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Hi everyone i'm new here and have been reading through the post. I am 26 and engaged to an alcoholic. We have been together for a year and 8 months. He got his 3rd dui back in April while driving my truck which has caused me some problems with my insurance. He has admitted that he has a problem and has been going to AA but not that often. He is also pulling jail time on his days off. His drinking was never a problem for me in the beginning it was mostly just drinking on the weekends with friends and i was usually drinking with him. But now that he is on probation and could serve time in jail if any alcohol is found in his system his problem has become apparent. He is doing good and will not drink around me or at my house (he lives with me). But this has caused him to lie to me about drinking. I never cause a scene and he is usually the one getting upset, not me. I will just simply and calmly ask "have you been drinking today?" He always says "no". Which i know is a lie. I can tell when he has only had one beer. I Will reply "ok" and leave it alone. But he can't leave it alone. He will ask me if i think that he is lying. Why do i think he has been drinking? What did he do that made me think that? And so on. Which will lead to me calmly explaining to him for 100th time that I only ask when i truly feel that has been drinking and that i can tell by the way he talks and his OCD gets worse. Then of course he tells me I'm wrong and a bitch for always thinking that i am right. I Will reply "ok" and walk away...But he just keeps on. Then when i find The proof that he has been drinking and that i was right he always says that he is sorry that he didn't mean to lie to me that he just doesn't think and that he just was trying to show me that I'm not always right......which the whole situation just proved i was sooooo...yeah. But this only happens about 3 times a month or so. But now i think that he is lying about working overtime so that he can drink before coming home. He gets off and 8am and i go in at 9am. I had no reason to believe that he wasn't working over until i found a receipt from a gas station from 9:30am on a day he was suppose to work over. then i looked at the pay stub and seen he checked out at 8am that day. Should i bring this up???? He also siad that he had to go in early last Saturday because there was a power outage at the plant. I thought nothing of it until later that night when i noticed his work boots still here. I texted him asking if he was staying the full 12. He said yes..why?(me) "just wondering. y didn't you were your boots?" (him) No supervisor on weekends they don't care.(me) "OK????......." (him)Whats that mean? I didn't replay i went to bed. They cant text or call while at work and there was no waiting between text which made me wonder more. I think he left to go drinking before work. I have proof of this just a feeling. Should i bring this up?
Sorry for just a long 1st post. It was actually his idea that i find a group to talk to so that i can better understand what he is going through.
75% of our days are good and great but the 25% has be thinking about weather to marry him or not.
Welcome to MIP!You have come to the right place. People have been where you are and will share their experience, strength and hope with you. Try a face to face meeting in your area. Also, find some of the literature on alcoholism. We all have spent alot of time watching our alcoholics and being lied to. We are told to keep the focus on ourselves and work our own program of recovery.
Find a group so you can understand what he is doing ?? pricless . What you have found is a group who focus on why we allow the things we do . Al-Anon is for you about you , we rarley discuss the alcoholic .. call 1-888-4-alanon they will give you a contact number for nearest meeting in your area . you need support this is just too hard to do alone . Louise
There's a saying about alcoholics: "How do you tell when an alcoholic is lying? His lips are moving." Dishonesty is part and parcel of the syndrome, because they start out by lying to themselves about their drinking. And then they lie to everyone else.
What I wish someone had said to me when I started this long journey is "What would you do if you knew it wasn't going to change?" Because unless the alcoholic chooses to work a program of recovery, very hard (for instance, going to AA at least once a day for a long time, and stopping drinking along with that), it will not change, except that it will get worse. Only 5-30% of alcoholics who go into recovery programs stay sober longterm. Those are the odds. The odds are that they will not recover. The certainty is that while they are still drinking, they will lie about it (and other things).
It helps for us to learn all we can about alcoholism, so we can make whatever decision we decide to with full knowledge and all the tools of recovery at our own disposal. The illness drags us into the insanity too. The threads here, the books such as "Getting Them Sober," meetings, and a sponsor can help us get perspective and understand how to move forward.
I hope you'll keep coming back. There is much wisdom on these boards.
All I can say is please find the nearest alanon meeting. The 3 C's apply totally you didn't cause it you can't control it and you won't cure it .. "it" being addiction to anything, drugs, alcohol, sex whatever the addiction is the 3 c's apply. The addiction has nothing to do with those who love the addict and everything to do with the fact they are ill.
These boards are great, .. everyone on here is amazing. For myself I use the boards in conjunction with my face to face meetings. It propels my healing and it keeps me grounded between meetings.
Being married to someone who is an addict it doesn't matter the addiction it will never go away. You have to decide what is best for you. I will be honest if I didn't know my children (and love them more than anything) and had all of the information disclosed I do not know if I would have chosen to marry my AH. I love him fiercely however, he is and will always be an addict. I can't love him out of it, I can't hope him out of it, I have to accept this side of him and know I can't change him. Now that I have our children I want to see things through and find out why it is I had to have this relationship it is more than love, on some level I was and am addicted to the up's and down's of what happens in this kind of chaos.
What has changed for me .. is me. I have a better sense of who I am, a better sense of who I want to be and I know I do not want to have the crazy behavior I have exhibited in the past. I can change ME. I will not change my AH.
Please find everything out about addiction that you can fine because it is important to go into any kind of relationship with knowledge of what you are dealing with and knowing what you are getting into. Addicts are loveable people YOU have to know how to cope in this situation and YOU have to know who you are and that YOU are not going to fix this situation.
There are two great books, technically 3 I can think of off the top of my head, co dependent no more, melody beattie .. Getting them sober, Toby Rice Drew, AND In all our affairs, making crisis work for you, that is an alanon lit book. The most humbling thing about that book is the shares and how real they are and the real things that happen in an alcoholic home and the devastation without help and support that alcoholism can reek. It's humbling to think that people chose to be that real about what they went through and their thoughts, hopes and what they did or tried to do. The first two are a really good look at ourselves and why we choose to be in the relationships we are in.
Keep coming back and doing the work on yourself there are no easy answers, alanon is a program you are going to get out of it what you choose to put into it. The work is worth it and YOU are worth the work. If we worried 1/2 as much about ourselves as we do the addict we would already be 1/2 way to healing. Please consider a face to face meeting.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Something I might bring to your attention is that you are asking him if he's been drinking when you already know the answer. That is a set up for both of you. He feels he needs to lie and you are upset because he is lying. With a alcoholic there's no need to prove yourself right. Alcoholics drink, it's a given.
Imagine that you didn't ask because you already know the answer. Imagine you weren't checking receipts because you already know that answer too. Explaining for the 100th time? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. That's where we end up without some help.
Now what? That's where Alanon comes in. Alanon has tools you can use that assist you in avoiding doing those same things hundreds of times more. I hope you can find a meeting in your area. It's the best gift you can give youself and your relationship.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
lying... yep... I am hearing ya... most people on this board have been in that situation also.
I have stopped asking. I know the answer. I ask myself the question and the answer is there in front of me. He uses because that is what he does.
It took me about a month to stop asking. then I checked and didn't ask. I used to check and ask so I knew the 'right' answer.
Anyway, it turned out by asking.... I was basically asking to be lied to. I knew the answer, I knew he was going to lie, so I asked the question and got a lie... totally fulfilling my expectations. And giving me the 'right' to be vindicated that I was right....
What did I achieve.... being right????? I was right anyway. I knew anyway. Why did I ask to be lied to?????
So I don't ask anymore, nothing has changed, except he doesn't lie to me anymore
Hi and Welcome to MIP. The things that were suggested to me when I first came to this board a little over a year ago (I left when I thought I knew better and came back when I found out I didn't know better), are: We can't cause them to drink, we can't cure their drinking, and we can't control it. This means that counting how much they drank, knowing they drank but asking anyway, questioning, berating, condesending, forcing solutions, yelling, screaming, silent treatments, manipulating, mothering, martyrdom etc, none of it works to make them stop. THe thing that works for me is going to real, face to face alanon meetings. When I went to meetings, I found a sponsor. I am learning so much from her. I am learning to stop taking everyone elses inventory and to stop giving advice .... alanon isn't about advice giving, its about living in the solution. I can only say whats working for me. I live with someone who drinks, but because of my changes, the drinking is getting less often and the amount is less. We are trying. I am working on the steps, I am on step 1, 2, and 3...basically "I can't, my higher power can, I will let my higher power..." Its hard to give up this control we think we have. We don't have it. There are some great books that I was told about...One day at a time in alanon, Courage to change, and I also read the AA big book, As We Understood... and Getting Them Sober.
You can change you, thats the only person you can change. Its a simple program of spirituality for complex minds. My mind has a great committee in there that talks me out of the next right thing for me all the time. I am working on taking that committee out... I hope you find meetings for your self. As Tom from here always says "He is either going to drink or not, what are you going to do?"
I love my qualifier (the person in my life who drinks), and he has a disease. His disease is addiction. I also have a disease, its addiction as well, though I am addicted to adrenalin. Adrenalin comes from when there is chaos and we crave it just as they crave a drink or drugs. We get the compulsion to create a problem where there is none, or to feed into a problem and make that fight or flight phisiological stuff come on. Thats the adrenalin rush, and its a true addiction too. Each day I can choose to stay in my spirituality or not. Today, just for today, I choose to feel happy, joyful and free... Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Alcoholism is progressive. He will be 10 times worse by the time he hits 30 if he doesn't get into recovery. I am just sharing what I know about alcoholism.
Putting that aside, you can learn more about yourself in Alanon and develop boundaries and stick to them so you wont always feel lied to, disrespected, and that you are in a relationship with a little boy that refuses to grow up and that you are equal parts mother and significant other.
Christy and "1st time" -- Christy is so right. When we ask "have you been drinking" its rather a poinless exercise...we already know the answer. Dont go there! Because then that gives the opening for the A to claim you are crazy for thinking he is drinking...etc. Long-term this can make you question your own perceptions..and have a dire impact on your own mental health...I know because I played this game for 28 years... try to live your life...and know that trust is one of the casualties of addiction.
None of us can tell you whether to take this risk, but we can share our experiences, and can support you with what you decide
hi..i really dont think A's can just drink in the weekend and stop and start.... a proper full on alchoholic is physically addicted and is drunk every day- thats my perception of it. maybe there are various degrees...i know people who go to AA only because if they drink it leads them to take the subtance they are hooked to. a full on- proper alcoholic gets the shakes- is sick in the morning and is drunk by lunch time. I really would think about not rushing into this marriage...i know i sund all cold and doom and gloom but why commit when you are starting out on a bad note? dont make things hard for yourself, make them easy and dont marry until things are more stable.
sorry if my facts about A's are wrong- this is just my personal experience with them...its not based on an academic study-lol
There are a number of objective criteria to the formal diagnosis of alcoholism:
1) tolerance (more and more alcohol needed to get a buzz, or drinking alot with no apparent effect)
2) withdrawal (symptoms if person does not use)
3) a pattern of use (e.g., can just be weekend drinking, or just after 5 pm)
For the full list of "diagnostic criteria" you can see it under "substance dependence" in the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders -- IV text revised. This is the book that professionals use to diagnose mental illness.
For me I think that only reason I ask him if he has been drinking is because I want him to know that I know ( if that makes any sens). I dont really want his answer I just want him to know that he cant hide it i guess. I feel that if I dont ask then he thinks that he has gotten way with drinking and hiding it from me because he thinks no body can tell.
He got out of jail Friday and got a call to come to meeting at work about his attendance. He has missed a few days because he has been sick and the doctor took him out. He has doctor notes to prove this. Well they said he wasn't allowed to take that many days off without being there for a year and they fired him! I was so afraid that he was going to get upset and stop somewhere and drink before coming home. He came straight home and told me what happened. Said he was going to ask a lawyer Monday if it was legal and then see if he can get his old job back in lawn care.
That night my sister and a few friends invited us out. We were a little hesitant to go because of money but decided we could use a night out. They ended up buying rounds for every one A FEW TIMES! I knew he wasn't going to turn them down and prepared myself for a night of drinking. I felt guilty for drinking the shots with him but figured i would just see happened I didn't want to make a scene. We went home with no more than a slight a buzz and woke up the next morning and he didn't make an accuse to drink a beer a to kill the hang over and spent the rest of the weekend with out a drop of alcohol so that's a step forward.
I'm afraid that if he goes back into landscaping that he will start drinking everyday with the "crew". He is gone right now to go talk to the owner about getting on for leaf season.
What I can say really worked for me was to going to Alanon meetings and work the steps with a face to face sponsor so I could determine if it was in my best interest to stay with a person who has a drinking problem. For me I decided to stay and it has been the best decision I have ever made. My spouse is not in recovery. However, I have been active in my alanon program for more than half our marriage. It has been going to meetings, working the steps, sponsoring others, and doing service work that has allowed me to take my hands off of others and cease trying to change him.
There is an expression in my homegroup that is, God has no grandchildren. I do not need to focus on what my AH is doing or not doing. All I need to be responsible for is my attitude, actions, and inner being. When I keep the focus on myself and leave the results up to God, everything seems to fall in place without my participation.
Alanon for me is a gift. I do so hope if you have not been to a face to face meeting it is suggested you try six or more before making a decision as to whether or not it is for you.
Thanks for sharing today. I am so glad you are here.
