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Hi all, not looking for advice so much as I'm just looking to vent. First, please understand that I know the seriousness of this situation.
A week ago today, my wife got falling down drunk while our kids were at preschool. She somehow managed to drive the 5 miles from our home to the school to pick up the kids after school. By the grace of our higher power, a good friend of ours whose kids also go to the same school, and who knows about my wife's drinking problem, was there and saw the condition my wife was in. She took over, refusing to allow my wife to drive, taking the kids to another friends' house, and calling me. It was truly a gift from above.
While she is remorseful since this most recent incident, my wife's addiction is clearly still in control. She has not drank since this happened, but she's not being completely honest and manipulating others so that she can avoid going to rehab. She made an appt with her psychiatrist almost immediately after this happened, and came back to tell me that her psych told her she does not need to go to rehab. I know for certain that no mental health professional in the world would tell my wife that she definitively does not need rehab if they were told the story exactly as it played out. She had an appt with her therapist today, and I talked to him after the appt (he is my therapist as well and I had a phone appt scheduled with him). I told him what happened and without breaching patient confidentiality, he shared with me that my wife did not tell him everything that I told him.
Her mom is coming on Saturday. In the meantime, I have researched ignition interlock breathalyzer systems which will not let her operate her car if she fails the breathalyzer. I intend to discuss this with her tonight and tell her that I will be having one installed on her car. We have a joint appt with our therapist on Tuesday of next week--I am almost certain that my wife will cancel. The therapist said if she does, he will have no choice but to tell her he cannot see her anymore.
I am praying a lot, focusing on myself and trying to be understanding while also making sure as best as I can that the kids are safe. The interlock system for the car is a must at this point, I don't see any other option. It would seem that rehab is a must as well, but I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of "forcing" her to go.
I am so thankful for this program, I have no idea where I would be right now if it weren't for Al Anon. Thanks for letting me share...
Just sending support .. you gotta strong program going on.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this problem. A series of events over the past couple of weeks has made me see that I need to take over all transportation for our children. I can no longer trust my AH to make sane, rational decisions about our children's safety.
I am in the fortunate situation that I handle most of the driving already. It won't be easy, but the safety of our children comes first--it's what I think about most when I hear "First Things First."
It isn't easy. And you're not alone: others are also making these difficult choices.
I'm so sorry, usedtobe. What a wonderful gift that your friend saw the situation and intervened appropriately.
My question is: what would you choose to do if you knew her drinking was not going to stop? How would you choose to handle the kids' pick-up and schedules and so forth? That would be the most pressing question for me.
I yearned for my ex-AH to go into rehab for years. Finally he did. He was back drinking within months. And he went into rehab willingly. It was court-orderd, but he said he had a revelation and he realized he was an alcoholic and he was determined to beat it, and so on. But then the relapses started. It is more than ten years later and he is still drinking. So rehab is not a cure-all, even for those who go in willingly. I say this not to be depressing, but to say that getting alternate arrangements for the driving in place would be one of my top priorities. I hope you are able to get to meetings? This is getting intense and a sponsor might help you to find your way through this with less stress. Keep on taking good care of yourself and your kids.
I guess arranging another ride for the kids is a great idea, and setting the boundaries to protect you and the kids. In loving support, take care of you
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I just wanted to send you love and support during this difficult time. Alanon has been a life saver for me too. I often have said I just don't know where I would be if it wasnt for the program.
Alcohol is only a symptom of a much deeper issue .. I read this not too long ago .. not the cause of every irrational thought and behavior ... yet in this case it sure makes things Much more difficult .. Your higher power was quick to instill in you the idea to install a breathalizer .. This is not controlling .. it's setting Healthy and safe boundaries .. Our meeting today was on the topic of Concept 5 .. it spoke of ensuring the voice of minorities be heard .. the kids can't speak for themselves at this point; they lack the authority .. but you are speaking and taking action not only on your behalf but on theirs .. There was a reading on exercising authority .. the time to do it and it mentioned when one is in Err .. your wife's judgments were warped by her drinking .. her vision clouded and thoughts distorted .. you on the other hand showed clearer thinking by changing what you can .. The kids are so fortunate to have you ..
the sad thing is as much as we'd love to beat our spouses sometimes for their irrational behavior, they are sick .. literally in their thinking & impaired judgments .. As much as we are powerless to control change cure their drinking .. They are Too .. so we would be beating them for something they are powerless over .. at the same time .. the big AA book reads .. do we continue to allow our partners to abuse us when there lies before them a path to choose .. the hardest thing to accept is whether or not the drinker is ready and willing to change .. (this is where I'm at myself) the higher power you spoke of with the neighbor however was Also Her higher power .. he didn't do that just for the kids .. he loves her so much he Knew what she would suffer Even more inside herself had she of done what she nearly had by picking them up and driving .. it's a Great reminder that the alcoholics in our lives have their own higher power ..
Just want you to know you have so many here in your corner .. hoping you get to offline meetings .. I'm just now dealing with my x in child visitation and boy it's a tough one .. lots of crazy thinking surrounding me these days .. in fact, i'm off to a face to face meeting .. hang in there and keep coming and sharing .. So glad your kids are safe and that they have a level headed father who IS available to them .. so often we turn to those who aren't ..
Rehab is great. But it really is just a chance to dry out for a short time and get an 'introduction' to recovery. If she has any desire to stop drinking, she doens't have to wait. She could start attending A.A. meetings and begin recovery right away.
As part of your Al-Anon program you might also want to pick up the A.A. Big Book and read it. I'd use a meeting schedule as a bookmark.
