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Hello all, I have been lurking on MIP for a few weeks now and have been so inspired by the words of wisdom and hope. It has taken me a while to get up the nerve to post my story and ask for some help, but this special kind of pain is a great motivator!
My AH had abstained from alcohol for the past 15 years. I say abstained because neither he nor I got into any recovery programs. About a year ago, I met my husband at one of his work social events and found him to be completely and totally drunk. I was floored, to the point of almost not even believing my eyes. After this incident, my husband told me that he had been drinking for about a year prior to that. Looking back, there were plenty of signs that I either ignored or was in complete denial. He started attending AA meetings regularly (2-3 times a week) and I found ftf Alanon meetings. I prayed daily for my HP to take away my anger and give me some acceptance and understanding for my husband, and slowly we began to rebuild our relationship. Over the past 4-5 months, I felt like we were closer than ever; in fact, I really fell back in love with this man. He was still angry and depressed much of the time, but professed his love to me and continued to go to meetings as well as individual counseling. Everyone said his emotions were normal in early sobriety. 5 weeks ago, while we were on a family vacation, my husband let me borrow his phone, and up popped a text from a woman saying " I love you". Come to find out, AH had been involved in an online relationship with a woman from China that he met on a dating website; they have never met and do not even speak the same language! He promised to stop, but after only one week, I found him texting her again. At that point, I told him to leave. Although he is not drinking, I know that this woman is just an extension of his addiction to alcohol. He says that she "makes him forget all of the disappointments" that he has caused our family, and that she" makes him happy" and he "deserves to be happy". Our kids are devastated and our son is so angry that he will not even speak to his father. We went for couples counseling with an addiction specialist who has 20 years of sobriety under his own belt, and he advised AH to either sign himself into a treatment program or get to meetings every day and give up the woman, as she was his alcohol substitute. This angered AH so much that he refuses to ever return to this counselor. I know that he is still going to meetings, but I doubt that he is getting recovery. He has had very little contact with his children of myself; it's like he just flipped off a switch and is moving on to a new life.
I know that it sounds ridiculous, but I still love my husband (we have been married for 23 years), and I am still sick and obsessed with his affairs. And I feel hurt and broken much of the time, and wonder if I can really be happy in a life without him. I would so appreciate any works of wisdom or hopeyou all seem so full of compassion here, and I am really in need of that! Thanks for reading this long share...
-- Edited by silentcygnet on Tuesday 11th of October 2011 07:35:42 PM
It certainly is compassion you will find here. There are quite a few posts in a similar mode at the moment on this board. Cheating and being found out. I have lots of experience in this area as a person from both sides of the fence unfortunately. You are very brave doing what you have done. I said the other people who have done a similar thing are brave also, and I mean it. Telling someone to leave is a very brave thing to do because it really shows that you are setting your boundaries and respecting yourself. He may be feeling guilt.. I don't know.. I am not him... but for me, if I feel guilty about something, I may want to avoid it.
Maybe a fourth word should be added to the the best descripton of alcoholism....cunning, baffling, powerful......and selfish.
Your doing the best thing you can do for yourself.....attending f2f meetings and coming to MIP. Please continue doing both. The answers you are searching for will come in time, maybe not in your time, but in HP's time.
You're doing great Silent...stay with your program and the anger will truely go over to the acceptance side while any impulse to change him or it will disappear with recovery work. Alcoholic personalities are unreal at times and there is hope in the 4th thru 9th steps if he is ready to be rigorously honest with himself, his sponsor and his HP. He's changed HPs and that's not unique in this disease. His management style isn't working and he is just dry...maybe. Take care of yourself and introduce your kids to the program of Alateen if they are qualified.
I can so relate to your post about being married to a dry drunk and going years without a drink. I'm glad to hear you are taking care of you and even in your pain still can find what is best for you. My AH had a similar reaction to a counselor who wouldn't focus on me as the issue of his drinking and behavior he wouldn't go back. It was a shame because he could have really helped my AH.
Anyway, welcome to MIP and I hope you will stick around let us get to know you as you get to know us. Lots of wonderfully wise people with amazing ESH to share.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Welcome here and so glad you posted :) I just wanted to offer some support and say that alanon can only help you feel better. MIP is amazing and together with my alanon and ACOA meetings, I am little by little recovering... Take care of you :)
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you to all...I am so glad that I found this spot. Your words are so comforting and I can feel the strength and warmth in them. I am so glad not to be alone on this journey. Love and hugs back at all of you.
Hi and welcome to MIP. I am glad you found Al-anon face to face meetings and I hope you find a sponsor in time. Keep up the good work! I am sending you love and support on your journey!
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God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
