Telling family members.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Miss Maddie · Member

Telling family members....

White Rabbit · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH has told just about all of our family members himself. If there are any that don't know, I wouldn't tell them personally. In my opinion, it's my AH's business to tell whichever family members he wants to know, since it is his disease. If the tables were turned and I was sick, I'd want the opportunity to either tell my children or not tell them - as I decided was fit. I would be angry if someone else took that choice away from me.

This is just my .02.

Miss Maddie · Member

White Rabbit wrote:
My AH has told just about all of our family members himself. If there are any that don't know, I wouldn't tell them personally. In my opinion, it's my AH's business to tell whichever family members he wants to know, since it is his disease. If the tables were turned and I was sick, I'd want the opportunity to either tell my children or not tell them - as I decided was fit. I would be angry if someone else took that choice away from me.

This is just my .02.

Thanks for the reply! He doesn't even admit he has a problem and I don't think she is aware of the extent of his drinking even tho she knows he drinks.

tommyecat · ~*Service Worker*~

For me I no longer disclose what is going on with my family members or his. They have eyes and ears in which they can discover themselves. The most important reason why I dont pick up the phone and give a running list as to what he is doing is I have stepped out of the triangle between me, his family and my spouse. I just tell them if they want to find out more then they should probably ask him about it. It lets me keep the focus on myself, receive fewer phone calls and questions as a result.

Best,

T

DadtoCandE · Veteran Member

For years I helped my wife hide it from our kids and her family. The kids got older and figured it out and I lost some credibility in their eyes. I know I shouldn't be thinking about step nine, but one of my amends may be to my mother in-law for keeping her in the dark for so long. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't tell family members, in fact when in doubt the Anon is short for anonymous. However, there is a fine line between maintaining anonymity and perpetuating denial.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Maddie, It's one of my mantras that the addicts stuff is their stuff,not my business.

How would you feel if your A was telling your family about you? He is no different just becuz he is an A.

We all have rights to our privacy, what we want to share,what we do not. If someone asks I just say you'll have to talk to the A.

What good would it to do to share things that are not ours to do so?

hugs,debilyn

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

GREAT TOPIC!!! Thank you because that's what I've really been trying to honor and some days it's not always easy!

Hugs P :)

glad · ~*Service Worker*~

I've found that his family (very familiar with drinking) doesn't see it as a real problem and sees me negatively for bringing up what they just see as normal and my family ( non drinkers) really does not understand and views me negatively for my emotions regarding his drinking.

I am so thankful for other alanon members who understand as no one else can.

flopadopilus · ~*Service Worker*~

I opened that door with my exAH's parents way back and it turned on me and now I have had to set boundaries, so that they don't try to keep tabs on him through me any longer. This disease affects everyone around and in time they will know or catch on when they are ready or not. When I am in doubt I don't! Great share and keep up the great awareness! Sending you love and support on your journey.

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