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Ive writen many posts writing about the dilemma I have with my family (mom, etc). Well, I have a pretty big one with my MIL AHs mom.
Here's the story: MIL was an RA having been sober 22 years until this July. She relapsed, twice, buckling from the pressure of seeing her sons (my AH) descent from alcoholism.
MIL and I have always been very close. I confided to her a lot when I noticed my AH succumbing to his illness. I was in many ways closer to her than my own mom. Having been there herself, she spent months trying to talk to AH and convince him to stop drinking before things got worse. Unfortunately but not surprisingly, it didnt work. I genuinely love her and really valued my relationship with her.
The problem is this: she was our 2 year old sons babysitter. That was until summer, when I came home to find her passed out drunk, while AH was in the other room shaking from withdrawal. My son was in a bed with her, full of Cheerio crumbs, jumping up and down with no supervision. He could have easily gotten very hurt. He was being totally neglected.
I didnt know yet she had drank. I thought she suffered a nervous breakdown. Later that day MILs boyfriend called me to say that she wont be able to babysit for some time. To quote him you will need to make other arrangements. As if it's so easy. I live in NYC where finding good childcare is a long, long process. You cant just find someone at the drop of a hat. But by the grace of my HP, I saw an ad in our building basement a few days earlier. There was a woman who had worked in my building for another family. The family left town, and she was looking for work. I called her the next day. In short, shes been with us since and is a godsend. My son loves her and is thrives with her.
Fast forward one month from MILs first slip. After vowing never to drink and going to AA again, she and AH went on a 3 day bender in August. She landed in detox and he in rehab.
MIL, who is sober now, thinks she still has a job with me. She thinks that the arrangement with the current babysitter is temporary, and come the New Year, I will bring her back. I love MIL, but putting my child in her care, in my opinion, is insane. What I saw was too horrifying. I thank my HP that nothing happened to him in the hours he was being neglected that day. What is more, my current babysitter is wonderful. She is kind, sweet, dependable and my son loves her.
I am not looking forward to the day MIL asks me when she can come back. She has already alluded to it. But I cant. That was a boundary that was crossed by a mile, not an inch. I know the relationship with her may suffer, but Im not going to endanger my son (and lose my peace of mind) for that.
Im trying to script the inevitable conversation. So Im thinking of saying, when the day comes: MIL, you know I love you. But I have to put my son first. I simply am not comfortable with leaving him with you while you are in the early stages of recovery. I hope you understand that Im not doing this as retribution. I just know my own limits and have to respect them. It is so much easier to write this than have to say it to her. Uggghh. Thanks for letting me share.
Thank you for sharing - what a difficult thing! I am a mother too and I absolutely understand why you would feel that way. Would it be possible to consider, maybe not focusing on why you don't want her to do it, but instead focus on how well your son is flourishing with the new babysitter. I don't know that you have to put yourself through all of that unless she specifically asks you why. Again - you like your current arrangement and you want it to continue. Do you owe her an explanation? I dunno. Just a thought.
Hi AMills - thanks for the input. Yes, I've thought of putting that spin on it. I honestly believe that the current babysitter is better for him, even if MIL hadn't drank. I really don't think MIL is up to caring for a rambunctious child. But MIL will deny it. The last thing she said on the topic was "It'll be better for him if I come back." (Well, I beg to differ). Compounding the problem is she may be relying on the income I gave her for babysitting. However, she should have thought about that before drinking while a baby was under her care. I agree, I don't necessarily owe her an explanation. I mean, she left me high and dry. Had I not found the new babysitter, I'd be in a real bind. Maybe I will just say "he's doing really, really well with her and I don't want to confuse him." I'm sooo hoping she doesn't ask and will just "get it" if I don't bring it up.
yah, I would try and put a positive spin on it like "I just want you to be grandma and my MIL" "Everyone has a lot to deal with and we can support each other best if we don't confuse our roles."
I am so glad you are protecting your son. What a scary thing!
Sometimes people in denial like to control us by threatening to become offended or angry. I don't think any sane person would think it would be wise to put your son in the care of an alcoholic unless that alcoholic had a long, long track record of clear recovery. Especially not after having had that incident happen to them with that very alcoholic! If she thinks differently, she is in denial about the severity and the effects of her relapse. She may well try to manipulate you into softening the impact of her lapse. She may try to say it was nothing, anyway things are different now, she's totally in recovery now, it's all under control, you'd be a fool to make a big thing of it, etc. Boy, do I know those excuses from my own AH.
But that kind of minimizing would just demonstrate that her recovery hasn't progressed much yet. It would just confirm how right you are to find other care for your son. If she were really understanding her alcoholism and recovery, she wouldn't pressure you and wouldn't minimize the incident.
I think a lot of times they depend on the fact that we tend to be people who want to avoid confrontation and anger. They use that threat to get their version of "reality" on the record.
But the way I see it, if you minimize the incident as she might like you too, you hinder her recovery. That would be enabling. I remember the Al-Anon saying, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." So I think I would vote for kind honesty in your response. Thank goodness nothing worse happened when she was in charge of your son.
