The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many many times I have mentioned my MOM. I love her I do but she can drive me up the wall! On Sat. I wanted to spend time w/ a friend who I rarely get to spend time at her home. I am mentioning this now because I couldn't get on here later on Sat. Anyhow, I was alerted by my mom via my H that I was supposed to go out w/ her. I never said I would but my MOM assumed I did. I spent about 40 minutes w/ my friend & I get a call: my mistake; I did tell my MOM to call at 3. Ugh! Now I am sitting there visiting w/ my friend & get another call--I dunno say around 4--my mom is sitting there waiting outside my house for me to come home! By this time I am getting angry! Long story, right? So at around 4:20 I walk home. My friend just lives about 5 mins. away! Crap!
The long story is clear here! My mom is not allowed to hang out w/ my H. I put up that boundary years ago. I asked her to call before she comes over; i.e. to see if I am home etc. I am still livid as you can see about my MOM being so impatient but she did wait outside for I guess 45 mins. Ugh again! I can't win. So I did go out w/ my MOM so She would be happy & her waiting would be worth it!
I am just saying this to get it off my chest! You who have read my posts in the past can probably see a pattern here. I am still stuck to my MOM after 12 years of marriage & 45 years of life! She won't let go! I was told by my AUNT her sister that I should value the time I have w/ my MOM. I know that but I just can't seem to get her off me!
Thank you for sharing - it is great to have a place to vent. I've only been on the board for a short while so I don't know your history. I have similar issues with my H as of late. We are separated. It is rare if I ever do anything with friends - I have so few - but if an opportunity comes up he finds a way to guilt me. It's my fault for accepting that guilt but I do. He however, can do as he pleases - which most of the time is not much but there are times. There's always a reason or purpose for him doing so but if I do it's bad timing. He is not the alcoholic in my life but sure acts like one at times. I am not responsible for his behavior but I know that I have not made things easy on him either.
LOL .. are you sure you don't belong to my mother?
I got nothing. The nice thing about my situation is my mom can't just show up. I've dealt with a triangulation issue where she has tried to align herself with my AH and that ended right where it started. She actually did apologize for that one. I take a much harder line with my mom so what I do probably would be difficult for someone else. You are very kind if you followed through on going out with your mom, I find if I give an inch I am backing up an extra 5 miles.
Since my grandma has passed away I try to call however I end the conversation when I get uncomfortable. I really don't want to know if she's wearing grandma's underwear or not. It's not that I don't care it's just it creeps me out. I figure she has professional people she can discuss that with and I only need to worry if one of them calls me .. lol. I had a bit of a panic attack last week when she started talking about coming out in December. I would love for her to come out then here's the issue for me. The weather is so unpredictable and with my luck she'd be on a flight that would be delayed for days on the tarmac .. lol .. I'd never hear the end of it. So we agreed the kids birthdays are in April, Easter is in April so she's going to plan her trip for then. I think the timing would be so nice and I would have time to spend with her as well as the kids to. So it would be enough without being to much. I love my mom the best I can, small doses .. my MIL (AH's smom) has offered for her to stay there soooo I'm going to take her up on it. We don't have the room really at our place.
I believe in these situations you have to mean what you say (you did say 3pm) say what you mean (back to the 3pm .. lol) and try to be as gentle as possible (no is a complete sentence and you have to know when it's no and when it's NO). I find I do have more tolerance for some of the stuff that goes on at the same time I think she is getting the message enough if enough and I'm ready to end the conversation.
Hugs P :)
PS - I'm glad you had a good day and a good visit regardless. :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I would say I agree to say NO... Although I too know how hard that is.. My mother is the same way... I've learned that if I really want some fun ME time. Time with friends.. Or just need to get away... I turn off my phone!! Easier for me to turn off my phone than to say no to my mom...
Aloha Sis...this was just another practice run. You won't always be doing it this way because you are practicing change and change is coming. Take your power back...your power to make your own decisions for yourself and the consequences you want from them. I went thru the "Parent" lessons in Al-Anon and they were all (every one) very well worth the time and effort. HP worked it with me and one part of the lesson was even letting go of my Mom as my HP and just letting my HP have the job without interference or a second opinion from someone who was not qualified (my Mom and Step-Father). We evened the playing field...all of us became just human and Children of God and nothing more or less. Worked out so well for all of us.
Take back your power and do it nicely. ((((hugs))))
I can relate to mother issues, having a very loving but very controlling mother myself. I am separated from my AH after a painful mess of a summer. Being close to my family, while a blessing, has brought its share of problems too. The support I was hoping to get in terms of tlc was just not there. Every step of the way my family was finding fault in everything I did, channeling their anger towards AH (even though justifiable) at me. When my AH comes to visit our son, she has a habit of calling and asking me is he there? Yesterday she said that she and my dad cant sleep at night because theyre afraid I will take him back. Now, granted, AH caused my pain, not my family I know they love me and want whats best, but their methods are hoping that by flooding me with guilt I will do what they want. So, I totally hear you when you say youre still stuck to your mother. It is very hard to set boundaries, even as an adult child. Remember she loves you and thats why its hard for her to let go. Anyway, sending esh.
