The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know I should be writing a gratitude list. But, sometimes I have to vent off the anti-gratitude to make room for the gratitude.
What I hate:
I hate when my anger and pain crashes over me like a wave and brings me to my knees.
I hate when I need to hide in the bathroom and cry until the moment passes.
I hate that I let my frustrations get in the way of a good day.
I hate when my frustrations, pain and anger boil over and ooze all over my world.
I hate that I never get to go back to blissful denial and ignornace. Once I know something, I can't un-know it.
I hate that I can't un-know that my AH is an alcoholic.
I hate when I feel I need to prove my AH wrong, to point out his lies, to tell him what he did and how much he hurt me.
I hate that my AH appears to have no recognition of the pain he has caused. He says he has done nothing wrong.
I hate that my AH lies to me and I have no idea what to do about the lies.
I hate that Al-Anon says I need to focus on me when all I want to do is scream at my AH and take his inventory for him.
I hate that recovery is such a painfully hard process.
I hate that I don't have a husband who is normal.
I hate feeling ignored and unseen.
I hate that I am turning my will and my life over to the care of my HP. I know I feel better when I do, but sometimes I just want to grab it all back and do it myself.
I hate being patient.
I hate not knowing what tomorrow will bring.
I hate that to know joy I also have to know pain: a full range of emotions is opening up to me.
I am thankful I got to experience an incredibly peaceful moment this morning. It was the calm before the crashing wave of anger hit.
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I hear you and could have posted that message after a few months in alanon.
I now understand how very important it is to own these feelings (that I use to deny) verbalize them to appropriate people and then slowly learn how to respond differently . These anti gratitude lists served well in developing my fourth step inventory.
I always ended, as you did with some gratitude becasue I knew I was fianlly moving in the right direction after so many years of standing still in denial,
Thanks for Sharing Your Anti-Gratitude list, It Proves Once more that You Are Human and have Human Feelings, and Actions, and I Can So Relate to so much you said, and sometimes on a Daily basis...
This Disease is just like they state, Cunning... And tho I don't Like it, I am Surrounded since Birth to this Disease... And Owning My "Here & Now" Feelings wether Good or Bad as a Far Cry from were I started almost 3 years ago, when I didn't believe that My Feelings for Justifide because that is what I was Taught All my LIfe... I Can Now see that I Need to Own them All ... And I Found I Have Healed Alot From Doing so...
Keep Coming Back =) Cause it Does Work if ya Work it... And your Doing Well ...
I am grateful for your anti-gratitude list, because the title cracks me up!
Also, thinking about 'anti-gratitudes' get me in touch with things that are bothering me deep down, but I might not be aware of yet. And with awareness, comes action. [ Or maybe shoving the bugger back down again ;) ]
Letting go of the obsession of someone elses life is damn hard work , unfortunatley when we hang on to what we cannot control we loose ourselves in the process. You can control the things you have listed here its all in the attitude . some days reality truly does suck but when living in reality there are no suprises we now have a choice accept it as it is or not. Lower your expectations of the people around you and you will have a much calmer life we are far more affective when we are calm , your husb is not drinking at you he drinks because he feels he has to and until he says what he's doing is causing him a problem , IT Isn't its causing you a problem . It is possible to get happy regardless of what hes doing *I didnt believe that when I got here* but luckily I stayed long enough to believe it . Did I want a normal relationship YES but it was not an option at the time so I made a life for myself inside my marriage . We have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home now and all I had to do was step aside so God could get at him . Keep commin back . Louise
lol thanks VVT! Reminds me of the 12-steps of non-recovery ...
1) We admitted we were powerless over nothing, that we could manage our lives perfectly and those of anyone else who would allow us to.
2) Came to believe there was no power greater than ourselves and the rest of the world was insane.
3) Made a decision to have our loved ones and friends turn their will and their lives over to our care, even though they couldn't understand us.
4) Made a searching moral and immoral inventory of everyone we knew.
5) Admitted to the whole world the exact nature of everyone else's wrongs.
6) Were entirely ready to make the others straighten up and fly right.
7) Demanded others to either shape up or ship out.
8) Made a list of all persons who had harmed us and became willing to go to any length to get even with them all.
9) Got direct revenge on such people whenever possible, except when to do so would cost us our lives, or at the very least, a jail sentence.
10) Continued to take the inventory of others, and when they were wrong promptly and repeatedly told them about it.
11) Sought through complaining and nagging to improve our relations with others, as we couldn't understand them, asking only that they knuckle under and do it our way.
12) Having had a complete physical, emotional and spiritual breakdown as a result of these steps, we tried to blame it on others and to get sympathy and pity in all our affairs.
If this is what most of you felt after a few months here.. then I must be on teh right path cos I hve been here a few months and this is what I feel like..... Good to know it is 'normal'
Wow, thanks everyone for sharing that you have been there, too.
I find that sometimes I get wrapped up in being "perfect" in Al-Anon and if I'm perfect, I don't allow myself to get angry at myself and my recovery. The reality is that sometimes I do get angry at the Steps. Sometimes I get angry when I see Al-Anon working in my life. How dare something so simple work so well in making me feel better and why the hell did someone not tell me about it before? (I know. No need to answer. I know I wasn't ready to hear what I needed to hear until I was ready to hear it.) Sometimes I get angry that I am living my life and not someone else's life. Sometimes I get angry that I have to recover from alcoholism even though I am not an alcoholic.
I've lived those 12-Steps of Non-Recovery and look where it got me. Now, its time to get back on track and live the 12-Steps of Recovery.
Thanks everyone for reminding me that I'm not alone and that things do get better.
-- Edited by Very Very Tired on Thursday 20th of October 2011 10:12:54 PM
"I hate that I never get to go back to blissful denial and ignornace. Once I know something, I can't un-know it."
Being an adult child, now THAT is one I can certainly relate to. Having that veneer of denial shattered and having to acknowledge my dysfunctional childhood has brought all sorts of side-effects.
Thanks for such naked self-honesty and the stark reminder that recovery is HARD. It sucks that we have to put in such an effort, for such a long time, to work on changing ourselves instead of trying to change everybody else.
Some days it feels like it's just not fair.
BUT.........
It beats going on living in my sickness, so I guess I'll just KEEP COMING BACK.
