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So I have not been travelling real well lately. Gave in and had the heart to heart with my husband this morning.
Basically he has laid down the law as I see it and has allowed me the choice to be part of it or not. He is going to increase his camping and fishing and hunting activities, and he is not going to reduce his smoking to what it was before we were married (so stop asking me to basically), he says he can't reduce to what he was smoking before, he apparenlty couldn't handle to be smoking as little as he was before we were married. (I don't really know what that means).
I did some googeling and some reading.... I found a sight about abandonment issues and fear of abandonment and it seemed to explain me to a 'T'.
My husband said to me that he doesn't know why he is with me. that hurt. He likes to go camping and fishing and hunting and smoking dope. He says that is why he moved to Darwin from Alice Springs to do those things and he feels he hasn't been doing enough of it. so if I don't like it, theres the door basically.
So again, I am in the threat of being abandoned. There is always something more important than me in every body's life.
I just need to feel loved thats all. I feel like all those things he wants to do are put 'before' me. They are more important than me. He actually said he is sick of pussyfooting around my emotions.
so there.... my part in it is..... everything...... again, I feel like my childhood issues are coming back to haunt me.
Perhaps this post is best on the ACoA board........
Is abandonment issues a big thing for most people here?????
I stayed in an alcoholic marriage for 10 years. She was emotionally abusive to my kids from my previous marriage and emotionally abusive to me.
I put up with it because I didn't want to face up to another failed marriage and because I was afraid of being alone. I coped with the situation by drinking too.
When the drinking issue finally came to a showdown she said she was sorry I couldn't drink anymore but it had nothing to do with her and took a full time bartending job to 'prove' her point.
Hurt alot but spending a year beginning recovery by myself was good for me and my life is bettern now.
Aloha Linda...I guess you can name part of it abondonment and yet for me the biggest part was the lack of affirmation from the person(s) I loved. I didn't matter to them as much as _____, _____, _____, (fill in the blanks). I was the enabler/codependent they were not. They wanted what they wanted when they wanted it and as much as they wanted of it and whatever I chose to do without them was (to some extent) okay with them...of course until they needed me for something and then all hell would break loose if I responded in kind.
Today I don't do selfish, self centered people well or at all. Choose that behavior with me and you won't find me in your group of hangers on.
Doesn't sound like he's got a whole lot of time left over for you and if he does what are you expected to contribute? Doesn't read like a mutual relationship. Selfish people are just...well...selfish. Yeah that's it!! and how do you live with a selfish person? poorly and feeling abandoned.
You are loved at MIP but I know he ain't a part of that...In support (((((hugs)))))
This is the reality that is so hard for us all isn't it Linda.
That the person we love has other priorities.
My sober husband for 30 years after drinking for 20, still does his own thing.... sport, volunteering, etc.
In the early days when one can have intimate cuddles or wonderful heart to heart talks we can all have golden moments even when they are drinking/on drugs.
I went around in a cycle of belief and dispair for many, many years
If one has children one can be trapped.
I have discovered that if one stays in the relationship it still takes a long time to accept that his personality will not change.
The drinking may be halted or slowed as the drinker gets into trouble, be it at work, by law, etc . But the addiction will still be part of him.
There are many hours of lonliness but the only way I cope with that is by being as busy as I can with people who like my company.
I would wager that most of us partners of addicts have issues with abandonment. The way I see it, it's not that we have fewer problems with the relationship than our addict. It's not as if we say, "I'm so happy the way things are going" and they say, "Well, I'm not, so I don't care much about how you feel, so adapt or else." We're just as unhappy with the way things have turned out -- with how the relationship is given over to addiction, and we don't get our needs met, and we give out of proportion with how much they're giving. It's just that our internal issues mean that we want to stay in the relationship despite everything. Sometimes we hope it will get better, and sometimes even a bad relationship seems better than the abyss of feelings we could be facing if we left.
I've had two relationships with big-time addicts. In one, I hung on way past the time most people would have, but when I finally figured out things weren't going to get better, I left. I was afraid of how I'd feel, but actually I felt free and happy as soon as it was over.
With the other, I practically had claw marks on the floor, it was so hard to get me out of that relationship. He kept distancing and being uncaring and telling me outright that he didn't want to be with me, and lying and all kinds of painful behavior, and still I was determined to be with him. Finally he practically threw me out the door, and it hurt like heck for a long, long, long time. Well, it still hurts like heck.
I felt a little bit better when I read a book that talks about the two ways people can be damaged by poor parenting, and end up as Distancers or as Pursuers. (There's also a third healthy way people can end up.) Wouldn't you know it, the Pursuers usually end up with the Distancers. For Pursuers like me, being "abandoned" feels like we're one year old and our mother left us by the side of the road and we're going to die. The only thing is that we're not one year old and we can get up off the side of the road and take care of ourselves. It helps me a little bit to realize that this feeling is implanted in me by nature so that at the age of one I'll stay close to my mother. It's a mistake that I'm feeling it now -- it's not really about my A, it's about that old feeling.
It sounds like your guy is a Distancer too. Smoking weed and drinking are good for distancing because they make a person feel numb and removed. Then the more they distance, the more we pursue ... Boy have I been there done that.
I know how strong these emotions can be. Take good care of yourself.
The book CoDependent No More talks about abandonment issues and I know I have them big time and I like how Mattie describes them because that's exactly what it is for me, in some ways though we pick these people who distance themselves because it serves a purpose of not having to get close to someone and be really hurt. It's no accident we are in the relationships we are in, it's only when we work on our own recovery that things can start to make sense to us. It totally goes back to the control issues of having to "make" someone understand what they are doing is hurting me/us. There is no control, there is no safety, it's why healing ourselves is so important and being able to meet our own needs is so very important and why the alanon program works.
Hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
This is appropriate to post here. It's a relationship issue you are presenting and you are talking about how you are affected by someone's drug use. I do see it as pertinent.
There are a couple of sides to what you are presenting. 1. I don't think he's putting all those other things before you. Those are things he likes to do and he's putting himself before you. You should always look after number 1 first. 2. Having said that, you are dealing with a self-centered addict and the degree to which an addict will put themselves first is absurd.
I suspect that you could change a little to do you own thing and be more accepting, but I also suspect he could do A LOT more to be more sensitive to you, more considerate and more reassuring. A marriage is a compromise.
How does someone go from saying wedding vows of "I promise to honor you" to then saying "I'm tired of your feelings?" Selfishness is how.
I agree that I don't think he is putting all those other things before you... Im sure if the smoking pot wasn't an issue he would even love to bring you along for some of those things.. (who knows if you'd want to go ha ha) I think that we tend to smother our A sometimes in order to know what's going on, what they are doin, when and where, ect ect... All in attempts to control it.. I'm guessing that's gotta suck for them.. And us as well because in all attempts we CAN'T control it... I'm sure he loves you and just wants to "me time".. I think you should get some "me time" for yourself too!! Maybe both of you would be happier with each other if you can be happy then with yourself?!
Sorry to hear your going through such a rough time. Your post reminds me of my exA's addictions and excuses. His was hunting and fishing. Sometimes fishing meant fishing...and then sometimes it meant "I'm going fishing" (using).....overall the burden was put on me to"Just get on board" and basically support his hobbies. I mean, why not?...couldn't I see he was just a country boy and this is what country boys do? I mean he was just being social, going out having a good time, what's the problem? He's not hurting anyone, he's just doing what is fun and what he loves???? Right? Why couldn't I just be the supportive little lady, enjoy and back him up? I mean, heavens to betsy that we just don't see that!!!!!!!!!!
"he says he can't reduce to what he was smoking before, he apparenlty couldn't handle to be smoking as little as he was before we were married. (I don't really know what that means)."
Addition is progressive as we all know. Eventually, it takes over everything. It's impossible not to take it personally. I would see this saying as it is, it's a push to see how much you will take. He knows what he can do, what he will do, and he will do what he wants regardless until he wants to change, which he doesn't.......what are you going to do about it? I don't know you...but I'm sure you are stronger then you think. Keep doing what your doing. Work the program and don't get discourged. It takes time to decided that it is ok to love ourselves first :)
This is just my opinion but for me Abandonment was self inflicted by me , I compromised my values and morals to stay in my marriage and I have no one to blame but myself , for some reason I didnt think I was good enough to be treated with respect so I got none until I learned here how to stand up for myself and say enough .. setting boundaries changed my life, today I decide how I will be treated . Today I count and I take care of my own needs , we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home ,regardless of what he chooses to do I can be happy our lives have changed so much since we both take responsibility for our own happiness and well being . I am grateful I chose to stay and work this program for myself and grateful my husb chose sobriety . Louise
I had another thought on this. My default mode of thought is to feel victimized -- "I tried so hard, and yet it was out of my control. Despite all my efforts, look what he's doing to me!" And there's some truth in this. But looking at my part in it helped too. The thing that really turned my head around is the saying "My choices, my results." I made the choice to get together with someone who I knew sometimes drank to excess. I made the choice to jump in feet-first before I knew him well enough to know what effect his drinking and other habits had on his ability to be close. I made the choice to ignore other red flags I saw along the way. I made the choice to stay with him after he said, "I don't care what you want." (And proved it.) Really it was my choice all along. Those were my choices. Those were my results. I can see I'm not a victim; my life is just the results of my choices. That made me say "Oh!"
I really honestly feel like I am going insane again. I think most of it is stemming from the fact that he is back on the real pot again. I know that is a major stressor for me.
It must be unrealistic for me to want anyone else to put me first... as pinkchip says, we must put number 1 first and that is always ourselves. I would just love at some point in my life, that I am the B all and end all to 'someone' else. I don't really care who at this point.. haha..
The beginning of any relationship is different to 5 years down the track I guess. He was a single man and then suddenly this woman came along who looked upon him as a legend and the most magnificent thing she had ever seen (yes it was lust at first sight). So... the devotion to each other was mostly chemically/neurotrasmitter type reactions in the brain. That fades doesn't it... no matter what...
Add to that my own self loathing and depression etc that I have lived with for years, my own baggage, his baggage and addiction.
He has seen that he has lived in Darwin for over 4 years now and has not yet caught a Barramundi (the sign of a real man here), and he is probably blaming me for that in his mind because in that time we fell in love and got married and I was his focus. Now he wants to change that focus and camp and fish more. The initial rush of pure lust and deep deep love has faded and I guess that is normal.
But... with our baggage it is being mis communicated?????
You know what really annoys me when he says I don't want him to do these things... I bought him the flippin boat, and I bought him the 4WD (we share our money but I did all the looking and arranging and ringing around etc etc, Ialso do the budget and control the money). So tell me how that is not supporting his hobyy??? I mentioned that to him this morning and he just moaned.
I tried to talk to him last night but he was off work yesterday so that means he woulda had a few cones. I didn't ask but his eyes were red.
If those around me are a projection of myself.... then he must just be projecting something about myself that I have to see and learn......
uuugghhh wish this life caper was a bit easier!!!!
My A boyfriend is also addicted to playing video games... Seems pretty harmless right?? Well me, like you have bought him video games and all sorts of equiptment for it.. I also enjoy it a bit.. Anyways, so while I buy these things for presents for him, when he is constantly on the game and not giving ME enough attention you better believe he has heard about it... So while buying these things for them seems like a way to say we support it, other actions also say we don't..
Baggage that we have brings up alot of negativity in our current life/relationships even if we don't notice or lets face it, we can't help it sometimes.. When we are used to being cheated on or abused we tend to wait for the next time it's going to happen... Even if it's a new person that we are with that doesn't and has never done any of these things to us.. Certain memorys trigger us into thinking this way.... For example: my ex used to cheat on me all the time... He would stay out late saying he was at a "friends" and guess what? Yup cheating... So now I have a wonderful bf who happens to be an addict but he is a wonderful man who has never ever cheated on me and wouldn't even think of it... But you can bet that since thats what I was used to I've sure accused him of it... the trigger being if he were to stay out later than normal.. Come to find out, he really was just at a friends... So, if you are used to addicts/alcoholics that are mean and abusive to you while using then that's what you believe is going to always happen... Sounds to be not the case with your husband though!!! He is and addict that enjoys hunting and fishing and he doesn't abuse you and I'm sure loves you very much... We have to forgive our past abusers FOR OURSELVES and our new relationships... Leave our baggage at the airport!!! ha ha
Also, if it's the addiction that you hate, why would it be less of a stresser when he is smoking the "fake stuff"???
It is definitely stressful. It may be unrealistic to hope that anyone puts us first, because everyone needs to take care of themselves first. But it's not a choice between a) putting the other person first or b) totally disregarding their needs. It's not realistic to expect anyone to put us first all the time. But it's totally realistic to expect others to take us into account, to think of our happiness, and to contribute to the relationship. What the heck is a relationship if it's not two people involved with each other in a reciprocal, mutual sharing?
This is reminding me of my ex. When I was sad and upset that he hadn't gotten me a birthday present, he said I was being selfish. "You're trying to control me! If you wanted me to be happy you wouldn't try to control me!" I was supposed to think of his happiness but he wasn't supposed to have to think of mine. What about a compromise -- we both try think of the other person's happiness. I got so where I thought that wanting someone to acknowledge my birthday was too extreme a thing to expect of anyone. It's amazing to me that as he continued to fail to acknowledge my needs, I started to feel hopeless about even having needs. Like if only I could make myself not have any needs, I'd be happy. That's part of the insanity we get dragged into.
Kris10 - I wish I could answer that question myself why one is more of a stressor than another... It is totally illogical... I was still stressed no matter what he was smoking, but I just guess it is one more promise broken... I have no idea, I am clutching at straws to try to explain something I dont' understand in myself.
All else that you said there makes perfect sense to me....
The book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie helped me so much to see myself more clearly. Also face to face meetings helped me find the support group I was needing to not feel so alone and isolated in my life. I am sending you love and support!
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