Have you ever called the authorities? - Al-Anon Family Group

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Have you ever called the authorities?

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

Hmmm.... I am not sure about who to call, I was thinking about this the other night, if he got the keys, I would probably call the non emergency number. I called that line one time before due to a noisy neighbor's party, around midnight they had not settled down and so I called. The police were there within minutes. I would call them and if they said it was the wrong number then I would call wherever they said to call. I actually told my qualifier this the other day as well. That if he drove and he was drunk I would call the cops. I can't condone that kind of behavior. He didn't drive because when he wasn't paying attention I hid the keys. Because I didn't make a scene he didn't even notice and then it was too late to go to the store. They close at 9pm here.
On the doctor thing, for me, I stay out of that part. You are right, they are going to drink, or not...what are you going to do for you? HUGS! Keep coming :)

rrib · Senior Member

I'd bet his shrink has no idea how much he's drinking. Alcolhol is a depressant. Drinking makes people more depressed.

Don't know which police number would be better. Probably 911.

jmanning · Veteran Member

I hate to say but each one of my AH Dui's were because I called. I did not want to him to hurt someone with his impaired driving. I couldn't live with myself if I knew he killed someone and I could of avoided it. I just called city police since we lived in the city. My AH knew I called each time I never hid that.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs ILD,

I can only tell you what my experience was on the whole anti depressants and it was sooo scary to me. His whole personality changed he was def not the man I married and he was NOT a man I even liked or wanted to be around. He had checked out and his compass of what was right or wrong wasn't even on the map, I mean a tiny blip on the radar he wasn't even there.

What frightened me the most was ALL of his health professionals KNEW he was drinking and kept explaining to him he would be in a self induced coma if he continued and he just did not care. It also increased his urge to drink. I can probably lay pretty good odds that he didn't and doesn't remember 1/2 of what took place on many evenings if he had been drinking. He was so confused my heart broke for him knowing how bad he was, this was on Paxil. In my AH's case he was actually prescribed the drug by our general physician. I do not believe that ever should have happened and I have a lot of anger still with that dr for not following up with him about it. Yes, I have control issues I went to her and told her he was an alcoholic (pre alanon days). She blew me off.

I am ashamed to say I sent him out of the house without calling the police knowing he had been drinking. I honestly thought he would go straight to his mom's or even a drinking buddy's and just drink himself stupid there I had NO idea he would go from gas station to gas station eventually winding up at a bar that refused to serve him.

I don't know if I would make the call still that's another issue for me to think about, I will say that you probably only need to call the police station directly and they can tell you who to call.

Hugs P

Good luck and I will be praying for you and your family (I hope that's ok to put that out there like that).

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, Pushka, your story scares me. When I talked to AH about what happened, he seemed distant and not caring. When he's done stupid stuff in the past I know that he was usually remorseful and asked for forgiveness. Right now, I'm not sure he wants to quit drinking or taking Paxil. I can almost see him turning into something he's not. The question is: what can I do about it? I don't mean in changing HIM, I mean for our family. We are in the process of buying a new house. The contracts are in and money is in escrow and we're supposed to close the first week of November. If his behavior continues like this, I am afraid that I may have to leave. But, leaving in the middle of this actual move is going to be tricky. Or, maybe he'll keep it together for a while and we can get this move over with and then I can evaluate where we are. I have to admit that I WILL not raise my son around a drunk. And, I do have boundaries and I feel that they've already been crossed. Unfortunately, I wonder if the Paxil is making him just 'not care' anyway. If we leave, I wonder if it will even make a difference? Oh, boy.....so much to think about. I honestly feel like the work I'm doing on myself is really happening, though. I would have never been able to talk about leaving like this in the past. I would have accepted his broken promises and lies and not confronted them. Now, I do feel confident when I deal with him and I get better every day.

youfoundme · ~*Service Worker*~

ilovedogs... I used to take Paxil at one time and the doctor had me coming in every few weeks to see how I was doing on it. When I said how awful I was feeling, he switched me to Celexa. When that didn't work he switched me to zoloft. Then he gave me meds for anxiety. I can say from that side of things, that stuff makes you stop caring. I got off the meds and am now not on anything and feel more alive than ever due to alanon...

He has to be the one to notice it though and tell the doctor about it. It is sad that it seems so many doctors could care less about the alcoholism. Pharmacists on the other hand will tell you whats what with the drugs and alcohol... You can choose to stay with him just for today, live in the now. Its ok to set up a plan B too, but take it one day at a time... HUGS!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Still not convinced your husband is an alcoholic. I am convinced you have a huge problem with his drinking. You will instinctively know what to do when you hit several alanon meetings and maybe some open AA meetings. It does sound like the husband is headed down a slippery path of self-medicating with alcohol. If you talk about his drunk driving he will tell you "I only had a couple by that point. I was fine," It is going to go in one ear and out the other and he will call you a nag again.

You are totally powerless over this, so I would stop trying to exert your will over him and focus on what you can control.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, and yes, I did call 911 when my ex-A swallowed a whole bottle of pills while drunk and trying to kill himself. He fought the police, almost got tazed and was cursing at me the whole way out the door as they hauled him off strapped to a gurney in handcuffs. I only called because he had called his mother telling her "good bye" and she called me and urged me "not to let her baby son die."

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip, there are many times that I'm not convinced he's an alcoholic either. Yet, the binge drinking is a new thing since starting the Paxil. He also has admitted to being an alcoholic when he was a teenager and both his parents were alcoholics(his mother would be passed out at the kitchen table by 9 PM most nights and he was embarrassed to have friends come over when he was in high school). He was involved in a hit and run when he was 16 and his father took his license away for a year. Back then, the authorities gave you a slap on the wrist and they couldn't prove he had been drinking but his dad knew and held him accountable.

The other night was not the first night I've seen him binge either. And, by bingeing I mean he's had more than a 6 pack and threw in a few glasses of wine for good measure. And, then he'd pass out on the couch. For the average drinker, 8 drinks is probably a bit much. My father is a heavy drinker(I hesitate to call him an alcoholic, though) and he thinks 6 drinks is normal for a social drinker who's out with their friends. But, at home alone, he thinks 3 or 4 is normal. So, everyone has their definition of what makes an alcoholic or an alcohol abuser. What difference does it make, if the other person's drinking is affecting the family in a negative way then it's an issue. Call it what you want, the drinking is a problem. When you're leaving the family home with the garage door wide open, driving intoxicated, and lying to your spouse...then I think there's a problem. Does it really matter what the label is?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It is so tricky ILD...If he is going to stop, it has to progress to a level where it's obviously a problem for him. You clearly don't want it to go there and for good reasons. When it came to the point that I was drinking whenever I was not working and I was drinking daily, it was obvious to me that I had a problem. Even then, I went along knowing I had a problem but not doing anything about it for a long time. It took a drunken car crash to get me into AA. Busting through all that denial is critical. The more you act as the adversary, the more he sees the problem as you and not the alchohol. I cannot tell you how to resolve this as what Canadian Guys states often is true: He is either going to drink or not drink. What are you going to do?

You could be within your limits to say "you are too old to binge drink like you are at a frat party. IF this happens again, I'm outta here." but then you have to stick to the boundary. No easy answers. I still think based on the timing of his major depressive episode, he is drinking now to self medicate depression. Does he have his own therapist? One that he is honest with? Acknowledging that.... yes, he does have depression, and that you know his drinking is a way to numb difficult feelings cuz the paxil wont take it all away might help. After that suggesting a therapist to help keep him on track and doing constructive things to get better from his depression instead of maladaptive things like drinking. It just concerns me that you are gonna go into a vicious circle here of criticism, trying to control, him downing himself more, him drinking more, and then repeat.

Maybe bust it up by seeking out a counselor with him and empathically acknowledging his drinking as a maladaptive way of dealing with depression. This would not work for the average alcoholic who is well past this point and drinks out of sheer addiction. Also, it might not work here ILD, but it's a suggestion because I know what you've been doing isn't working.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs again ILD,

Again with me my AH is a binge drinker .. he can go for weeks, months, YEARS without a drink. That's what makes it all so weird. I kept rationalizing he's blowing off steam blah blah blah. Name the excuse I can fill it in, the issue for him is 1 is to many and 100 is not enough. It's about what happens WHEN he drinks. The addiction counselor that my AH dealt with called him an addict even though he didn't drink every day. It was the straight up issue of how much the binge was and again what happened, jail twice for public intoxication, 3 DUI's now (even though he only has 1 at the moment on his record the other 2 DID happen), staying out all night, wrecked cars not knowing how they got wrecked, thankfully no one was hurt. You know your AH best, being an addict doesn't mean drinking every day it means drinking and having an issue when the drinking happens. Drinking until passing out IS a problem especially when it's happening consistently.

My AH came to me last year after his DUI and just announced he had to get off the meds and did. He never went back to the shrink, he takes just something for anxiety now it's clonipin (sp?). Nothing else and the clonipin seems to address the anxiety issues however I"m very much that the anxiety is all related to emotional issues for him and that really just boils down to coping. Drinking is how he copes with negative feelings. I know I'm not a dr, however no one else has lived with my AH as many years as I have, no one has been through all of the good times and not so good times. I would say I know my AH better than anyone else including his parents as they have not been present for years. They do not know the man I dealt with last year.

He is just now getting back to the man I fell in love with, maybe he's always been there however as bitchy as I was he was an a$$ multiplied by my bitchiness. It was not pretty this past year. I don't know if things would have been better with alanon, I got to alanon when I needed to be here. My AH has changed I don't know if he would have made those changes or chosen to because he was in checked out mode. We tried counseling however .. LOL .. that was a horrible experience sitting through these sessions as I cried and blubbered and he literally emoted NO emotion at all. Sat in silence had ZERO remorse about anything he did, it was ALL my issue or ALL my fault.

I'm not trying to scare you ILD, that was my reality last year and this year no one could have told me I'd be where I am this year either in my own healing or in our marriage. There were so many God things that happened and the biggest one was the DUI as ticked off as I was at the time WOW .. it changed everything for the better.

Hugs P :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello ILD - you ask, if he drives drunk and you call the cops is that the right thing to do? My answer is this: close your eyes and imagine how you would feel if you didn't call the cops and he killed someone. You could use a pay phone to call the non-emergency number and describe the situation and ask the question of whom to call if it happened (pay phone protects your identity if you want that). I don't know anything about the depression and treatment so can't comment on it.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I live where it would have been nothing to catch him. they did nothing. He had his big 4wd p up. drove over the top of this small car at a stoplight. no one was hurt, they took off. nice eh?

deb

rrib · Senior Member

Debilyn wrote:
Yes I live where it would have been nothing

When I livedin Montana, we assumed it was against the law to drive UNLESS you had an open beer, a lit joint and a loaded rifle in the window. lol

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

rrib wrote:

When I livedin Montana, we assumed it was against the law to drive UNLESS you had an open beer, a lit joint and a loaded rifle in the window. lol

Thanks for the warning : ) My ex-RA always wanted to go to Montana for a vacation in the past. No wonder L0L! He would have liked the open container of beer and loaded rifle.

Also, towards the end of our marriage, my ex-RA was about to head out to work one morning and was already under the influence of alcohol. That morning, I decided to wait until he closed the garage door and then call our local police. One of our sons was still living at home and became livid with me. He went out to the garage while he was warming up his vehicle and stopped his dad from going to work that day. Today that same son understands why I was finally going to call.

Another also, in our small rural city, there are signs posted along the highway that goes through town that reads "Report Drunk Drivers call 911."

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

If he had a loaded gun pointed at someone, would you call the cops?

How is DUI different?

I have told my soon to be ex AH that if he chooses to drink and drive, I have to report it. It's HIS choice to endanger others, not mine.

If you give a dance, you have to pay the band (one of my favorite sayings). We need to stop protecting our As from natural consequences.

Drive drunk, get reported and arrested. NOT OUR FAULT they make that choice.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.