The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i thought i caught my bf using. he denies it. i thought i had evidence. he explains it away. i want soo much to trust him. doesnt trusting him do good things for him? how do i know when it might be enabling him to cheat? i dont know how to handle this. i expect the same thing to happen again, and want to be prepared for it for next time. if i feel i catch him, what should i do? say, yes honey i trust you and hope he is right, or if he is not, hope the guilt will be strong enuf to make him fess up?
Most people deny things when they are caught red-handed. And, most people who use can come up with all kinds of creative excuses. I suggest you keep reading here and find a local Al Anon meeting where you can meet people who have been through what you're going through. You can be as prepared as you want, trust me I am ALWAYS prepared but that doesn't change whether they will use or not again because you can't control their actions. You have to take care of you and start focusing on what you want out of life and go find it. Let him do what he wants, give him up to a Higher Power, and take control of your own life and actions. It's not easy, I'm trying and working through it myself but I know the effort will pay off when I can finally watch him drink and not freak out. Letting someone take ownership of their life and responsibility for their actions is very freeing. Unfortunately, most of us here struggle with this and that's why we come here: to find out HOW to let go, how to let them make their own mistakes, how to let them decide when enough is enough. Hugs to you today!
Trust gets crushed when dealing with an A - I am living with that myself. In my experience, catching him in the act (or after) resulted in some pretty awful confrontations. Even when he confessed to it, it never kept him from drinking again. And my constantly hovering over him and asking him if he did it didn't help either. A good quote often used on this board is "he either will drink or he won't, what are you going to do?" He knows you want him to stop. He will or won't do it if and when he's ready. The process is different for everyone. Keep the focus on you - take care of yourself. If you can, go to meetings and read Alanon literature. It will help center you around yourself - instead of him. In support, nyc
For me, when I came to this board, it was suggested that I try out alanon meetings. I went, but didn't really do anything with it. Then I eventually left this board thinking I didn't need it. Then I came crawling back here when I was about suicidal. This board loved me when I couldn't even look at myself. I am learning through that love to accept me. I started meetings again and got a sponsor. We are slowly going through the first 3 steps. I read the literature, and I have alanon friends I can text during the day or chat with here that help me so much. I learned to not isolate myself, which is a big part of my disease. There is a gentleman here named Tom that has been known to say "They are either going to drink (or use drugs) or not, what are you going to do?" Thats just it, they will do what they want to because they are adults. When I got off my qualifier's back (the alcoholic in my life), I began to change and he did too. Slowly but surely there is a miracle in progress. I used the words "Don't React, Remain Calm" so many times. The serenity prayer. The slogan "Let Go and Let God" and "Live and let live"... I am learning to live in the now, and when I do, I feel so much better. Glad you are here, keep coming and take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
TRUSTING is a principle of the program... not learning to trust the people in our lives.... but to trust Higher Power.
If your BF has begun recovery, count on a relapse. And remember this, it's a lot harder to earn a coin in al-anon... because we slip all the time, LOL!
All I need to focus on is my personal recovery. That is my primary responsiblity, NOT whether or not the alcoholics in my life are relapsing. I am not the police. And I am not God. I got off their backs and I got a life of my own... It is an amazing relief.
My own recovery is constant work. The work of my recovery is to just stay close to Higher power... to allow HP to work through me.... Am I being the person my HP wants me to be today? Does my HP want me to monitor the people in my life, to sneak around checking up on them? Am I judging? It's constant work because that is what I am inclined to do.
I learned there are 3 kinds of business. A situation is either MY business.... Someone else's business.... Or it's God's business. It's none of my business if someone is struggling in their recovery. My business is my own personal recovery.
The slogan Live and Let Live is one of my favorites because it gives me freedom... it releases me from taking on a responsiblity that was never mine to begin with.
((hugs))
-- Edited by glad lee on Monday 17th of October 2011 12:29:23 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I remember starting to get so confused I didn't know if the grass was blue or the sky was green. What I had to do was start believing what I saw and not what I was told, I started to trust my own instincts. I also had to stop asking questions I already knew the answers to. I know my own truth, I trust my own truth, I trust my HP. I am starting to fully know I will be ok no matter what.
Welcome to MIP I hope you will keep coming back, put the focus back on you and start your own healing program. If you can face to face meetings really help a LOT in healing knowing you are not alone, knowing what you see IS what you need to believe.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
