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I think of my qualifier as my most recent long term BF// this post is OLD history stuff...and was "spurred" by facebook pictures of my new grandson posted by my emotionally challenged ex husband's new wife...
I'll admit I've messed up much in my life but my daughters are amazing adults.
I fully admit running interference to keep negative influence away from my daughters as much as possible once I realized the depth of my ex husbands' (!@###).
This was typical alanon behavior before I even met the man I consider my qualifier.
In my marriage to the girls dad we rarely drank, but I noticed when he did he would go over the top like an 12 year old in Daddy's liquor cabinet. And his always childish behavior became infant like.
When I describe his behavior I'm not referring to someone who is actively drinking....
Some examples of how he was in our family unit
We had just moved to a new town the oldest daughter was in fifth grade and had a new friend with her and she had been stressed about fitting in socially (there had been tears etc).We were out and about at Christmas time..looking at decorations, my younger daughter hid behind a display to "panic" us for fun... (she was 5 or 6) when we found the little one, my husband looked at my older daughter and in front of all the kids and said :
" If you ever do that again I'll "knock the 'xxxx' out of you" There is no doubt he was speaking to the older daughter.
New friend, new town, this new friend was one who might go back and describe her experience with the new girls family to others... he humilated my daughter as well as how bad it hurts to have someone punish you for something you had no control over and more especially a Dad threatening violence to a daughter.... and now this crazy man's new wife wants to "play nice"...and act like family.
There had been other times of unexpected implied violence. He was fond of ripping his belt from his waste and whipping it around and saying he was going to hit them with it..again like a child mimicking something he thought was parental, he didn't even seem mad, he seemed like he was acting in a play, an elementary school play.
I felt like bopping him over the head with a newspaper and sending him to his room without dinner.
He was a horrible parent, lousey lazy husband and grumpy, grumpy all the time, in our home. I didn't divorce him for crazy codepenent reasons.
My ex husband's NEW wife is posting pictures of my grandson on her "facebook" page..her adult son is acting like he's my girls "brother".
This woman has taken over my "controlling" helpful role and is OVER doing the whole "step" parent thing.
She may be trying to put icing on poop. She may have good intentions BUT my kids were raised by ME he wasn't emotionally present or helpful in any way ( the primary reason I eventually divorced him) we had other drama at the end but I was primarily mad about him being such a cold egg sandwich with bad judgement and no real personality ... and he still is.. and by now I think she knows this.
Examples of how the new wife is "getting in my space" ...(smile)
The facebook page pictures of MY Grandson.
She is not family just because she married my girls "Dad".
On holidays she inserts herself and my ex. into their lives I believe my girls are still hoping for some kind of relationship with their dad to develop... but attending her family events is not going to make him step up emotionally, he is dead emotionally and that's an inside thing for him....
I feel like I'm watching my girls spin, this woman jump and do for him things he should do himself to have a relationship with my daughters. And knowing all along he isn't gonna do poop!
I know my daugther's will work it out... they are healthy and good with the whole thing so I suppose this is a vent... cuz man are my kids on top of things emotionally!!! So cool....It's a God thing they are both very smart!
The new wife dressed in a mother of the bride dress at the wedding a few years ago (remember my girls were adults before she knew them) She inserted herself into being present in the bridal room, helping with the decorations and set up and generally walking around the wedding like she was the "mom".
The girls dad was walking around like her little puppet literally (really I heard this) repeating whatever she said.. like oh we need candles on the table, where are the candles?? oh my, oh my....we must find the candles. Again where was that newspaper....
It didn't really matter because I look just like my daughter and Wow does this person NOT!! I was talking with some of the guest of the groom's family. So I had fun while they ran around looking really weird...
At the ceremony, Her parents literally stood in the foyer of the church and refused to be seated unless they sat with the "family" ... that part was funny and weird too!
It was especially interesting when they introduced themselves to my DAD as the "Grandparents of the Bride" LOL he is my daughter's grandfather and is very very close to my daughter- In true "DB" (Daddy Bill) fashion he just said "Well how are you fine folks doing tonight?"...I wish I had that on tape!!!!!
Did these people not realize that we all knew eachother
And then there was this herd of people my ex's new wife brought in, again my daughter didn't want to "hurt any feelings.. they all look very different, it was like on Sesame Street " What doesn't belong"? ...
Okay this was therapudic (sp?) ... comical... BUT any feedback from anyone with an "outside view" would be greatly appreciated, especially grandparents,
I want to "do no harm" to my girls, grandson etc and am aware of my bad attitude,
I might just let the new wife "have it" someday...when the train jumps the track.
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 09:23:57 AM
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 09:25:44 AM
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 10:13:53 AM
Hugs, Hugs, Hugs, .. WOW .. what I want to say and what are program words probably two different things!! :)
I'm going to be honest here and say that it doesn't matter what this woman does, YOU know your role. I can see myself being totally territorial over a situation like that so I understand the need. I see that as coming from insecurities of someone replacing my role.
My story is this, .. I'm adopted. I remember after my daughter was born finding my birth mother .. she's a nice lady and pretty low key. My adopted mother (she's my REAL mom .. lol .. to clarify) was freaked out. That's MY grandchild. I just kind of went ok mom, we know. After my son was born I really had a laugh although I understood, boy she really went off the deep end when everyone met. MY grandchildren. I have no idea what my mother would have done if she had posted pics of the kids on the internet. I teased her later and said gee mom need to mark your territory? I reassured her again and told her no one wants to replace her. I"m not upgrading .. lol .. the reality is without this other woman I wouldn't be here and she's part of my own package. I realize that my situation is a little different. Similar concept though.
Here's the deal. I kind of feel like this there is always an opportunity for more family. You get all of the fruits and nuts. Instead of seeing this as a situation of she's taking over your place. See it as a comical situation of your grandchild/ren have more people to love them. They just happen to be of the fruity nutty variety. I think that is always awesome. I hear your frustration and I can absolutely empathize with what you are saying. Every insecurity would be blazing in me if my kids had a step parent it would be hard especially when the grandchildren started arriving. I felt like I was just removed as their primary grandparent it would be a big WTH!?
My suggestion is that you turn this situation over to your HP and sit with it and figure out what is your motivation is regarding the need to say something. This is my opinion that the issue with this woman isn't really yours to address, this is your daughters child. I would think it would be different if your children were 5 and 6 or even a little older and she came in with the attitude of these are MY kids. This woman is just being who she is as long as it's not rude (this all sounds kind of stupidty driven on her part) They kind of sound like this is just who they are and not to minimize your feelings just see it for what it is, you aren't being replaced and your grandson can have more than 10 grandparents and as long as he's loved by all he is so very blessed. Now if she's being RUDE that's a different story and it's directed at you that's your own boundary to make.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I can say from my perspective being both the daughter of a step mother and the person who has a child with a step mother in their life... so that said, at first it was hard for me and my son was very young when this woman (well young woman she was 18 at the time) came into my son's life with my first ex. I felt she was trying to take over, but I eventually realized she just wanted to be a part of his life. And now she isn't in his life because my ex and her are now divorced as well. For me, being the daughter of a step mother, I realize that my mom is my mom and she lives far away (about 15 hours away) and so my two boys get to enjoy the "step" grandma that have nearby. She doesn't do a ton with my kids, but when she does I know its from the heart and she seems to genuinely love them. They call her Grandma L and they call my mom Grandma M. Its more love to go around really. I grew up with my mom and step dad, who actually knew me since I was a baby and adopted my brother and I when I was 8. This man is my dad. My father, well he was never in the picture and I don't know him at all. So if he came around and tried to be in my life, he would never replace what I have with my dad. I agree with Pushka, if she is just behaving out of love, then the more the merrier. If she is being RUDE, maybe there is a way to make a boundary... Take care of you :) HUGS!
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
okay I'm listening and greatly appreciate the feedback,,, I suppose I see her lack of "social judgement" or appropriate behavior as being rude,, I'll try to view it as being less than classy not intentionally mean.
I do owe my daughters "living ammends" for some of my lacking judgement over the years,( my own lack of class), maybe doing my best with this situation will make up for some of my lack of judgement in the past.
I am wondering why I feel the need to say to her: He was distant and very un interested in our life and the life of his children and often mean and rude and caused problems, I covered and tried to make him seem like a good person and good dad when I could. I feel like your doing the same thing and therefore taking away from the "mom/ grandmom role that I did my best to earn.... I feel like he didn't earn anything and now you, a virtual stranger seem to be taking a place that you certainly haven't earned because you were not even here.
Nothing personal but would you want me to just start treating your son like mine in the same ways just at random??? or would you feel like I was intruding...
BUT if then that somehow caused her to back off and for some reason that made my daughters sad or upset ... I would feel horrible...
So NO Action is the best action....
I'll try not to type everything I think always but it helped today alot thanks!!!
-- Edited by glad on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 11:00:21 AM
Glad, that is a situation that resonates with many of us, I think. Sounds like you're really thinking this through before acting, which is the best any of us can do! My reading of the situation is that this woman yearned to have daughters and grandchildren and she's trying to do her mom/grandmom role. It's also painful when new wives want nothing to do with the kids and so in a way it's a blessing that she's not hostile. I'm absolutely sure that your kids and grandkids know who their real mom/grandma is! The more people around to take a friendly interest, the better, though, in general, isn't it? Your ex will probably fail to step up the plate just as he has done so often before. The new wife will surely figure that out pretty darn quick, even if you don't see the evidence of it. I think getting recovery is the best thing we can do for our kids, and that's what you've been doing, so you are the real and helpful mom twice over. Hugs!
My first thought was if she came into the picture and showed no interest in your kids or grandkid you would probably get more angry. If she felt jealous and tried to keep your ex away even more, I would think that would be worse. If it is all new perhaps she will calm down in time, but I agree with the above MIP'ers the more the merrier and I would prefer the over over involved version, even though it steps on your toes a bit, than the can't be bothered version. I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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