The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of the things everyone keeps saying is "take care of yourself."
After 28 years of living with an abusive AH, and being so focused on keeping him happy and our life stable...I have realized that I am SO disconnected from my own needs that when someone says "take care of yourself" -- i honestly don't know where to begin. I have always been focused on pleasing others.
After a year of separation, when I have down time I really have a difficult time thinking about what I need and want for myself. My counselor says I have "stress brain" and that I need to go slow and not make any major decisions or take on any major projects. I've always been so driven, that now, without the addiction in my life...I just feel weird. Kinda in limbo, without direction..
How do you all get back in touch with your deepest intentions for yourselves? What are the first steps in learning how to take care of ourselves?
I can so relate and I watch a lot of people come through the doors and experience this very thing is the biggest challenge for them. They can tell you what everyone likes and if you say I didn't ask what so and so liked I asked what YOU liked it's complete silence.
For me it's the little things, when I feel gratitude for what is happening around me I am able to experience what I actually enjoy OR something comes up and I think I LIKE that!? It is usually a shock because it's been sooo long since i've done anything for me.
Part of taking care of me is making sure I am paying attention to my body and not skipping meals, am I getting enough sleep. Reading my alanon lit for me is a big thing, it's something I enjoy. Going to meetings is another way I take care of me. Going to church. It's making sure I am doing something every day that puts my needs first so that I feel good mentally, spiritually and physically. I can't remember who said it I swear it was here, always give from your surpluses not from reserves. If I have surpluses I will not be tired when I give and feel angry that I have nothing let to give anyone because I haven't put anything into me as a deposit. Plus, it's always important even on the good days to put that into yourself BECAUSE just like a savings account there is always a rainy day that you might need something extra for you
That is what taking care of me means to me.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Although I have worries and stresses as we all do, I have found ways to enjoy life around those problems, thats not to say I don't slip and slide, I am more than my worries and have lots of gratitude for the things that I love, I can big problems out of all proportion if I dwell, but I also need to speak out when I am struggling too, I don't take alcholism personally, but I am human and even though I would not cope at all without alanon, there are the times when living with it certainly do make my life unmanagable, but not hopeless.
This was the subject of our meeting on Friday! One suggestion that stuck with me is that if you are having trouble wondering how to take care of yourself, volunteer to help those less fortunate. I am not exactly sure how this would help. Perhaps you would see others basic needs being neglected and be inspired to take care of your own while you can? I am sure it would help with gratitude anyway. Maybe sit quietly and ask your HP. I bet (he, she, it) knows. Taking care of yourself spiritually, emotionally and physically is hard I think. Maybe you have to just do it. Like I will work out because it is supposed to be 'taking care of myself' but then i realise yes, that helped. Good idea me! LOL
I understand. Therapists, friends, family kept telling me to "take care of yourself". Beyond the basic physical needs of food, clothing and shelter, I didn't know how to take care of me. Sure, I would smile and nod my head like I knew, but I didn't.
Then, I started going to F2F meetings. I listened. I read. I talked things through. I began to understand what "take care of me" meant. It meant taking care of my spiritual needs and finding my passions. It meant letting go of fear and of the need to control everyone else.
My first step to taking care of me was crawling into Al-Anon and admitting my life was unmanageable. I had been so in control of everything for so long, it was a huge "take care of me" step to say, "I need help. I don't know how to take care of myself."
Baby steps.... this is where our ODAT (or one hour, one minute etc) comes in handy... How about coming up with a short list of activities that YOU like - they don't have to be extravagant - i.e. 30min of reading, bubble bath, coffee/latte etc - and commit to doing one thing every day - just for you!!
Hope that helps
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
What a wonderful topic rehprof! I think a lot of us need to learn this... I'm definitely still working on it!
What I have learned is that when I am stressed or unhappy, I need to take a minute and figure out why I feel that way. Then, to take care of myself, I do what I can to eliminate the things that make me feel that way.
It doesn't have to be big things either... focus on changing the things you can, rather than dwelling on things that are beyond your control... personally, I find that a sink full of dirty dishes causes nagging low-level stress that eats away at the back of my mind, because I *hate* doing dishes, and I know the longer I leave it the worse it will be... and I'd eat unhealthy fast food because cooking meant more dishes to do, so I didn't want to cook... so once I figured out what was going on, I bought myself a mini-dishwasher. It felt extravagant and unnecessary, but it meant no more nagging stress from sinks full of dirty dishes, and I did start eating healthier once I didn't have to worrry about how many dishes I dirtied in the process... so as silly as it sounds, it's been a big improvement in my quality of life!
What great E S & H you have gotten :) I can only say what works for me to take care of me... setting boundaries I can do, going to meetings, talking to my sponsor and talking to other alanon folks. Also, I started yoga and am working on doing it at home with some meditation along with the real class, and I tried out a church for my spiritual health. Little by little I am feeling better... Take care of you means to start doing small things for yourself. HUGS
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
This is a great topic and when I first found Al-anon and MIP, I thought I would go crazy being recently single and obsessed with my exAH. I thought I would knit a whole snow suit for me and my children with how lost I felt. I had to learn my likes and learn to make time for myself to discover hobbies and things that I enjoyed. I am still working at stopping my brain from stressing. I like taking the dog or my toddler on an adventure/walk. Getting out and enjoying life is still not natural to me, but I am getting better at it. I had to laugh, because I posted this same share several months ago here and couldn't imagine what to do with myself and my life. It gets better!!! Keep up the great work!
__________________
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
