The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I asked my Ah to move out of the house tonight. Last week I ran into him with two women in his car. They were drinking, smoking, and having a good time. I, for months, suspected he was having affairs based on his behavior at home. My gut feeling told me we were alone in our relationship. Yet, I left it alone and just prayed for answers through my HP. When I discovered the truth last week, I was not surprised. The only thing that really bothers me is that these women live in our neighborhood. I've seen them walk pass by my house before. Anyway, I had not had a chance to confront the situation until today. I had to wait for the right time. Timing is everything. After sharing about it at my meeting and talking to my sponsor and my HP, I decided to take action.
What really hurts is his uncaring behavior. He acted as if what I saw and discovered was nothing. I supposed to just take it and act normal. Yes, the incident really bothered me and I made sure he knew that before he left. We have separated before due to uncontrolled drinking. This was in the mid 90s. This time is due to infidelity. He may be sick and I understand that. However, he must be accountable for his actions.
I had not anticipated any major decisions before the holidays. Yet, I cannot stand the idea of us living under the same roof after this. Taking one day at a time to heal.
Hawaii. I am sorry you are going through this at this time. There is never a good time for these things to happen, and before holidays or after holidays, you have done what is right for you and that takes strength and courage. You are a brave lady in my eyes and one that I can learn alot from.
It is very hurtful when there is betrayal. My first husband was a sex addict, so I fully understand where you are coming from. I caught him in the act and yeah, acts as if it is all normal and it is my problem.
Thank you for moral support, Linda. Don't they all sing the same song? It is always the other person's fault. Wow! Amazing. I am glad for Alanon, family, and friends. Dealing with alcoholism isn't easy. I had counseling with two pastors, shared with my sponsor and at my regular meeting before making a sound decision. It takes a village to manage a life with Ahs.
Ho`omaika`i ...Blessing Hawaii for your continued courage and serenity. Do it for you and not because of him. Standing with your HP in your corner. ((((hugs))))
I just wanted to give you a big hug and let you know that we are here to support you any way we can. I think you can't go wrong if you are operating out of your own best interest at heart.
Stay strong. Looking back you will know you are far better off, temporary pain for long term happiness. Been there, know you are going to be okay, prayers and support surround you.
I wanted to extend a hug of support and let you know you have support. Listening to your HP is such validation for doing what is best for you.
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
I put off the major decisions because the holidays were coming or my daughter was getting married or because of finances or whatever for soooo long...I am so thankful it finally happened... now I am free to enjoy those "holidays" etc.. without the effects or drinking or betrayal or worries in the back of my mind... I alone determine how my hoidays will go now ( yes I know some can reach this point while still with the A) but for some reason I could not... I can "detach" from it now..
I also do not miss the constant "reel of tape" that went on in my mind..I can sweep those worries away if I choose so much more easily now that he is not living here.
I wanted to but that seemed impossible before---
I don't know why they are so good at acting like WE are the one who is not "normal".
I feel like the next person my A gets with ( unless he gets into recovery and really works it hard (unlikely) . The next person will either be a drunk too, and who knows what kind of yucky drama or stinky life that will breed.
OR they won't stay and he'll just kinda keep on keeping on
OR they will do what I did and make themselves almost insaine ... waste time, ,mess up their family relaitonships, their work and their judgement and finances..
It's not my place to speculate about all this and I may need some "program" work on this but my point is ..it hurts to loose them BUT what is it we are loosing again.. and to the "yucky" party girls ,,, I think well,,, you'll get what you asked for...good luck.
To the "nice" people who may get sucked in I feel like I wish I could warn them... but don't think that's possible or my job BUT seems like he needs a "toxic" sign on his chest due to the alcoholism..
-- Edited by glad on Tuesday 11th of October 2011 09:07:42 AM
I discovered my wife was having an affair, just short of a year ago... this is how our relationship and marriage started.... she also had one while we were engaged 5 years before... all the signs of indifference to the vows, to the committment to marriage were easy to see and yet, being a very sick man, I kept a hope that I could change her to value a committment, to honor her own words and actions....
And what happened? I got sicker... and she did what she has done throughout most of her life... went from one man to another....
I was so broken by this situation, ... it hurt me at the core of my being...
But, I had a choice... I was going to get busy living or get busy dying... but I couldn't stay stuck in the pain...
I have since moved on in my life, and am doing relatively well. Every now and then I get a heavy heart, but for the most part... its because I miss what I "thought" we had, not because of what we had in reality.
I can only give you a safe hug, and let you know that you are not the first and won't be the last to suffer such pain, and that we can and do get to the other side of it, and are better people for it.
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
Thank you Jerry, Tommyecat, Surfgirl, Glad, John, Pushka and Flopadopilus! I welcome your hugs and moral support. I surely need all the moral support right now. Your testimonies really help me also. John, your story is inspiring. Thank you for being transparent. It really gives me a new perspective on things. The first time I separated from my Ah, the emotions felt different. I knew I missed him and all. This time the emotions are hurtful due to the betrayal. Yes, I feel it deeply. Yet I know I am not alone. Glad, thanks for sharing your experience, strength, and hope in relation to holidays. I am big on holidays. I will prepare my heart and emotions now. Pushka, thank God for a Higher Power. Yes. He gives me validation at the time I needed most. Surfergirl, I can hardly wait for the long term happiness. Flopadopilus, yes, I will take of myself. Thanks. Jerry, yes, I will do it for ME. Thanks. Tommye, yes, definitely following my heart. Thanks.
I really appreciate all your responses. Thanks so much. On my way to a meeting now. Talk later.
It is very nice to be able to celebrate the holidays YOUR way - I have to admit that; after 24 years of doing them my first ex's way, and 2 EXACTLY my second ex's way, my last Christmas was peaceful - I didn't have to keep up any act, no deep breaths in the other room, no gritting my teeth afraid he'd take some phone call wrong or some gift wrong, no acting happy when i'm not; it was HEAVEN, truly peace on earth!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
