The material presented
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I am new to this forum and new to Al-Anon in general. However, I am not new to being with an alcoholic. My gf of three years has been sober for a little over a year, up until yesterday when she relapsed. We were on vacation and staying at a friends condo when on the last day of our stay, my gf found an open bottle of vodka stashed away in a cupboard. The kids and I were down at the pool when she decided to pour the vodka into a glass and drink it straight. I knew the moment we returned what had happened. I sat her down away from the kids and tried to talk to her about it. All of the old behaviour seemed to return immediately. She denied it at first, then broke out in tears of shame and self disappointment. She was looking for comfort. Unfortunately I have a hard time comforting her in times like this, always have. I feel like Im giving her a type of reinforcement that she doesnt deserve or need. I never yell, but I am always stern and assertive when we get to this point.
I tried to discuss what had happened with her, as well as discuss where we needed to go from here. She was very angry and very deflective of the issue at hand, trying to pass blame on to me. I told her that I believe that we need need to be honest with her parents about what had transpired as they are an integral part of her support group. I have omitted information from them before at her persuasion and it has always ended up bad. I believe that the only reason she doesnt want to include them in this is because she is embarrased and ashamed. My gut is telling me its the right thing to do.
A little about us, we have been together for three years. One year sober, two drunk. Six of the twelve months of sobriety she spent in jail because of multiple DUI's that she accumulated during her two years of drunkeness. She did spend a month in a in-patient re-hab facility after her first year of alcoholic behaviour. She relapsed shortly after that as well. In the year sober, she has spent one day a week at a support group and attends AA meeting sporatically at best.
Take care of yourself. Find Al Anon meetings and attend them. You can't fix her problem, no one can but her. Let her discuss this with her parents, that's her responsibility and not yours. I've done that and it never plays out well.
You said that you tried to have a conversation with her about this latest slip. I've had those same conversations, and my wife has looked me in the eyes and said "Don't worry, I'm never going to do this again", and she did, many many times. Did she really believe she wasn't going to do it again? Or was she just telling me what she needed to buy herself another day and another chance to drink? Hard to say, as my wife is sick as is your GF and oftentimes the disease is in control of their decision making. The point is, I don't have those conversations anymore because I know I can't do anything or say anything to make her stop drinking.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Try and be understanding and compassionate, your GF feels far worse about what she has done than anyone else. Keep coming back here, there are some wonderful people here who have helped me so much.
When faced with this problem compassion was hard to find until I truly came to believe that this is a disease , I know that shaming them dosent work it only makes me feel bad , this is just my opinion but telling her parents is really not your job the last thing she needs is to be embarrased or shamed if she continues to drink they will soon figure it out for themselves , allow her the dignity to do this her way . find meetings for yourself you need support .
The best thing you can do for yourself and for your girlfriend is start taking care of you. Please find an alanon meeting in your area and go, you need the support it is about you.
3 C's, you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control the addiction and you will not cure the addiction.
You are not alone in your struggles of life with an addict, once an addict always an addict the only difference is if they are actively practicing recovery or actively drinking. There is no real middle ground in that statement.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
When my AH relapsed, I had the same trouble providing comfort. I was so angry - I couldn't see past my own anger to even consider how he felt. I felt disappointed and like he was choosing to go back to alcohol instead of continuing living the sober life with the family.
I, too, came to believe that alcoholism is a disease. I don't believe people would consciously choose to live a life full of drama and chaos if they could choose something else. However, believing that alcoholism is a disease doesn't mean I believe it's an excuse to justify actions or take the responsibility off of the addict. Of course the addict has to take responsibilty for taking the first drink after a period of sobriety.
I came to realize that addicts are sick, but they aren't dumb. After they drink, they are remorseful and full of shame. Me being accusatory or listing all the reasons they shouldn't have had a drink won't help. They already know everything I'm saying, whether they act like they know or not. It's always easier to try to defect attention from the real problem than it is to take responsibility. When the addict is ready to get sober, he or she will take responsibility. Until then, pointing the finger at what they did, drawing attention by telling others, or anything similar won't do anything except cause trouble. This was so hard for me to understand when I got here. I wanted the addict to have consequences and not get away with it. I didn't realize that they DO have consequences, whether or not I'm the one that dishes them out. They feel bad for their actions and nobody is fooled. They really didn't get away with anything, particularly if they just blew their sobriety.
I encourage you to find meetings for yourself, and start turning your focus from what she is doing to what you're doing. As family members of alcoholics, our focus becomes so much about what the alcoholic is doing. Ultimately, we find that we can't make them choose sobriety, but we can sure learn to start living regardless without having our whole life hinging on what the alcoholic is doing.
Aloha Frustrated...Welcome to this board which as been so helpful and supportive of my own recovery from the affects of alcoholism in my life. My exwife was an alcoholic/addict and before I truely reached the doors of the face to face meetings of Al-Anon I didn't understand alcoholism, what it was and how it worked and even that I was born and raised in it and had the disease myself. The awareness comes over time from being committed to my own sanity and serenity.
Oldtimers...especially female oldtimers...like Abbyall saved my butt with their wisdom and experience. Having the other oldtimers around me like those who also rushed to your support here kept me curious and then very willing to learn as much as I could. One of the first lessons was that "Alcoholism is a disease...not a moral issue." My wife was very sick; almost fatally sick; not a bad person. I had to change my perceptions and I was taught to use my imagination..."what would you see if she was addicted to heroin or cocaine" Alcohol is no different than those drugs that came after it...Alcohol is a tap-root drug...mind and mood altering and thousands of years old and she and you and the children are more victims. It cannot be cured...it takes a power greater than it just to gain some footing and personal management and then the support of hundreds and thousands of others who have come before us with their wisdom and experiences within it and during a recovery.
Your girl friend has another entity working for total control of her existence who is much more powerful than you are and can work magic on her mind, body, spirit and emotions like you need to learn about...I went to college to find out and what I did was incredible. Alcohol isn't a benign food source there is nothing about health on any level about this chemical and it is presented always as a source of happiness and pleasure.
I'm gonna add you and your kids and your girlfriend to my today prayers along with the rest of my Al-Anon and MIP family and the others who are suffereing and I hope you will take the suggestion on face to face meetings...scroll back in time on this MIP board and read slowly and get the picture of what the disease is...and linger on the words of the oldtimers. They are the ass savers...Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
