....Same as there is NOTHING you can do to change your boyfriend from cheating, lying, using, and not working.
It shocks me that you are calling him "your other half" because I would not want to have a part of me treat another part of me like total crap. A healthy relationship is not 2 halves making a whole, it is 2 wholes making a couple. Nobody completes you....you are complete on your own just as God made you. So....while I am trying to tell you not to be codependent, the codependent in me wants to reach out and shake you and tell you that you definitely ought to value yourself more and can do WAY WAY WAY better on your own at the moment. The codependent in me wants to tell you that you are working triple time to be a great mom while at the same time showing your kids that you alllow yourself to be devalued, disrespected, and that you don't deserve love. The codependent in me want to tell you that you deserve love....self love especially cuz you are spending all day worrying about someone that is abusing you and doesn't care.
I keep calling it "the codependent in me" because these are my natural reactions, but I recognize i cannot change you or make you see the level of insanity you are in and that you are putting up with until you are ready. I cannot fix you any more than you can fix your boyfriend.
Mark
P.S. guys - I don't advocate leaving your AH or AW or whatever in all cases....Sometimes support is the answer...sometimes detachment.....a little of both...it's complicated....but sometimes....a situation is highly toxic and there is not much good to read in it.
And Denise, you are not a bad person for caring and for wanting so bad to help your boyfriend and for him to change. You are a good person wasting trying to control an uncontrollable situation and trying to change the impossible. Everyone here has made that mistake before....hence, the reason we are here....
This is very helpful to me because I need a way to just let go of some of my emotions - my emotions are so raw that as I read all of your responses and respond my eyes fill with tears and I am ready to just breaksown and cry. I know I can't go through this again, I knew before I was on a mental break, everythig was spiraling. I was always wondering if he would come or home, if he was alive........... I prayed that things would get better that with rehab and meetings he would see the pain he has caused and do everything to reassure me that all would be OK. I don't want another holiday season to go by where I am hurting and so sad inside - my kids can see through me. I know I never healed from all the previous acts that caused so much pain so any shadow that things are going back to those days tears me down and makes me wonder why............. I know there is something about me..... it seems in every relationship I have been in there has been these sort of issues. I come from a home with an alcoholic father. I pray and pray to have a somewhat normal, loving, trusting relationship and at this point maybe I can only find it with God. So hard to stop the tears
Denise, you are not alone. Alanon can help you, the face to face meetings, the steps, working with a sponsor... When you start to work on you, your stories will have more to do with you than him. When people used to ask me how I was, I would describe how my qualifier was. That has changed. Now I share how I am working things to better myself. You can too... Let Go and let God. You cannot make him better, none of us can. He is going to do his thing, what will you do? HUGS in loving support, keep coming ;)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I am trying to be strong and do what is best for me and my kids but it is so hard. It seems he had no issues with going back to the laundry room outside the apartment and sleeping in there, nothing about stories of how his behavior continues to be destructive. Next day he left early as I passed him for work and he spent the day with Uncle again. Normally this would be fine but his uncle has been an addict and a codependent and a trigger for him. He even noted on his rehab papers that he had to stay away from him. He came back up this direction around 9 PM. I told him he could sleep on the couch but he would need to find a place. He seemed not to care and as soon as I brought up my hurt and his bad choices he choose to sleep in laundry room again. He did make a point to tell me at the end of the day I know I am wrong. That is nice that you realize you are wrong but he doesn't seem to realize what it does to me. It makes me feel so small and makes me go crazy and hurts so bad that he has no concern that he is putting me through this again. Next morning he comes back right before the kids and were leaving and he asks if he can take a shower I said we are leaving, why don't you shower wherever you have spent the last month - while he leaves early each day and does not come back to close to bed time. He got mad and left slamming the door. We passed him and I shouldn't had said anything but I stopped and said don't you see what you are doing? He has asked the night before if we could do something today and I couldn't because that is like acting like everything is OK and I know when I am back to the office, he is back running around doing who knows what??????? He said then he will do something because he is not sitting around all day. I knew that meant back to his Uncle's. So when I stopped the car, he asked if he could come with us but I already knew his plans and I really didn't want to spend the time fighting at the game. There are nice families there where I see husbands and wives together and they seem happy. It makes me happy for them and sad for me. And like the past he wants to act like everything is OK. You are lying to me all the time, you are breaking your promises, you are doing nothing to help yourself and everything to jeopardize your sobriety. I sort of think he already has based on his behaviors and need to leave the home every day. He says he can't sit here every day and just do nothing. But he can go to his Uncle's house or wherever and just sit all day???? I thought he would come back and at least be like well at least I am coming home but he didn't. I am sure he is either at his Uncle's or brothers. The hard part with me is that he shows no concern of losing me. We have together over 3 years of a mess and since I learned of his issues I have always done everything for him to get help. Maybe he will call today or just show up but I need to remember that he still has been making these choices, he has still been carefree and acting like he doesn't have a family to think of. For those who are married, am I wrong - to think the AH when out of work shouldn't head down to town and spend all day and night in town???? While he was lying, he would say I just went down to walk.............. He knows way to many wrong people and besides he has really been spending a great amount of time with his Uncle. I couldn't ever imagine spending a full day without money in town........ Yet along going on a month of that....... Anyway I am trying to keep telling myself it is for the best because he is acting like the addict again and he still is always lying. But it is SO hard and hurts so much. But what he has done to me also hurts so terribly much. And can one really have a successful relationship with no trust?????
Welcome to the MIP boards. I can hear how much pain and confusion you are in. Face to face meetings really help a LOT. I hope you will consider going. It's the hardest step that first meeting to a beautiful start to a journey of healing. It's not always easy and sometimes painful the light that is on the other side is so worth risks.
Something that helped me in dealing with my AH was being able to see that his behavior he wasn't doing it "to me" yes it hurt, it only hurts worse if I take it personally. (I heard your gasp of what do you mean not take it personally this is my husband! All I can say is trust me, it's about the fact he suffers from a disease.) After many months almost a year in the rooms of alanon I have been able to see I was not so easy to live with either. I was dealing with an unreasonable situation cold stone sober. Who's behavior wouldn't take a down slide turn. I stopped treating my AH as a person and started treating him as a .. I don't know the right word for it .. however it wasn't necessarily human either. He was a second class citizen in my eyes. That was a huge eye opener for me. I was angry and I had very good reason to be angry, lies, DUI, out all night, no normal person wouldn't be angry about these things. I'm not his judge and jury either. It's not up to me to punish him I've come to understand he punishes himself far more than anything I can do. Plus hearing it from me only intensifies his anger at me, hearing it from someone else lets him have the opportunity to be angry at someone else and he thinks about it far more than it coming from me. I am powerless over alcoholism and my life had become unmanageable.
What I have learned most is sticking to my side of the street (I look at my AH's side of the street and I apply this to ALL people I know, is dark (not bad dark just there's nothing to see here move along now) and it's lit for them, not for me so why go over to the dark side when I have light right here on my side) and allowing my AH to have full impact of his consequences (yes, he has a disease, he still has to be responsible for the consequences) and it's easy to say and hard to do. I stopped asking questions to things I already knew the answers to. I stopped giving him/alcohol the power to bring me down if he was drinking and up if he wasn't. Now my power is mine, I can have a great, good, or bad day without having to have it based upon what my AH does or doesn't do. I am allowed to have a good day even if he is not. I am also allowed to have a bad day even if he is not.
I drove him everywhere for the first 4 months of his suspension, and it stopped when I was ready to let go. It means saying what I mean, meaning what I say, saying it with kindness and compassion. It's been a much more quiet 10 months in our house. I no longer feel the need to yell, at the kids, at the cats (which is going to be the next bad chapter in my book .. lol), at my AH. Yes, I still get angry. I now have different tools to use. I do not have all the answers, I know what I did this time last year was soooo not working for me and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired so I did something about it.
There is hope for me (of course I want that for my AH as well, it's up to him to grab that for himself), and the best thing I did was find a face to face meeting. Forgive my ramblings .. LOL .. I should know better than to type without coffee in the morning and my glasses!!
Hugs keep coming back because you are worth it, and it works if you choose to work the program, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks again and you are right I am so confused. I don't want to accept his latest behaviors as it is like it was when I finally got the strength to tell him to go. At least this time I am stronger right away but it hurts so bad. I try to be a good person. I try to be honest, I have always been faithful, I go to church, I work, pay the bills, take care all the household duties and raise my kids. I try to love. I really thought he realized what he had lost and he was going to do everything to make it better this time around. Now I feel inadequate and why aren't I enough..... I don't know. I was very depressed when things got crazy with him staying out all night, lying and cheating. When he went to rehab and I was deciding to give him another chance, I had so much anxiety that I literally broke down and cried to my male gyno. I haven't been treated for the depression but I know I am there and I am so trying to fight it. I have been on meds many years ago and just enjoyed life better without them. Since all of his craziness I haven't enjoyed life much. I try to stay positive and direct my attention to my kids but sometimes it is hard to fake it. It is nice to vent hear and I have read so many stories that I can relate to. It is so sad that so many have to suffer because of the one they fell in love with or the family they are in........
So, my other half came back home after rehab at the end of May. Most of our relationship was heart breaking because of his hidden addictions. Since August he has not really worked and has been going back to some familiar issues. He began spending entire days out of the home with lies about what he is doing. He ended up spending time with his addict uncle who he noted in rehab as a trigger and to stay away. The lies got worse and worse and it didn't take much for my anxiety level to be back at the 3 years of hell level. He has been lying so much these last few weeks and doing who knows what as he spends all day up to about 8PM in town. Today a new limit was set - he left sometime while I was sleepiing let us give some benefit and say 4 or 5 AM. He said he was going to meet a friend in town for a run and would call me when he was done or after his 9:30 AM meeting. I went crazy - he has cheated in the past. I was hyperventalating. Especially after several weeks of not knowing what he was doing. Plus he has been smoking and has not been exercising and all of sudden leaves a note meeting a friend. Wouldn't most people talk to their other half or leave a name??? Why would it just say friend?? Here is the best - once again no contact and it is after 8:30 PM. He has been gone for like 16 hours with no contact and knows how his recent behavior has impacted me. Right now I just want to not let him back in. I am hurting so bad. Is this normal behavior???