After rehab how did you do it? - Al-Anon Family Group

ToBeHappy · Newbie

After rehab how did you do it?

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome! Well he drinks because he is an addict. He has a disease that can never be cured.

We can do nothing about it. Also with being an addict comes other symptoms besides using a drug. This is where AA comes in for him.

For you, or us, we have Al Anon. Face to face meetings would help you lots!

Myself,no I could not allow the addicts behavior around my kids. NO way. That is just me. It's my opinion that my kids are better for it.

It's totally up to each person to decide what is best for them and kids.

It sounds like your A may be stark, raving sober. Meaning he has no program, is not working on the other symptoms like selfishness, not making amends etc.

Al Anon can help YOU to come to a decision as to what you want to do. We learn not to think about their stuff. I stopped cooking for him, or doing his wash. He didn't even look for work, didn't tell the truth so he could get his SSD.

They are still responsible for taking care of themselves. If we babysit them, we are helping them to be sicker. When we do things for them, that they can do for themselves, we are enabling.

Congrats on your baby and new one coming! Make it a happy time, its up to you! We are always here to support you in whatever you decide.

love,debilyn

hawaiilover · Senior Member

My husband has been to rehab at least five times. It did not help him because he was not ready to give up the alcohol. He relapsed each time. I did not have a good experience with him going to rehab at all. Others may have a better experience. Now, I keep the focus on me. I work my program and stay connected with other Alanon members. I have a sponsor and that helps so much.

Please, keep coming back!

Hawaii

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

If you had to, if you had no choice, you could no doubt learn to detach and make living with him better than it has been. The question, I guess, is would that be a better choice than having him move out? Only you know the answer to that question. The little ones would give me pause in the equation. From my own hair-raising experience, I know you can not leave an alcoholic to look after a child. They may be sober when you leave, but things could turn disastrous as soon as you're gone. I know this, for one, from the time I left my sober-for-the-moment husband in charge of our two-year-old for an hour. On the way out I stopped by the corner grocery -- and he was already there buying alcohol. He had left our two-year-old home alone. That's not even the worst experience I had with leaving him in charge of a small child. After that he went through rehab, but then the relapse was worse. I won't even get into that right now. Anyway, having him in the house was like having an addition small child to take care of, except this one was a terror and weighed 230 pounds, so I couldn't even pick him up off the floor as I could the little ones.

It certainly is harder to "detach with love" when you have to do 100% of the childcare and responsibility while a guy sits around the house. I don't think I could have hacked it. And of course there's the point about what kind of example the kids learn from.

I do believe, though, that the tools of recovery can make our lives better no matter what our circumstances. And in time the answers can become very clear.

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

TBH,

Hugs and congrats on a new little one coming into your life. It has to feel so very overwhelming to be dealing with just the idea of bringing a new baby with another one already in the mix into this situation.

I hope you will consider finding an alanon meeting in your area if possible, if not please come here they offer meetings online. They are not the same as a face to face, they do offer hope and support. You do need a safe place to release your feelings so they harm neither child and not yourself as well. There are all kinds of great books that offer hope for us Getting them Sober, Toby Rice Drew.

It's even more important now that you get some tools in dealing with yourself when it comes to the your own self care and that of your children. Please keep coming back.

Hugs, P :)

rrib · Senior Member

ToBeHappy wrote:
I feel like it's just a matter of time before another relapse.

Sorry! Hope you take care of you.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I was in a toxic relationship myself and I could not make any progress with myself until I moved on from the relationship. That was my experience and it doesn't necessarily have to be yours...though it sounds like you are headed in the same direction. It's like a roast cooking or something....I was just so done and could not stay in that hot mess and get burned any more (sorry if that is inappropriate levity but the analogy is appropriate for me). For me, I couldn't get sober myself. I couldn't grow up...I couldn't learn to be a responsible person while in a relationship with another addict (again this experience may be different than yours a bit because of my own alcoholism aside from my qualifier's).

I responded to another person's post here about what to expect when the partner comes back from rehab... It applies here too because you exemplified what I wrote when I said the people who relapse the most are those that don't embrace any kind of AA program or do any follow up work upon release.

I don't mean to argue about semantics here either but I wanted to state that it is not that "Rehab didn't work." It's that HE STOPPED DOING WORK AFTER REHAB. You seem to know this but I just didn't want you thinking rehab was totally useless. It's useful for those that use it right. Hence, this is sort of where the saying "Keep coming back it works if you work it" comes from.

I do recognize that none of what you are going through must be sheer hell and it is compounded by having infant children with him. I would feel very trapped, scared, angry, and sad too. Even if he was going to a lot of meetings, he would still pass through a typical "early sobriety" phase where he was very childish and not taking responsibility. Making ammends and living the steps comes through years of working an AA program. I pray that he does decide to work an AA program (for himself and for your family). This is an alanon board though and the solution for you is to build your own tool box and become as strong as possible through Alanon. Sounds like you may already be on your way.

Mark

nyc018 · Senior Member

I totally understand you, as I recently separated from my AH after a downward spiral of drinking this summer. He went to rehab for 2 weeks, but his drinking cost him his job, and I was resentful having to shoulder all this (not to speak of supporting him financially for years).
I also have a small child, and that is the ultimate reason I couldn't live in the same house with ah. Now, choosing to stay or leave is a totally individual decision - there isn't one right answer for everyone. I'm just sharing my own experience as a mom of a young child. I just knew I would lose my mind if ah continued to live there, and my son needs me to be strong and healthy. So ah moved in with his mom. He comes over to visit, but I told him unconditionally that he has to be sober around me and our child. I'm dealing with a lot of issues/feelings towards my ah now, which are not really resolved, but when it comes to my child, the boundaries are strict and I won't bend.
As for rehab, I agree with pinkchip that it is up to the individual to work it (as is the case with AA or any program). I hope your H does pursue recovery - but most important is that you take care of yourself and your children (and congratulations on your new baby):) Now more than ever you need support, and alanon will help you with that.
Hugs, nyc

GailMichelle · ~*Service Worker*~

My ex, whom I now live with, has been in rehab 3 times. How do I do it after rehab?

Well after this last time, I strive to keep the focus on me and make decisions based on what is best for me. I take it one day at a time and revel in the good times that present themselves. I take a hands-off approach when it comes to managing his life, even when it comes to his finances.

I don't waste time thinking about the "what ifs." I keep my thoughts in the now as much as possible. I also generate mental gratitude lists in my head several times a day. By doing so, I'm conditioning my mind to seek what is working.

That's how I do it. smile I've learned that taking care of myself is the best I thing I can do for me, him and others. It's not selfish. I learned that by listening to others at Al-Anon meetings and by observing how my life has changed since I accepted this.

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Ala non is the answer.

I so wish I would have found this fellowship when my children were so young. It has changed my life and is making me a better person by the day.

My partner completed a six month rehab at the beginning of the year then lived in a dry house for a couple of month. He started skipping meetings and has just had a big slip. I have ended the relationship he has moved in with a friend from AA I hope he has learnt that rehab is just the foundation he is going to 90 meetings in 90 days again. I have told him I do not want any contact I can not support him the way I did I can not go through early sobriety any more this has all affected my mental hea;lth and I know today what I need to do for me and my children. I love him but he has to get himself well and I am sick of feeling angrey and hurt. I understand he is sick and none of it is personal. But for know I am giving him space to fix himself. Do whatever you have to do to take care of you and your little ones you are not responsiblr for him he is an adult. I hope you can find a meeting sounds like you need some love and support hugs tracy xxxxx

ToBeHappy · Newbie

Thanks everyone. I think I know what I need to do.....I just need to do it.

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