The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a LONG week and it's only Wednesday .. lol. I've really been struggling this week with a lot of emotional garbage that needs to be processed just to get to the other side.
My insecurities are rearing up in a bad way. I'm sure some of it is a HHALT. Hormonal, Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired totally fit this week. It's trying to establish what is controlling behavior on my part, what is ok, what is past, what is current.
What's my motive in the situation. Well, a lot of it is justified based upon what has happened in the past, a ton of things that have never been address and I'm only talking about this past year during the drinking time. There is the issue my AH will be driving soon I just don't know how soon (I think this is the part that is really choking me at the moment), I have a dear friend of my mother's who is battling illness and I feel sad that such lovely people are having such a difficult time. They are lovely lovely people. Anyway, there is the other issue that there are things I haven't told my AH that I'm going through and I am trying to balance that with the fact I can tell him I just can't have any expectation that he's going to react the way I need him to.
How do I start treating him like a husband vs just an addict? Yes, he is an addict at the same time is he my husband as well. I need to find my footing in that arena. I am fortunately that he's not a daily binger at this point to my knowledge has not been drinking during this past year which has given him much more clarity as to what is going on. It's not to say his dry addict behavior doesn't come up at least the clarity is starting to really show. God was very good to me in terms of he didn't drive this year and the few months I lost out on attending alanon he's now wearing scram and will until Feb of this next year. That just extends the time of me not having that on my plate.
Well, I did it I took an emotional leap and my world didn't fall down. He didn't meet all my needs however he did something better he empathized and understood why I felt the way I did. I didn't ask for a loaf of bread at the hardware store, I just stated how I felt, how hard I'm trying and what would really help me tonight is to just all be together as a family. He came home early and it's been a nice night. The insecurity stuff is mine to own, at least I was able to get out that I felt that way and I felt heard. That's the part that is so hard is not feeling heard. Amazingly he heard me validated what I said, didn't call me crazy or complicated just accepted me, I felt better immediately it was a nice change for as up tight as I had been all day.
Anyway, thanks for letting me share as I struggle with my own self worth, self esteem and my trust issues.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thanks for being so transparent about your situation. One thing about you for sure is that you are fully aware of who you are. That is so good. Self-awareness is so important. Also, you have dealt with a huge load this year and you have handled them all well. I can see how well you are working your program. It is understandable to have moments of insecurities and self-worth issues. Those are things that many of us deal with. Knowing is key to resolving our issues. Yet, we are also human and it is okay to feel our emotions. We as wives and husbands of Ah/Aw and otherwise, have our plates full. Alcoholism consumes our energy and dry our bones to the core. No kidding. Serious business, for real. You keep on keeping on. Keep sharing your experience, strength and hope.
PUSHKA ((((HUGS)))) Thank you for sharing this tonight, didn't get a chance to respond before. I am glad to hear you had a nice family night :) On treating him like a husband, well I am working on that myself (he isn't my husband at this point, but you know what I mean) and as far as I can tell, you are doing things great. I work on putting trust out there, encouraging him to make his own choices and loving him where he is at. Its not easy, but its simple... Simple program for complex minds as they say... I hope you had a good night and keep on taking care of you :)
__________________
-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
I sat and read for a bit tonight, In All Our Affairs, I'm really enjoying this book. I've been doing a study in step 2 and 3, I've been enjoying that I"m kind of hoping to start a step group the goes through the steps more intensely and more quickly, meaning a step a week deeper shares. My AH def needed a break from work. He took a very long nap, which based upon how much the man works is way ok. It was just nice having him in the room. My poor son had an "allergic" reaction to chiggers that showed up Tuesday, fun stuff there, the child doesn't have 2 inches of space between bites I thought he had chicken pox .. lol. Thankfully it's only on exposed parts of his little body so nothing on his tummy, chest or back. So he was home today. I thought he already went through one day and today I just didn't want a phone call of come and get him .. lol. He seems fine and he's been dosed with benydryl through out the day. He did itch a lot before medication. I'm hoping that this was the worst of it.
There was another lovely surprise that made me laugh soooo hard. So I'm officially the crazy cat lady. The mama cat who had my little committee that greets me as I come and go was pregnant again. Thank you my "country" neighbors, their words NOT mine .. LOL. Anyway, she gave birth to another 4 kittens, I swear my HP has the most wicked sense of humor, in the back of my AH's TRUCK!!!! ROFL .. I swear the irony is so sweet on that one. I hope everything is ok we'll see. She was very upset and seemed to leave them straight after giving birth so I don't know what that was about and she's not there now which is fine I'm hoping she found a safe place. I'm also hoping she will leave the other kitties alone the older ones. These boys now need to go and get fixed I need to talk to my other neighbor who has offered to take them and get it done if he isn't I'm going to, this just can't keep happening.
I took a picture of kittens that were probably 15 min old. I don't know how it came out they were all so sweet. And I was sooo glad my kids got to see them, that was something neither will forget.
Hugs P :)
__________________
Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
oh cripes love my cats like crazy too- last night i had a recurring nightmare that i had one in my arms i was keeping him from the road but he was biting and scratching to break free- but if he broke free he wuld run into the cars....what we were doing in the centre of a busy city street i dont know!!!!lol
I think you are struggling between being a carer- a therapist- and a wife having your own emotional needs. i think yu are entitled to have these needs and to want to be supported by yur husband and to be treated well etc, its a 2 way street where ideally you should be supporting each other. im glad he came home early an you had a good family night!
I myself am struggling- am i entitled to needs? as an adult child should i be expected to be my mums loyal mental health carer in sacrifice of my own? how should i deal with this issue? its tough it really is and all i am doing today is praying- trusting my HP more and surrendering that i cant do much more than i am doing
