The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am 28 years old. I have piercings and tattoos. I have short (changing from week to week ) rainbow colors in my hair. I ride a hot pink skateboard. I like to wear holy jeans. I prefure my funky glasses over contacts any day. I listen to my music loud. And I drive my car fast. I probably smoke entirely way to many cigarettes. I like to stay up late and sleep in....
Would you assume that I've been a CNA for the past 11 years working with the elderly/ handcap? That I have a 6 year old son and volutneer at his school regularaly? That I've been SOBER for the past 12 years and my idea of a fun saturday night is to stay in, watch a movie/ play games with my son? Probably not!! People see me and assume drugs, alcohol, partying, sometimes at stores I get followed like I'm even a theif... Far from!!!
Why do we make assumptions on things we don't know?? Better yet why are our assumptions usually bad?? Why can't we wake up in the morning and assume we are going to have a GOOD DAY!!?? That things are going to run smoothly.. That our A might be in a good place today?! Or maybe even that our A really can turn themselves around?!!
To many days I wake up thinking "here we go again ugh". Or if my A is out late that he is going to come home messed up and broke... Or that the fight is on... Too much we assume the worst and even look for it... It really never dawned on me that I could ASSUME THE BEST!! Assume that I'm going to have a GOOD DAY!!
I agree. I try so hard to teach my daughter not to judge people not matter what the circumstances. It's hard, I know I do it at times myself but I am really working to catch myself when I do. My spouse judges people very quickly by appearance and it is very frustrating when he does it around our daughter.
People make assumptions, stereotype, and profile because they want to control their environment. People are generally afraid of each other and not trusting. You are right. Unfortunately, you are always going to get that response from people and I'm guessing you know it. It's a trade off cuz I'm guessing you really enjoy being unique and expressive in your appearance. Thinking positive, being positive, and being true to yourself are great things. I hope you can make that part of your own ESH that you bring around everywhere.
Assuming makes and Ass out of -u-and-me (Assume) is some of what I was taught and still my own preferences are real and valid. My preferences run along the lines of sedate and calm, soft and non-obtrusive and that's me and I'm okay and in the midst of others I am "different" because of it. There was a time when the outside news was "he's crazy" and they had proofs for it. So I was a process of change and actually still am as I move even more toward a "spiritual way of life" in this program and the other. I also get to learn to leave others alone with the consequences of their choices.
Over the years I have boiled it down to one idea. People just cant give what they dont have. It is hard to view the world with a lens of trust, compassion, and understanding if it is not modeled to them. Perhaps if it was, it is like a muscle you have to exercise on a daily basis. The same holds true for me. If I dont, it is so easy to slip in to disaster mode thinking. For me that is why step 11 work is important on a daily basis. I am reminded to align myself with my HP in hopes to view the world with tolerance, love, patience, and understanding.
hey all! thanks for all your thoughts!!! I guess my point wasn't entirely that I look different but more along the lines that assumptions can be wrong... Although I love how differently everyone took this! Goes to show how everyone is unique!
I guess I was trying to say that assumptions often lead us to negative thinking.. And why do we do that?? I agree that if it quacks like a duck and looks like a duck or that if we are just so used to it ending in a negative way, we tend to always go there.... BUT What if we didn't?? Maybe we should start our days off and assume the best!! If we assume the worst we are going to have a bad attitude and well that usually leads us to a crappy day... So if we assume the best then maybe we can have a good attitude.. THEN even if something goes horribly wrong at least we didn't have a bad attitude all damn day!! Maybe then we even might not take it so hard or even get something good out of it!!!
Its funny you said all this because people always assume quite the opposite of me. I "look" like a person who never had tattoos or piercings, who never went to a gazillion punk rock shows, who didn't wear combat boots to school and was in the grunge era...at work, I dress conservitively, I am quiet, I have my hair nice and put in a braid or what not. Then it becomes warm weather and people start seeing my tattoos and they are shocked! "You don't look the type!" they say. I just smile now (I am 36 and this has gone on for years since I was 18 and got my first tattoo)... I don't let a lot of things people say get to me anymore, sometimes I still take stuff personally, but I am working on that. I am working on seeing people for who they are not what they wear or how their hair is. If they have tattoos or not, if they smoke or not, if they are religious or not... we are all just people and we are all trying to get by... I love this post, thanks for the food for thought ;) Heres to living life in the now, trying to live in a positive way and not all negative... There are so many who live negative. I try to wake up and choose to be happy, joyous and free....
-- Edited by youfoundme on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 08:37:07 AM
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Love your new picture I could never start my day thinking everything would be fine because I was deeplyconnected to the anger, resentment,self pity and sadnesswithin No matter how I tried to think and feel positive, my automatic negative thougthts surfaced and won.
Al anon has been such a gift in my life Before learning and using the tools I too made assumptions of others, worried what others thought of me and lived my life dependent on others.
Al anon has taught me the value of removing gossip, judgement, criticism from my life, living life as a fellowship of equals, focused on my needs, letting go of the past, living in the now. Then I am able to face the day with Serenity, courage and wisdom. I no longer judge people and strive to accept everyone I see.
I begin each day with the serenity prayer, reading C2C, and belief that HP will guide my day and my words. This lets me view the day with courage, serenity and know I will be given the wisdom to understand and know that I can handle whatever comers my way.
I am a much kinder gentler person now than I ever was before program
Great topic.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 09:30:13 AM
Interesting post.... I think, for me, some of the many benefits that I have received from MY recovery in Al-Anon is to not judge (or at least a reduction, lol), and to look at each and every person and realize I can learn something from them...
When I attended my ex-AW's first treatment center, I became friends with Gary - a scary looking biker-type, tattoos and long hair, etc - the complete opposite of me.... My first thought when I met Gary was "uh oh, here's trouble".....
We became quite good friends.... he was one of the kindest, gentlest human beings I had ever met - used to send me poems about eagles & nature, etc....
Another time, much earlier in my life, I got a similar lesson.... Another Gary was a kid on the baseball team I coached..... Long hair, looked like a druggie..... I remember "judging" him before we even met - thinking that I would have to watch this kid closely.... Well, it turned out that he was in a band, was an amazing musician, but was the most thoughtful and deep 17-year old I had ever met.... He did ZERO drugs or alcohol, and was incredibly passionate towards family and life....
Both Gary's have passed away.... "Treatment Center" Gary took his own life, as he couldn't overcome his addictions..... "Baseball" Gary died of natural causes at a very young age (i.e. 22) - some kind of irregular heartbeat.....
Both experiences helped shape me, and taught me that you really cannot "judge a book by it's cover"....
I also find this helps me on the flip side as well - when my home life was out of control with my ex-AW's drinking, etc. - I remember seeing others (from afar) and assuming that their life was so much better/normal, etc..... In the end, of course, some were - and some were not.... Life is kind of funny that way....
Today, I try to keep my "judgements" to a minimum, and prefer my assumptions to be positive..... For example, if I had one generic "judgement" about everyone on MIP - it is that you (we) are all here to get better, and find recovery in our own respective ways....
Thanks for the post
T
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 11:25:06 AM
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
In the past, I assumed that people were mostly a bunch of a**holes... and that was what I received in return. I hated the world and it seemed to hate me.
Today, I am often amazed at how many strangers smile at me... the eye contact, no verbal exchange whatsoever... our eyes meet and there is a special connection....
I chalk it all up to "of myself, I am nothing." The universe seems to hold a mirror for me, and I like what I'm seeing today much, much better. I am eternally grateful for this program of recovery.
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 18th of October 2011 02:37:30 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I like this topic, especially since I surprise people occasionally when I get into a swimsuit and they see tats from my youth growing up in California, people would be shocked to know I used to shave my head in junior high. I am also changing my attitudes and judgements about life and situations. I think that is mostly what the recovery program is all about. "If I keep doing what I 've always done, I will keep getting what I've always gotten." Same with thinking, acting, cycles in everything eventually grows with me atleast working my program. It has all been for the better. I like the spirit of this share. Thanks for posting.
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
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