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I am writing with so much heartbreak and emotion. The man who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with has changed so much that I had to leave. He drinks constantly. In the morning, before work, on his breaks, after work. He has been in two car accidents. One where he got a dui and almost killed himself and 3 highway workers. It used to be that he when he drank he would be more loving and sweeter to me. But recently, he disappears when he drinks and I can't find him for hours or days. And I worry about him because of his poor decision making when he drinks and the fact that he makes himself violently ill if stops abruptly. He has started getting angry and nasty towards me if I question him about where he was, or talk to him about how worried I am. And he runs so hot and cold. He will adore me in the morning and be angry and cold to me when he gets home in the evening. I started to feel like I was going insane because of his mood swings. Like there was something wrong with me that made him behave this way. Two days ago I finally told him I was leaving and his response was: who cares? He threw chairs and beer bottles. I tried so hard to be supportive and love him through trying to cut back/quit drinking. But the cycle always started again. But now he blames me. He called his mom and told her that I left him, took all the money and food. So she came over, bought him food, cigarettes, and beer. When I called her to tell her that I was worried about him and that we had broken up, she was as cold as ice to me. Does she not want to face that he has a problem? How do I go on from here? What did I do wrong? Can anybody help me understand? He told me he loved me. That he never knew real love until he met me. That we would spend the rest of our lives together. And it all ended in less than 12 hours. Is this typical of someone with a drinking problem? Thank you to anyone who responds.
Welcome Glad you are here. YOu did nothing wrong! Yes this is very typical of someone who is drinking. Please get yourself to an face to face Alanon meeting in your area, and start working a program for you. The three C's in AlAnon You can not CONTROL the drinking. You did not CAUSE the drinking . You can not CURE the drinking. Again Welcome and Keep Coming Back! Be well.
hello and so sorry you are going through this. Yes, this is totally typical behavior, and you did absolutely nothing wrong. Someone normally loving and gentle person turns insane and nasty. It's impossible to do right by anyone in that condition, and totally futile to even try. I agree that you should try to get to an alanon meeting, which will help you learn to shift focus to yourself and your own happiness and away from what you can't control (his drinking). The only way he will stop is if he wants to, but it's up to him entirely. Alanon teaches the concept of letting go, relieving yourself of the pressure and anxiety that someone else's actions cause. Sending much support, nyc
(((((Catie))))) Aloha...welcome to the world wide fellowship of the Al-Anon Family Groups and Miracles In Progress. (Thanks ever so much John)...
Catie scroll back in time here and read the post of the hundreds who have come here with your story. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful, baffling and fatal disease and it affects everyone it comes into contact with. Your alcoholic is a carrier and the disease had touch sooooo many thru him including you, his mom, county worker, and many others.
You are in the right place and I hope you make a commitment to sticking around for a while and learning as much as you can from those here who came before you and know what the lay of the alcoholism land is and will pass on to you what it was like, what they learned and how it is like today with a different way of seeing the picture and living it.
Being born and raised in the disease and living within it for so many years until I found Al-Anon was prep classes for suicide. They drank and I wanted to kill myself as a result.
You didn't cause this disease, you cannot control it and you cannot cure him. Alcohol owns him and he is dramatically altered because of it. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind; body; spirit and emotions. It has brought down families, businesses, govenments and economies yet what we learn to take care of is ourselves and not allow it to take us down. We need to survive and only one reason we need to survive is so that others will know and find the solution also.
Keep coming back often and if you're not attending face to face Al-Anon Meetings in your area...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and find the hotline number to Al-Anon and call for the places and times when we get together. There is a chair already waiting for you and tons of literature.
You've already received such great ESH. I only wished to extend a welcome and hope you keep coming back.
In support, P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Hi Catie and welcome here to MIP. Alanon is wonderful, I can't say how much it has changed my life for the better. I came here a little over a year ago, didn't think I needed it for real, left and then came back again. I did need it. I will tell you some things that are helping me improve my life, little by little. I read the literature from the meetings: One Day at a time in alanon, Courage to Change, and As We Understood... I read the AA Big Book, so I could understand where my qualifier was coming from (a qualifier is the alcoholic in your life), and I read the book Getting Them Sober. I read on these boards, I post to others and post my own shares. I went to meetings for alanon and ACOA. I got a sponsor in alanon and I got alanon friends I could call or text on good or bad days. I keep having to remember the slogans: "Don't React" "Remain Calm" and Let Go and Let God. I also had to quit taking it personally. He doesn't drink because of me. He drinks because thats what alcoholics do.
For me, setting boundaries, and working on the first three steps are my work right now. It sounds like your qualifier's mom is one of his enablers. She helps him stay in his disease. Alcoholism or addiction are diseases and they very very tough ones. Alanon is for you, to recover from the effects of someone else's drinking. When you begin to work on you, you will begin to feel better. I hope you keep coming. You are not alone! We understand better than anyone else what you are going through. HUGS to you and take care of you :) In support,
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-youfoundme
Let go and let God...Let it be... let it begin with me...
Thank you everyone for your quick and thoughtful responses. It helps me so much to hear from others who have gone through the same circumstances. Now I just have to figure out how to let the healing process begin. And stop blaming myself for what happened. Or wondering if I did the right thing by leaving. I am relieved and happy to have found this website to help me through it.
You're gonna want to go to some face to face meetings and learn one of the ways we have learned to "leave"...its called detachment. Better way of "leaving" I never knew.
I'm sure there will be more on it coming up. ((((hugs))))
You are dealing with an alcoholic that diefinitely needs some sort of treatment. Alanaon will allow you a forum to see that you are a reasonable person and to get off the crazy marry go round he is making you ride right now.
Does she not want to face that he has a problem? What did I do wrong? Is this typical of someone with a drinking problem?
Lucky him! Mommy is right there to buy his cigs and beer! Probably re-assure him that drinking has nothing to do with his problems too!
You did nothing wrong. Had nothing to do with causing his drinking problem OR making it worse. And there is nothing you can do to fix it. Your only choice is to take care of yourself.
So typical you'd almost think alcoholism is something manufacutered and imported from China.
Manufactured in China!! I love that! It is quite telling how similar my experiences are compared with other members of this website. Thank you for the laugh! Not doing that much these days...
