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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I can feel changes
Post Info TOPIC: I can feel changes
Lindaoakford


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I can feel changes
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Hi

I think I can feel some changes in me.  This is a good thing.  I am usually so controlling it isn't funny.  In the past, I have found out that my husband finished work early and didn't tell me, Igot home and he was already there.... I was angry, I was upset that I didn't know what was happening, Why would you not tell me???? What were you doing that was secret??? Why didn't you come and see me if you were finished early??? I always ring andtell you if something changes..... etc etc.  this was not a one off event, not exclusive to only this husband/relationship.  Not only since he has been smoking regularly... it was my control issue and I only just managed to realise this in the past 6 to 7 months... after 20 odd years of being in relationships!!!!!!

I know it is a loss of control over my environment that stems from years of mistrust and abuse etc etc.  It has caused many an argument in the past and the recent past too.  I believe it is from childhood events.

Yesterday I got home about 10 minutes early.  My husband was already home.. now he usually doesn't get home until at least 15 minutes or up to an hour after I do. 

Initial reaction when I saw his car in teh driveway...., a little stiff in the neck... but basically just curious... My mind said "oh he must have ran out of work to do".  Then it said.. I bet he has been smoking.....

Heres the best bit... it then said... "So what, that is what he does"  What difference will it make to me doing what it is I usually do when I get home from work? Absolutely none.

I got out my car and he was on his way to say hi to me with a drill in his hand.  I smiled and said, Hey babe.. lucky thing, you got home early..... and I smiled..... it wasn't fake it till ya make it.. I actually felt it.

I don't think I have ever said that before in my life prior to an interrogation of when, why, what time, what did you do etc etc.  Then it is said with tongue in cheek as a martyr (oh lucky thing.. you get to get off work early while I am still there....)

He said the work ran out for the day so he thought he would come home early and do a chore.... He is not a big communicator at the best of times so I had to ask what chore etc etc.  But its my 'feelings' that amazed me.  I did not instantly have a panic attack.  I was a bit surprised with myself.

I felt safe that he came home early and I didn't know all about it immediately.

One of the contributing facts is that I do not think he has any 'real pot', so if he had a smoke it would only have been that passionflower and damiana herb stuff.  I think I am ok with that at this stage.  I can accept that at this point in time.

I am trying to practice for the day however, that I know will come, when the real stuff comes back into our lives and/or he is getting stoned around me.  I am practicing getting my own life sorted out and some other control issues addressed also so I can look at this from a healthy view point.  That was my original goal in getting help.  Make my decisions from a healthy emotional point.

Having said that.. I am a bit scared because it seems to me, that every time things are going well, I sabotage it somehow.  this morning I woke up feeling like I was going to have a panic attack.  Like soemthing bad was going to happen.  My breathing was caught in my throat, I was wheezing a bit..

Fear... it kicks in when things are good.

Please some advice on how to keep this momentum going because every other time I feel good, I manage to bring my inner self back tothe same status quo of feeling like poo and stuff.

 



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Lindaoakford


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Just wanted to add that I have been on these boards for three months now. I started on the ACoA board and I was only just lurking around here. I joined here two months ago.


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Pushka


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Linda,

Hugs, it's so ironic that you are posting this, because I have been feeling similar things (today was a BIG struggle) with the panic and sabotaging myself. It's the emotional betrayal that is the hardest for me to process. It really gets frustrating (I add extra pressure to me). What I'm trying to is focus on the positive and focus on me. I did slip a bit today. I have huge trust issues. I don't know if this will help you or not, I have been trying to let go of the insecurity by reading something alanon lit something that validates my feelings without taking me to the dark place of acting out. the daily readers are a major save for me. It's so hard to be in the moment and remind myself that feelings aren't facts they are just there neither right or wrong. They are mine and I do have a right to those feelings based upon the circumstances especially this past year. I just am trying not to live in those feelings and focusing on just allowing them to process. I have a lot I didn't process this past year, and it has to come out.

Anyway, I don't know if that makes sense or not. I hope you can take something,

Hugs P :)

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Debilyn


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I take things as they come. like the day at a time thing. We could be apprehensive about life period if we thought about it.

Appreciate each moment. I do know that thing of how it seems so nice, then he opens his mouth and my guts and heart drop.

It's just life. ups and downs. Nothing stays the same.

the more we use our tools the more natural they will become in our lives.

hugs,debilyn



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Lindaoakford


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Thanks guys... I am actually more fearful of ME opening my mouth.  Self Sabotage I think it is called.

 



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hawaiilover


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Linda,

I like what Pushka and Deb shared. I will also add that sometimes our intuition is at work and we must listen to that gut feeling. What are the root of your fears? Sometimes we have to really dig deep and find out. We are so intuitive! Our HP gives us these feelings for a purpose. Tap into your innerself and get intouch with those emotions that are lurking there. Just my take on the topic. Take care and good share!

Hawaii



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pinkchip


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Linda, if this is anything like my personal recovery experience (which I suspect it is)....There will be good days and bad days. You will have periods where "life shows up" and you wish you had acted or done something differently....or days when bad things happen which intrude on your serenity. The change is that you will recognize errors in your thinking faster. You will rebound faster. You will not stay in those dark places as long because you know where it leads. You will have changed your homeostasis from being in that crazy, sad, controlling mode, to being in a more grateful, accepting, and serene mode and that is where you will fluctuate more from. Not all days will be good and you will have some tough times. Progress is the goal here...not perfection. So TODAY (yes that freakin 24 hour AA thing from me - big surprise) you are doing good for you and that is all that matters.

Mark

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Lindaoakford


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Thanks guys,

I do feel more serene.  I think I have lowered my expectations hahahaha.

My fear is a loss of safety.  Anything that is a change, a divergence from the plan, unexpected events, that sort of thing.....

Or.. sometimes, I have no idea what has triggered off my insecurity.  Recently I hvae been remembering some traumas that happened quite some time ago... why they are coming into my head now I don't know.....

I guess I just want to stay happy..... be happy for my life .... at the moment I feel 'normal' and I want to stay that way (Yes Mark, I am a setting on a washing machine hehehehe)

 



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Pushka


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Linda Hugs,

I've been reading the book In All of Our Affairs, Making Crisis for You. Something that really jumped out at me was this line on page 55 " After a lifetime of ducking unpleasant feelings, or having those feelings mocked or dismissed, most of us fear we won't survive them. The problem is that stuffed feelings just don't disappear." It goes on to talk about sitting with our feelings and feeling them and talking to a sponsor. This is where I have been in the stuffed feelings coming out stage. It made me feel better that ok these things need to come out and I'm not all of a sudden taking a leap off the deep end.

Hugs P :)

It's my mouth getting me into trouble as well, saying what pops into my mind vs thinking about what I should say because that doesn't work for me very well .. lol. 



-- Edited by Pushka on Wednesday 12th of October 2011 10:14:10 PM

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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
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